Step 3 Workbook.

Look back at your list in question 3 of step one. There you listed some things you can control and some things you can't. Using the serenity Prayer as your guide, check your list. Would you move anything from one column to the other? Can you think of anything you might add?

So you guys can look back at my post of step one. I wouldn't change anything.

Try to add three more things that ou can't control and three more things you can. Remember: You can't control your own actions and attitudes.
I cannot control stupid people being stupid.
I can't control policies at my job haha
I can't control the choices of others.  

I can control the way I act on emotions.
I can control my actions when it comes to temptation.

Seriously, I really can't think of much I can control. That sucks, because it feels like crap to be out of control.

So the workbook says we often have to surrender one day or even one hour at a time.
For me I need to work on surrendering to recovery. The way I surrender is to eat a meal. Defuse ed thoughts, and stay away from triggers. I know if I can't face tomorrow I can just surrender one hour at a time, one meal at a time, etc. So yeah that's the plan. Going to meetings, talking to my therapist, blogging, following my meal plans, these are all things that help me surrender to recovery.

Next it says that most of us need never learned how to make wise decisions, yep that's me. Haha. So it says to pick an area of your life that you would like to turn over to the care of your higher power. Holy crap! There are a ton of areas I need to turn over to God. So I pick the way I use my money.

I continue to blow money on the dumbest things. Whether it be food, clothes, makeup, or anything else useless. I get really happy when I have money and I feel free. Then I'm out of money and I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I'm trying to work on this, it's really hard because I've lived this way ever since I've had a job so that's a long time having a bad habbit, so yeah it's going to be really hard to break. oy! I guess I should just pray about it. Yeah, duh I need to pray about it.

What does your friends, family, and sponsor say about this behavior?
My friends and family constantly say I need to be more responsible with my money and not make such irresponsible decisions.

How do you feel about this behavior?
It's embarrassing. I can't go anywhere in life when I constantly blow money. I wish I didn't have this issue. I wish I could have more willpower when It comes to spending.

Ugh I freaking hate step 3.

Next question what do you conclude, observe about this behavior?
I conclude that I'm so terrified of being poor that I pretend to be rich. Haha. Gosh , I have no freaking idea. I'm addicted to shopping? This is stupid I really don't know.

Look over your previous answers. What action will you take in light of this situation?
I will try to be more responsible with my money.
I will make a budget and have someone hold me accountable.
I will pay all my bills first and then put money aside to save so that I can move out.

Well that's step 3. I hated doing step 3, what do you guys think? Do you see something I'm missing?
As always thanks for reading. :)

Step 3...Finally!

Alrighty so I finally read step 3 again and I now know why step 3 is hard for me.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.  

      So step three is all about surrendering. To me and to most people surrendering feels like submission. I'm all about not being submissive. I don't like being told what to do and I don't like needing peoples help. I like to do things on my own. I feel that if I need to depend on people or need help that I have failed and I'm not capable of doing it on my own. So I feel like I cannot recover on my own. Like I need God's help. Okay I know I sound like a complete idiot and this does not make sense.

     I love God, I have faith and I know I need him. So why am I acting like I don't? Growing up I lived a very submissive life. This is due to the religion I grew up in. There were so many "standards" I was to follow that had to do with mostly outward appearance or what people saw or knew about you. I was always submissive...even when I didn't wanna be or even when I didn't agree with these "standards". I guess that's another reason why I'm so against being submissive.

     Also, I grew up in a family where becoming a stay at home mom and depending on a man to take care of you was what was expected. I'm so against that being expected from women. I want to have a career and make my own money. LOL

So I need to come to terms with the fact that surrendering is giving up something I have no control of in order to have control of the things I can. It's so hard for me to let go of this freaking eating disorder. I just feel like if I give it up I'm going to lose control. UGH this is so frustrating. Well anyways I'm going to do the work to step 3 and I'll post it. As always thanks for reading. :)

AGHHHH CRAP!!

     I knew this would happen. I just knew if I let go of restricting that I would lose control. This is so annoying. I was doing so good eating normal and then BAM! I lose control and I'm not afraid of food so now I just have been eating bad.

     I binged today. :( It was really bad. :( I feel like such a disgusting fat pig. Oh wait, I am a disgusting fat pig. I hate myself right now. Why is this happening? What triggered it? I know all my triggers and nothing has happened that would trigger me. I guess I'm just a fat pig who likes to eat too much. UGH! So yeah, someone tell me why I would want to eat "normal" if I can't. Why can't I just restrict? I don't wanna let go of ED, he keeps me from losing control. I need to gain control. I already have planned to not eat tomorrow and workout for like 3 hours. I need to do this. I have messed up and I need to fix it. And to all my friends who want to lecture me, save your breath. I'm not going to listen to anyone this is stupid. Really stupid. UGH I'm so pissed off at myself. Why am I such a fat pig? WHY?

     I know to all of my readers I probably sound ridiculous and not myself, but I just am so mad at this whole recovery crap. I plan on getting back on track, but first I need to fix this mistake. I wanted to purge so bad and then I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I just wasn't willing to do it. Which is also embarrassing that I kept that food in me.

     I can't wait to see my therapist I really need her help. I don't know how to get out of this rut on my own. I keep putting off reading step 3, I might do it tonight, Idk. I know I need to do it. Usually reading recovery related things gets me back on track. I also have another book by Jenni Schaefer called, "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." I should probably read that as well. I'm going to get back on track because I know I am heading down the path to a full on relapse and my life is just getting back on track I don't want to have to stop and do recovery again. I can't. I have too much to live for, I don't have time to waste on treatment. I know what I need to do, I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it. Okay well I'm done babbling tonight. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks again to all my readers.

Post from the porch

Hi guys,
Every morning I wake up make my coffee and go to the porch to smoke. It's my favorite time of day. It's my quiet time plus the morning cigarette is always the best. Ugh I can't believe I smoke. Idk how I'm going to quit. Anyways. This morning I woke up and thought you know I don't like the person I have been the past few weeks. I don't want to be that girl. No ambition, just going through the motions without a purpose. When I first came home from treatment I liked that girl, I had a purpose,I had plans. . I want to be that girl again. So today I start to be that person. I'm going to read step 3 again and get ready to meet my sponsor and I'm going to pray. I'm going to get back on track and work on the things that are going to make me a better person.

I'm going to invest more time in my blog. I'm going to get my priorities in order and be the person I want to be. Part of recovering is learning your values and that's what helps you to recover by living by your values. The past two or three weeks I have not been doing that so of course I've been off track. I realize that most people my age, like to party and that's how they live life, well as fun as that can be it's not the lifestyle I want to live. It's just not me. It goes against all my values. So, I'm not your typical 23 year old well I don't care. I'm going to start spending more time with the people who will bring me up, not down. I recently made friends with a few people and although they are lovely people they are not the kind of people I need to be hanging out with. They live to party and that's just not my lifestyle. I have a purpose and it's time I start acting like it.

     I know my family is ashamed of me and I have embarrassed them as well as hurt them and I need to apologize. :/ I hate this, but I know it's the right thing to do. So I'm going to apologize to my parents. This is not going to be easy because I hate being wrong and admitting so, but I owe them that.

     The other night when I went out with my friends and got wasted I ended up letting some random guy take me home. I couldn't drive for obvious reasons, but instead of letting my friends take me home I decided this other guy could. He was with the people I was hanging out with, but still I barely knew him. This was such a stupid decision. I could have been raped or worse. Luckily, nothing happened and I got home safely. I now regret the stupid decisions I made and I am very ashamed. All I can do is change now and learn from my mistakes. I know what I need to be doing and it's time I do so.
     I have a car and a job so I have no excuses to not go to meetings. I am going to meet with my sponsor Sunday night. I am also going to plan to go to AA one night next week. The reason being drunk is fun is I don't have to worry about anything, all my problems go out the door and I can just be stupid. Well, I know if I keep it up I'll be on my way to alcoholism and the fact that I can't resist temptation is a sign that I need to go to AA. No I'm not a full on alcoholic, but why not be preventive by going to AA? So that's the plan.

     To all my readers I apologize for being a bad influence and going against my values in turn making myself look like a fool and not being a good influence. I'm not sure what else to say, but today I'm starting over. I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but today is the day for real.
     As far as eating disorder behaviors go I have been all over the place. Since the last time I binged and purged, I haven't since. I have been focused on weight and food though and I know I shouldn't focus on those things. I just need to eat healthy and workout in moderation. I still long for that perfect body, but I know in the long run it's not going to make me happy and solve all my problems. So anyways that's today and I am excited to start fresh, again.

     Tonight I am going out to dinner with some family and friends and I can't wait. It will be so fun. I hope to have some recovery stories soon and more good news. Thank you to all my readers. :)
May God bless you all <3

Can I be any more stupid?

     Well I got invited to go out for a friend of mines birthday and my birthday as well, last night and I went. I knew I was going to drink. It was a ton of fun...we went to two different bars and I met a ton of new people and honestly being drunk is so fun. So anyways...I came home and puked my guts up and my dad was very angry with me. He was yelling at me and all I remember is him saying I was out of his life. Not sure....how true that is. So yeah, I screwed up again. I really have no feelings about it. I don't regret it I just feel bad putting my parents through it. So yeah, I mean i really don't think it's a big deal. I just feel bad I hurt my parents. They have done so much for me, I should respect them more. :/ I guess I have a lot of resintment lately torwards them. I don't know. I'm at my grandmas house tonight and I'll go from here to work tomorrow. I guess I might see my dad tomorrow, kinda worried about how that is going to go. I can't wait to see my therapist I miss her and It will be so nice to talk to someone who understands. I hate being surrounded by people who are so clueless. I mean they try to understand, but it's just so nice to talk to people that really understand. I think that's why I've been so lonely lately. I just feel so alone and there is no one to talk to that understands. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I don't know maybe it's that chip on my shoulder again. Oh well.  Anyways...I guess that's all I have for now. :/

Love you guys for reading. :)

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

     Haha! Yesterday was my birthday ...it was pretty lame. I feel like whining. LOL Lately I've had a chip on my shoulder lately, and I know I just need to get it off. So, yeah I'm going to. Life is so beautiful and I need to start living like it is. So no more pouting. I know what I need to do to be happy and I just need to do it.

     My brother took me to the movies and that was really sweet of him. 

     So update, the not smoking thing is so not working. I have no idea how I'm going to quit. :( Bummer. It's too expensive. Now that I have to buy them myself I'm like dang I don't need to spend that much money killing myself slowly. LOL

     The not drinking thing is not going too well either. Once I finish this bottle I'll be done and won't buy anymore. Well, I say that now but, I don't know you know. Temptation is a little bit much. I feel like I'm just being stupid. I know I am. I know I'm just giving in to temptation. I feel like once I talk to my therapist about it she will give me good advice. She's so awesome, she always gives me so much advice and really helps me. So I can't wait to see her again.

     So, let's see what else? Um, I'm really liking my job, it's a lot of pressure, but it's worth it. I am definitely going to work really hard because I know I can move up. I do work really hard. It's hard...because I get graded on the appointments I set and... I haven't been able to get appointments. I literally spend all day on the phone calling people trying to get them to come in. I mostly get voice mails. It sucks. So my boss said we are going to have to start going out to the public and get memberships that way. At first I was like oh yeah I can do that, but now I'm like oh crap this is going to be hard. Like how do you go up to someone while they are shopping and be like "Hi, do you want to sign up at the gym?"? So yeah I'm a bit nervous, but I know I will be great because I have a great personality and I'm not afraid to talk to people. So yeah, it will be interesting. I don't understand why we just don't run a special...if we did that we would get a ton of people. So, I'm going to talk to my boss and suggest some ideas. We will see how that goes.

     I feel like people are now thinking well you can eat now so you just need to get over it. Ha! If that was the case then...I would be perfectly fine. So anyways, I still have ED thoughts constantly and I feel lost. So...yeah. It's not like I am just being stupid and I just need to get over it. It's dumb for people to think or suggest that. Yes, I know there are some things I can control and I need to make better choices, but as far as the whole recovery thing...it's not like just because I can eat now everything is okay and I'm better. I still have trouble eating certain things, I still fight wanting to starve or purge. I still feel like I don't want to let it go because if I do that means I'll be fat the rest of my life. I don't know I just can't get over that. I'm terrified that If I'm not afraid of food then I'll just be fat. I know I've lost weight and inches and I do look a lot better, but its hard for me to really see that because I feel the same. There are still days I want to hide from the world because I feel disgusting. It's hard. Every time I work out I do just enough and I always feel like I should have done more. My dietician said I should only do an hour a day. I don't think that's enough, but I have been following her advice.

     I'm feeling better today, not as depressed so I'm hoping that I will be a lot better soon. Now that the lights on my car work I have the freedom to do whatever I want and it is amazing. :D I can't wait. Well I think that's all I have for today. Thanks for reading.

oy

     So Okay I know I haven't been posting a lot and that's because I've kinda been out of it. Life has been kinda weird lately. I just don't feel right. I go to work and come home and sleep. That's all I do. I'm lonely and sad. I feel trapped. I don't enjoy anything and I know I'm depressed. So, yeah I haven't been taking my medications regularly. I know that has something to do with it. I hate I have to rely on medications to stabilize my mood. It makes me feel legit crazy. Last Friday night the 23rd I got wasted at a friends house with some other friends. Ever since that night things have been off. I've been drinking all week. I even went out and bought liquor. Idk what is wrong with me and why I'm making stupid choices. I know I shouldn't drink so why am I? I don't know. It doesn't even make me feel good anymore. It just makes me feel sick. So yeah on top of that I've been sick every day for the past week and a half. I don't know if it's been a stomach bug or what. Also I haven't been smoking as much as I used to because for some reason it just doesn't feel good anymore and it also makes me feel sick. Maybe this is God's way of making me quit. Well God, it's working. I'm ready to quit. I'm all out of cigarettes and my mom won't buy me any so...I'll be quitting. This will be the first day I don't smoke in I can't remember so I'm pretty nervous. 

 I don't know why, but I've been really hungry the past like four days. I hate it because I used to never be hungry. It's like ever since I've started working I like to eat. I hate it. I don't want to like food. It's awful. I even have had fast food twice. I did feel a little guilty, but it wasn't that bad. I just shrugged it off. I haven't seen my therapist or dietician now in 3 weeks. It really sucks, I really need to see them. I called my insurance and they have agreed to do a single case agreement for me to see my therapist so now I'm just waiting for my therapist to negotiate with them and see if it is a for sure deal. Last night I binged and purged twice, back to back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know why I did it. I don't want to live without ED, I'm terrified now that I'm not afraid to eat that I will just be a huge fat ass the rest of my life. ED still has his grip on me and last night I gave in to his temptation. It was a really weird experience. Still I can't believe I used to do that everyday. It felt kinda relieving but more weird than anything. Some things at work have triggered me a lot and I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. I was feeling good about my body earlier this week. Just Thursday I went to work out and I wore a tank top...this has never been done. I felt confident. Then for some reason, Friday I just started feeling huge and disgusting. I can't shake it. I hate wearing clothes I just want to hide in my room all day. 

Today I am going to start taking my medications regularly and I'm going to follow my meal plan to a T. I'm getting back on track. I also am stuck on step 3 of the 12 steps I just can't get myself to surrender. I don't know why. It sucks I really want to move on with the steps. I'm trapped. I hate this feeling I wish it would go away. Well I'm going to start reading more ED literature this week and do some mindfulness and prayer. I've got to get back on track or I know I'll end up puking my guts up every day. I don't want that, I really don't. So here's to getting back on the right track.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

~Dedicated to Meg~

I'd like to take this time to thank my friend and my biggest supporter, Meg. :D 

     Meg's birthday was on Monday!! Happy Birthday Meg! I thought what a great time to honor her. 

     I met Meg 2 years ago when she moved from Indiana to Texas. She is my uncles cousin. She moved down here for a job. We became friends and slowly we became really good friends. I never knew how good of friends we were until the night I tried to take my life. She was living in Kingswood at the time which is 45 minutes from me. She drove all the way to the hospital to see me at like 11:30 at night even though she had to work the next day. Ever since then she has been such an amazing friend and one of my greatest supporters in my recovery. While I was in treatment she wrote me letters, cards, and even sent me little gifts. When I came home she was here for me 100%. She took the time to learn about my eating disorder and became very educated on it. She has read all my post since day one. I was so shocked that she wanted to learn more and actually did. She even took the time to do some research on her own. 

      I have no idea how, but she always knows the right things to say. No one outside of my therapist, dietician, and the people who have eating disorders themselves understand. Someway, somehow, she understands. I know that God has put her in my life for a reason. I cannot even express how much she has done for me. She has been there for me so much and is always there.She has seen me at my worst, she's dealt with me sobbing and still when I am the hugest mess, she still always knows what to say. I have no idea how. I just know that God has given her the wisdom to help me. I will forever be grateful to her. She is such an amazing person. I love her dearly. I will always be grateful to her. She not only is a great supporter and friend she is also a very talented photographer. Take some time to check out her work at http://www.megsloan.com/.

Meg, thank you. You are so awesome! I love you dearly and I just thank you so much for being such an awesome friend! :D

*screaming in my pillow to drowned out the noise*

Oh man, I'm so angry. What happened? Where did all this come from? Who am I?

I feel so lost. Thanksgiving sucked! I was all ready to conquer the day and feeling pretty confident about it. I was excited to spend the day with my family. Then last minute I find out my uncles parents are coming, my uncles mom is anorexic/bulimic. So I immediately kinda just fell apart. No one understands and they never will. I guess that's why I feel so alone lately. I just freaked out and it really ruined everything. I finally went downstairs to conquer the trigger and eat my meal as planned, but as soon as I got a plate and tried to fix it I dropped it and ran out the door and started sobbing. My sister came out and helped me. She was so sweet and supportive. So long story short, I ate and I was fine. Friday I left work early because I was not feeling well and honestly I just didn't want to be there. Friday night I got wasted with some friends and called in to work on Saturday. My whole weekend was a big blur I pretty much slept all weekend. I went to work yesterday from 10:30 to 4pm and it was so awful, all I did was make phone calls all day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to stick with this job, honestly all I do is make phone calls and no one ever answers. I work 12-9 today and it's going to suck, I'm not looking forward to making phone calls for eight freaking hours.

Anyways, I feel really lost lately, and alone. I really just don't know who I am. Life is so blah, I feel trapped. I don't have IOP anymore and I need to find a therapist and dietician and yet at the same time I'm sick of recovery, I just want to go on with life. I know that's not going to happen. I know I need to stay in "recovery mode". I know I need to make recovery my first priority and everything else second. I just feel weird. Eating has become really easy and I'm afraid of just being fat. I mean I don't overeat, I portion my meals, I eat just enough and I'm done, so why am I terrified of losing control if I've shown so much control? I just feel like I need to restrict (not eat) for a few days to get some control back. Maybe I feel my life is out of control. IDK I just want a normal life. I feel like right now everything is in the process of getting back in order and I just need to wait through it all. IDK again I just don't know. I'm extremely angry, I feel like It's time to let go of ED all the way, but something is holding me back. What is it? Why am I clinging to the last bits of ED and not letting go. Why do I feel like I'm losing a piece of me. Why does my life feel so empty without ED? Life is just so blah, I feel sad and really lonely and I don't know why? I feel kind of numb and just like so miserable. I don't know what's really going on, but today I will find out. I'm going to finish step three and start looking for a therapist. I am going to get back into "recovery mode" and keep going. I can't let my passions die. I have to fulfill them or I'll lose sight of all that's good in this life. I want the good in my life.

Sorry for all the randomness I just needed to vent and write all my feelings on paper. I do feel so much better. :) Take care my lovelies.

Saying goodbye

     

Saying goodbye!
 Tuesday in group we talked about the stage in recovery when eating is under control and it's actually time to say goodbye to your ed. Now logically you would think this would be easy. Especially because all the turmoil your ed put you through, everything it stole from you, all the harm it did to your body, all the people it hurt, all the lonely nights laying in bed with stomach pains too afraid to go to the kitchen for fear of binging so you just lay in bed praying you can fall asleep. Then waking up in the morning paralyzed in bed because you are terrified you have gained weight and you have to weigh as soon as you get up but, if you gained you can bet your bottom ed will cause havoc in your day. So....why is it hard to say goodbye?

Your not just saying goodbye to all the bad your saying goodbye to all the "good", to all you know, to the only way you have lived life for years. I know anyone not suffering from ed, most likely will not understand so I will try my best to explain.

Having an eating disorder...we feel empowered by ED, he makes us feel competent, so I didn't make the grade I wanted on that test, Ed tells me "Holly, it's okay, at least you skipped lunch, good job". Screw up at work Ed tells me, "Holly its okay just don't eat the rest of the day, that will make you feel better". Get rejected by a guy, "Holly it's because your fat and I know that makes you sad so why don't you go buy a dozen of donuts stuff your face and then puke it all up, you know that high you get from purging, that will make you feel better".

Every time we starve, over exercise, purge, Ed commends us, makes us feel superior to everyone else. When we sit and watch others eat, Ed tells us, you're so much stronger than them, you don't have to eat. When were lonely Ed comforts us and tells us once your thin you will be so popular and happy. When we feel like a failure Ed tells us it's okay you can fast for a few days and feel so accomplished.

After living with Ed for so long, it's hard to imagine your life without him. What will you do if life doesn't go your way if Ed is not there to save the day. Who are you without Ed? How will you do life without ED? Here is an inside look of my session with my therapist on Tuesday.

I told her I feel like I'm not ready to let go all the way. I told her I think that's why I've been restricting for so long lately. I'm not sure if I can say goodbye. Then I started to sob, I kept saying, "I just don't know.....I don't know...I don't know what life will be like. I've had this for almost 5 years, how do I live without it, I just don't know". She replied that what I was feeling is normal and that it's time for me to grieve the loss of my eating disorder. She said like when grieving for a loved one you will go through the 5 stages of grieving. I just sat there, tears rolling down my face staring at the floor. I finally looked up at her and started talking about how I should be excited to live life without Ed, I should be happy that I won't be having stomach pains from not eating, that I won't be a raging bitch because I'm starving, that I won't be so tired and grumpy, that I won't have headaches and aches all over, that I won't have muscle cramps. I continued to tell her, I can't imagine going to work all day and not eating and that I could not imagine staying up half the night puking my guts up and then going to work the next morning, so why do I feel like life is going to be hard without Ed?

Life without Ed is the unknown, literally. I have no idea what my life will be like without ed. I have absolutely no idea and honestly that's scary. I already miss him. After my therapist told me I will go through the five stages of grieving I reflected on the past month or so and I realized, Woah! I have. I have gone through denial, anger, oh man lots of anger, bargaining, and right now what I'm feeling this sadness this fear is depression. So I am on my way to saying goodbye. Soon I will be writing my goodbye letter to Ed because life has to be better without him and although I fear it, I also look forward to it. 

 ~You've done all the things that could kill you somehow ~
And you're so far down,
But you will survive this somehow,
Because life starts now

Update!!!

So I am way behind on post...sorry guys, I've been super busy lately.
     So Friday Nov. 9th, I got a call qrom my gym, asking me to come in for an interview! I was so ecstatic, I had applied there awhile back. This is another job btw then the other one I had applied at. So a little info. My gym is like 10 min down the road, it's a womens only gym, it has all the amenities you can imagine and free child care. :)
     So Friday I went on the interview and it went great. Friday night I got a call saying I got the job and I start Monday!!! Okay guys, this such a huge huge huge blessing. My position is in sales so basically, I'm in charge of getting people to join the gym. :D
      So Monday, my boss and I went to Kroger to do what's called an onsite. It's when the gym has an amazing promotion and we sign people up right there. This was fun, my boss is really cool btw. So I ended up signing up quite a few people and my boss left me there the last hour alone and I sold 4 more. This made me feel so so great, because she already trusted me. I got commended on my first day which made me feel even better.
     Last week my therapist told me that I could come one last week and they wouldn't worry about the cost but, fortunately they got my insurance to cover. So the next step is getting my insurance to do a single case agreement for me to do outpatient, which would be just me getting to see the same dietician and therapist. Right now I am in IOP which is Intensive Outpatient. So the fantastic news is I get to spend hours on the phone with my insurance company bugging them like crazy to get them to approve this. FYI insurance SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you have an eating disorder. This is why I am so passionate about ED awareness. The more awareness there is then the doctors and insurance companies will have no other choice to offer more care. I'll write another post on this alone!

So that's the current on my life. I'm going to write another post on more updates. I don't like to make post too long b/c I know nobody wants to read a lonnnnnng post about me blabbering on my life lol.

After math of last post

Okay guys,                              Nov. 7th
      So I got a lot of bad information this past week. Here's an overview
*Found out my insurance is no longer going to pay for outpatient. 
*Went to an interview for a great full time job and found out It wont be possible for me to start b/c of car issues. 
*Have been restricting lately :(

Remember in my last post how I was talking about not being able to fully trust God etc?

Well last night...I prayed a very simple prayer. I prayed for freedom of this disease, the motivation to recover, and I asked God to help me to trust him and to help me give my life to him. 

This morning I woke up and received a call from someone interested in buying my car. So I decided to go on a second interview for the job. My neighbor is selling her car for the amount I'm selling mine. So the day went on and the guy is coming by my house tonight to buy my car. If I get the job I am going to buy my neighbors car. :) 

So the good news is next week is my last week in outpatient, wait that's not good news. lol The good news is that if I do in fact get the job I will have so many benefits for my recovery being that I won't be able to go to outpatient anymore.

*I will get a full time job to keep me busy
*I will have a car and gas money to go to as many EDA and AA meetings as possible. 
*I can meet with my sponsor and continue my 12 steps.
*This job offers me one day off during the week and then I get to choose what day on the weekend I want to work. 
*On my day off I can schedule all my appointments ie; Therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician. 
*Sense I will no longer be in the outpatient program I will have to find a new therapist and dietician :( I hate this part b/c I love my current ones soooooo sooooo much. :(
*the good part is with a full time job I can afford a dietician. They are pricey bc my insurance might not cover it bc I don't have diabetes. Oh the perks of trying to get better. ;) 
 *Also with a full time job I can afford to start boxing lessons! 

Also I enrolled in a beauty school yesterday, just waiting to find out how much it cost and if I will in fact be able to start in January or not. So lots of good things are coming out of this. My point is I prayed for God to help me trust him and he has opened so many doors for me just in one day. :D I am so so so grateful to God. I am just beyond gratitude. :D 

I feel like I am finally getting my life back and can start living to the fullest amidst my recovery.

I am just so grateful and excited I wanted to share with you guys the grace of God and his goodness! :D  

Step 3 oye! :/

So...I just finished reading step 3. 

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 

Well I don't know why but, this is a complicated step. I know God and I trust him so why is it so hard for me to just hand over my burdens to him and surrender to his will. I trust that he will take care of me and provide me with what I need. So why is it so hard for me to just let go. 

So while reading step three I realized a ton of things. 

1) I'm a control freak. (kinda already knew that)

2) I am scared to let things go.

3) Something is holding me back and I'm not sure what it is.

4) I want to be able to do things on my own without God, I don't know why but, I feel like I don't need or shouldn't need help. 

So I'm going to blabber about each of these realizations and see if I can come to more of an understanding of what's beneath them all.

So  1. I like, I need to be in control. Growing up after years of disappointment I learned that I could not trust people.I tried so many times to trust that people would take care of me and they never did. I was hurt very badly by many people. These people were the ones that were supposed to take care of me and protect me from getting hurt. I was young and needed people to protect me, guide me, care for my well being, and lead me to great things. I grew up not really having those people. I learned at a young age that if I wanted something I'd have to earn it all by myself, do it all by myself. I didn't have people who believed in me. I didn't have people who supported my dreams and aspirations. I didn't have people that would realize what I needed and give it to me. I tried so many times to voice my needs as a child and these needs were always minimized by "more" important things. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to need things. I was made guilty for needing things. So of course growing up I had to learn to take care of myself for no one else would do it for me. As I grew older I tried more to get help from people only to be let down a many of times. This hurt, it hurt really bad and I still have some resentment. So I finally realized I needed to take care of myself and that only I could control the outcome of my life. I learned that I needed to control my feelings because I was not allowed to feel things. I was made to believe that I should just "get over it". That my feelings were not important. That the things I cared about and worried about were not important or valid worries, that I should just accept the bad and get over it. So because of all of that I grew up trying my best to control my life and my feelings. I felt I needed to be strong, to be resistant to feelings, I felt as if feeling things was me being over dramatic, a victim, a complainer. I just needed to get over hurt, pain, sadness, let downs, and just be strong and keep going. I also started to control everything and if I didn't control things then everything would fall apart. I had to be in control. This brought on more stress, pressure, and fear. So yes, I feel like I need to be in control. I've realized that there are only so many things I can control and that life happens and I cannot expect myself to control my feelings. I've learned that I am allowed to feel, to express my feelings and if no one else sees them as valid I know they are and I won't hide them anymore. So the end result, I'm afraid to let go of my control for fear of my life becoming unmanageable but the truth is my life had become unmanageable because of my need to control everything.

2. I am scared to let things go. You can see from the above that my fear is that if I let go who will be in control? How will things go well if I'm not in control. How can I trust that my life with turn out right if I let go. How can I let go and expect good things to happen. Then the question is, what am I holding on to? I'm holding on to resentment, I'm holding on to the need to be perfect, I'm holding on to the need to succeed, I'm holding on to the belief that if I'm in control then nothing will go wrong. Why do I feel that way? If I've "been in control" all this time and bad things have happened then why do I feel I still need to be in control. I think I'm scared because I'm not exactly sure what I need to let go of. I need to have that balance of making choices for my life yet not trying to control the things I cannot change. 

3. Something is holding me back. What is it? When I go to church I know all I need to do is to surrender to God and my burdens will be lifted. So what's keeping me from surrendering? I think I'm afraid to truly let go of my eating disorder because after 5 years of having it, how will I live without it? Who am I apart from my eating disorder? I just can't imagine life without it and it's scary to let go of the only thing you can "control", the only thing that you used to think "kept you sane". From the previous steps I admitted I was not in control and that I was insane while in my eating disorder. So....what the heck am I talking about? Ugh, I'm so lost.

4. What the heck is wrong with me. I grew up with tremendous faith in God, I grew up believing that I needed God in order to live a happy life. I grew up trusting God to take care of me because he in fact did care for me and promised to take care of me. I surrendered my life over to God at a very young age and believed that everything would be okay because God would take care of me and help me in my time of trouble. So....what happened? Maybe I lost my faith because while I had a tremendous relationship with God, that's when I developed my eating disorder. Maybe I lost my faith in God when life turned to turmoil. Maybe I lost my faith in God because I saw a dear friend die from cancer after truly believing and trusting God to save him. Losing faith in God goes against everything I believe. So, what the heck is wrong with me? This is not me, I do believe in God, I do believe that his will is greater than my own, so why am I holding back from surrendering to his will? I don't like this. I want to trust again. I feel like I am committing a sin for lack of trust in God. I literally feel lost. I can feel God's presence when I am in church, I know it was God that saved me while in treatment. I know God has been with me throughout my recovery, so what's the deal?

So that's it. Everything is a bit more clear. I am still afraid to let go. I am still afraid to hand my life over to God. I am still unsure of letting go of control. So does this mean I cannot continue step 3, if so when and how will I do this? I know I need to feel it in my heart and truly surrender, so what do I do from here. The first thing I'm going to do is to pray. I'm going to tell God how I feel and ask for his guidance. I'm going to ask God to restore my faith and help me to surrender and from there I will complete step 3. So that's all for now. 

 

Blah blah blah

So I just felt like writing a post about my everyday stuff. I feel like I only talk about dramatic depressing stuff about recovery. Blah. That stuff gets too depressing. 

So here we go. Life right now is pretty good. Besides the down parts of recovery. So Mon-Friday is really nice. :) I blog of course ;), work on the 12 steps, art, read my recovery focused books, pray and meditate and try my best to follow my meal plan. So my todo list today is as follows:

*do some cleaning
*Read/study my Acceptence Commitment Therapy book
*Read step 3 and complete it in the 12 step workbook
*Pray and meditate
*Get some exercise in 
*Apply for jobs
*Read "Life without ED" by Jenni Schaefer
*Call cosmetology schools and set up school tours
*Send letters to my friends still in treatment 
*Add Survivor stories to my blog 

So I have a lot to do but, It's things I'm actually excited to complete well except for the cleaning and applying for jobs lol 

So I recently found a ton of girls on instagram that are recovering and I'm really excited about it. One girl post all her meals/recipes.So it's really motivational to be following these girls. :) I'm excited. 
The past few days I've had issues with restricting so today I'm starting fresh and committed to following my meal plan. :) It's going to be tough but, I'm going to do it. Screw ED!  I got this. 

Oh some more exciting news, I found a boxing gym. I can get personal lessons 3 days a week for only $119 a month. I think that's a great deal and boxing is something I really want to get into. I fell in love with it at my treatment center. There was a punching bag in the fitness center and I learned 3 punches and 3 kicks, then a few combinations. I absolutely loved it. So I can't wait to get a job so I can get started. I'm getting a punching bag for my bday Dec 4th. YAY!!! Can't wait, I will probably be beating the crap out of it every single day! :D It's also a really great way to relieve stress and anger without over exercising. 

My friend is a photographer and I love helping out with shoots. There is one coming up and I have to honor of doing the models hair. :D I absolutely love doing hair and makeup. I will post pics from the shoot with her permission to show you guys my work. :) 

I'd like to offer my support to anyone reading my blog that is in recovery or just struggling. Here's my email. hollyconger@rocketmail.com! I hope you will email me for anything even if you just need someone to talk to. :) I will keep it confidential of course. :)
Well I think that's all I have to blabber about now. I will be posting about step 3 soon. So take care and stay tuned.
Sending love to all my readers :)

Boys, boys, boys

So recovery is hard for me because of this BIG problem I have. Well to you it might seem ridiculous like most of my "issues" but, this whole illness is ridiculous. So you are probably wondering what my BIG issue is. Well lets see if I can explain it.

    As you probably have already assumed I have really low self esteem. Ive had this issue most of my life I'm thinking like since 3rd grade and with age it progressed from moderate low self esteem to self hate and loathing. See the thing is I felt as if I was never the "pretty one", then with age I was never the "hot one", you know the girls that guys liked. I was always just blah. I had no sex appeal at all, well that's how I felt. Like any young girl I longed for guys to like me. I wanted to be asked out and such. The fact is looking back now I really don't know why I never got asked out. Was it because I was in fact ugly or fat? Or was it because I was terribly shy and afraid of boys. I noticed how other girls that wouldn't be stereotyped as "pretty ones", "hot ones", would have boyfriends, so what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I get a boyfriend? I really don't know what it was. I never will.
    So as time went on I finally got asked out at age17. I was ecstatic of course because it was actually a guy I really, really liked. Then as life would have it he decided to go another direction. A girl that had major sex appeal loured him away. So I of course read into this way deep and came up with the following conclusions:
*I was not attractive
*The only reason he asked me out is because he was desperate
*I sucked at having sex appeal and also had a boring personality
*I would never be attractive to a guy unless I was thin

So of course all these assumptions stayed with me. To this day I believe that I will never find a guy that likes me because I'm not thin, attractive, pretty, sexy, and the list goes on. I feel like if I was thin then I could have any guy I wanted. If I was thin life would be so much better. Well that's false all in itself. I know rationally being thin has nothing to do with being happy. It just doesn't matter. If I am unhappy with myself and feel like I will never be good enough even when I am thin I will still not be happy or good enough. This is still hard for me to believe. I don't know why, I'm just so stuck in believing that being thin is the ultimate goal and answer to life's happiness. It's crazy I know.
    I've been learning through this whole process of recovery that I have to learn to love who I am. So who am I? I recently have been making a lot of progress in learning to love myself for things other than my appearance. I even came up with a long list of all the good things about me, my talents, my qualities, my traits, and to my surprise the list was pretty long. Looking at that piece of paper I feel very content with the person explained on it. She's great quite honestly. Try not to assume I'm becoming coincided....that is a long shot. Anyways so I was getting more comfortable in my skin. I know that the way I look does not determine who I am and what I am capable of. The way I look has nothing to do with my happiness. So the whole point of this post is this. I was making progress and feeling really good about myself...then it happened.
    This is the BIG problem...boys. I don't know what it is but being around attractive guys makes me feel like complete trash. All my insecurities come up and I am flooded by torturous thoughts. Here are some examples of how I feel  and/or think:
"I am so fat and ugly, no guy will ever like me"
"I bet if I looked like her they would like me"
"why do I even like this guy? I know he would never be with me"
"he probably thinks I'm gross"
"I probably shouldn't eat in front of this guy"
"I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about a guy, I know they will never like me."

So I feel like shit and when this happens Ed's voice gets really loud. All I can think about is how I need to lose weight, how ugly I am, how better life would be if I was thin and so the cycle continues. The thing is I can't be around guys, no matter what their intentions I twist everything and it severely triggers me. Recently one of my exes who just broke up with his fiance' btw...started talking to me, mind you we haven't talked in years. So I carry a convo over the internet with him like I would any friend and I immediately let him know I am not interested in dating bc honestly I'm not an idiot, exes don't just come up from out of the blue just to be friends. I did this to protect myself because one I don't even like him and two I didn't want any drama with him thinking I was leading him on just because I'm nice. So anyways he assured me that, that was not his intentions he just wanted to be friends. So the next day we talk some more and again I am friendly and non flirty. He then ask me if I want to get dinner. I'm shocked, I handle the situation by kindly reiterating that I'm not interested and move on. Of course after I turn him down he stops talking to me altogether. So you are probably wondering why I have told you this story. Well, the thing I said earlier about how guys trigger me, this is it. From that alone this is what Ed saw between the lines...
"wow, he just gets out of a relationship and he wants a rebound"
"he probably thinks I'm easy"
"he probably thinks I'm desperate"
I felt worthless and disrespected, I felt like he thought I would be desperate because of how ugly I am.

The thing is I don't know if any of this is true...I hope not but I don't really care, the thing is guys make me feel like shit. No matter what their intentions are, no matter what they say or do not say, I twist it so many times in my head and the outcome is me feeling like shit. I hate this. It sucks and I don't really know how to handle it. So...knowing this is a huge trigger I have to be very careful not to get into a guy or guys. Since I've been in recovery having a relationship or even just dating is the last thing on my mind. I'm finally not needing guys validating my self worth. I know that my self worth has nothing to do with how many guys like me or think I'm pretty etc. Even though knowing all this I have to be careful not to be around guys that I know will make me feel this way. The thing is, I can't not be around guys, life doesn't work that way. There will always be a time where I am around an attractive guy or when feelings come up for a guy. How do I handle this, I honestly have no idea. This will be something my therapist and I talk about next week. I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be something like "When you truly love yourself, you will not have these insecurities." So I will continue to work on learning to love myself and be happy with who I am. Oh, the whole reason I even thought to post about this is because tonight I was hanging around a guy I have a crush on. I have tried so so hard not to like this guy and to rationalize not having feelings for him but, no matter what I tell myself I cannot shake how I feel about him. It's something that will never happen and its not like oh it's meant to be, I'm sure it's just a silly crush but, being around him made all these feelings come up so I thought I'd blog about it before I decided that I need to spend three hours at the gym everyday next week. lol until next time.
Wish me luck. One more step is one more less I have to go.

Relapse 2

This an older post I forgot to publish...it was what happened before I learned about my relapses.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.
Last night I was stressed out. I thought I was fine but, obliviously I wasn't.
Out of nowhere Ed came to visit me. First Ed told me, "you screwed up today, and you're really stressed out why not buy some alcohol, that will make you feel better, won't it?
Me:No, no, no. I don't need alcohol I'm fine.
Ed:tapping his fingers on his wrapped hands, smirking, "Well aren't you hungry, you've been restricting all day, maybe just a litte burger would be good.
Me:Wait Ed, I can have a burger?
Ed: of course you can, you can have whatever you want, but if you eat that you will have to purge.
Me: Yeah, I thought so.
Ed:Well Holly, go ahead and eat as much as you want if you're going to purge anyways. You sucked really bad yesterday and today, might as well end with a big bang, right?
Me: Well I really don't want fast food, but the thought of binging and purging feels really enticing...
And just like that I listened to ED.  

The above dialogue probably seems ridiculous, reading it now , It's really ridiculous. If I had been in my right frame of mind I probably would have seen Ed trying to wrap his greasy paws on me. Ugh! I'm feeling so so angry right now. Why won't he just leave me alone already. I've made so much progress. I'm sick of being his puppet. I want to be free. A few weeks ago I was feeling free. I was feeling so free and I was doing great. Then comes a little stress and BAM! Ed sinks his claws in me and says he will help take it away.
 I was like man I should buy some alcohol, then I was like no, no, no, I don't need that. Then second that popped in my head was buy some fast food. You haven't had it in forever, what would one little item be. Then I thought well if you eat this you will have to purge, no way you can eat fast food and not purge, second thought, Okay so I might as well binge...and that was that, I 'm going to binge and purge.

     I don't understand it. Writing this now I'm just so confused why did I do that? I feel like I was literally not in the right frame of mind. So...that's the tricky part about ED he can jump out of nowhere and just take control.

I know why this happened. I have not been practicing my mindfulness. Mindfulness activities slow my thinking and help me to have more control over my mind. It slows my thinking so that when thoughts like this come up I can easily separate them from irrational to rational. 

Group Therapy....

Group therapy is very important to my recovery personally. It's really great, I have group therapy lead by my therapist at my outpatient treatment and I have regular sessions with my therapist one on one. Every time I leave group I leave with new knowledge about myself and recovery in general. Today I told the group how I had relapsed and I learned a lot of things.

     I believed I was losing control and so, I was more willing to practice my eating disorder behaviors. I am a very self critical person and a perfectionist. These are two things that will not work in my recovery. I need to be willing to make mistakes and accept them at face value, it was a mistake okay it's done now what can I do to get back on track. Instead of the OMG I made a mistake, I'm a failure, I'm not strong enough, I suck at life, OMG Why? why? Why? My therapist told me to stop asking why, it does not matter, what matters is that I move on. If I focus too much on why I made the mistake it's going to keep me stuck. Instead of asking myself why and looking for an answer I need to just let myself be curious. There is not always an answer for everything.

I'm a control freak...this is one of the main reasons I developed an eating disorder. I need to have control of something so why not control my food? In life when I feel I have no control over things I immediately act on behaviors to get a sense of control in my life. Instead of trying to control everything I need to take everything as it comes, do what I can do and not worry about the rest. I tend to stress myself out, by my own expectations of how things need to be done. This is from my perfectionist side. I don't allow myself to screw up, but in life people will screw up, it's just a part of life. I have to train myself to allow screw ups, learn from then and move on. I tend to beat myself up relentlessly, until I believe I am no good.

All along I thought one day I'll be recovered and I wont need therapy etc anymore. Well today my therapist and group helped me realized, I'll never not have an eating disorder, I'll never not be "in recovery", it will get a lot easier with time, but I'll always have an eating disorder that I will need to stay healthy and keep myself from acting on the behaviors. Some people do get rid of the symptoms and urges, but others do not. I don't know what the cards hold for me, but this was a very hard truth for me to come to. I'm so sick of dealing with this every single day at every meal. I just want to be "normal" whatever that is. I don't want to have these feelings and struggles anymore and I thought one day it would all go away. I sat and cried as they explained. I guess I had myself fooled. Imagine being told you were going to have a disease the rest of your life, well that's how I feel. I guess like a diabetic will always have to watch what they eat and take meds. I'll have to keep going to therapy, and keep a healthy mind. I'm sure one day it will be a lot easier, but the fact is that certain life's struggles could bring about a relapse so I have to be on my A game to prevent that from happening. So anyways that was a really hard truth, but I'm just going to accept it and move forward in my recovery.

I feel like I've just been rambling, but I hope you get something out of this post. Thanks to all my readers. Have a blessed night! :D

Relapse....

RELAPSE....
       What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up

So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged. 

     I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.

What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...

     Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience. 
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges 
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging. 

Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life. 
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D 

*The Challenge*

     Hi guys,
  I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
     So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
     I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
     Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
                                                                  Holly :)

Rant & Rave #1

I called this #1 because I'm sure there will be many more.

     So today was shit!!! I woke up and worked on some stuff, time slipped away and I missed my breakfast time and so I had a late breakfast that I didn't want. After coffee and cigarettes, I'm not so hungry anymore. So anyways I made myself eat breakfast and the day went on slow and boring. I did some more art work which was fun. Oh I'll have to post pics for you guys. :D So then lunch came around, wasn't hungry again so I made myself eat and it was pretty easy to get down bc my mom was there to keep some conversation going. Then I thought I was tired, tried to take a nap and I couldn't fall asleep. Was dreadfully bored the whole day. So then things got better, because I sang of course. Did I mention that I love to sing? Well, I do. Singing takes me out of this nightmare of a world and makes me incredibly happy. So I jammed out by myself and was having a good afternoon. But then time got a way again and I forgot to make my dinner. I usually don't eat what my mom cooks because its scary. LOL Her cooking is amazing but for all my ED kids out their you will understand when I say its southern, lots of butter, and lots of grease and starches. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyways it was already 6:30 and I needed the grill to cook my food but it was being used to cook pork chops, I had offered to make dinner and that took until around 8pm so anyways by the time my fish was done it was 8:22pm way too late to eat buy I hadn't eaten since my afternoon snack and I didn't want to skip a meal. Well ed wanted me to skip tonight's dinner. My stomach was bloated and hurting so the last thing I wanted to do was eat right? So I texted my sponsor and a good friend who is on my support team for some extra support. Eventually I made myself eat and I didn't die, go figure, right? So I'm feeling fat etc....and then my sponsor finally replies after I've ate and says, "dont eat. be gentle with yourself". Very aggravated with her, I don't know why she would instruct me not to eat.??? So after eating and then getting that text of course Ed had a lot of fun with that. His words were, 
"why did you eat"
"see you didn't have to eat, you just wanted to stuff your face you fat pig"
"you're so stupid, why didn't you listen to me when I told you it was okay to skip one meal, even your sponsor agrees with me."
"Ugh your so fat, you're never going to lose weight, If only you would just listen to me"

     So of course I'm a nervous wreck and on the verge of breaking something. I've felt so crappy today and so angry. Some other things happened today that made me feel like shit, and I'm assuming that's why it was so hard to eat. I don't take critisism well and so when I get criticized even in a good way, I beat myself up. My perfectionist mind...we will call her Percy, beats me relentlessly  until I agree that I am a load of crap, good for nothing loser. UGH!!! I'm so sick of all of this. Sick of recovery, sick of fighting, sick of not being able to control my own thoughts. I HATE THIS DISEASE AND I HATE ED AND PERCY!!! They royally SUCK! 

     So I think it's time to find a new sponsor but there are only two EDA meetings and they are both an hour away. Grrr!!! :( I'm so angry, I could beat someone silly. Of course I'm not going to beat anyone, don't worry kids I'm not violent. ;) But anyways I thought getting this on paper or "screen" would help let out some of this anxious energy I've got going on. 

     The point of this blog is that recovery sucks, it's hard, it hurts, and you have to Work for it. But let me tell you kids, it's worth it! Don't ever forget how much worth recovery has. It's worth your life. And only by surrendering to recovery can you get your life back! Stick to it, stay strong and give Ed another blow! :D Love you guys! :D

NEDA WALK 2012 :D

      So Saturday the 13th was the National Eating Disorder Association Awareness walk. I was really looking forward to this walk. My team raised $495 only $5 short of our goal of $500. The walk was a very rewarding experience. I left feeling inspired, and hopeful. There were 3 speakers, Jennifer Duvall a high school student who is recovering and also coordinated the walk, her sponsor who has been in recovery for 8 years (holy crap, AWESOMENESS), and last but not least Miss Texas. Yes, that's right I said Miss Texas, she spoke about how eating disorder awareness was her cause and that she herself is recovered from anorexia. So as you can see there were many strong, inspirational women there. It was so good to see people getting together to support something very dear to my heart and I'm sure the hearts of many others. Here are some pics from the walk, hope you enjoy them. :D 

*My aunt and I*

*My girls from outpatient sporting our NEDA tats*

*My girls from outpatient sporting our bright shoes*

*Me and the first girl on the left who made it all possible*

 For this post I asked Jennifer Duvall to do a guest post. I'm so excited to have her on my blog. I hope you enjoy her post as much as I do. :) 

This is Jennifer, the girl who made it all possible this year! :D 

 

My whole life has been spent trying to prove people wrong. As a little

girl, the words, “Jennifer you can’t do that, you’re not old enough” were my main motivation. I purposely bought craft kits that were designed for older girls because I wanted to prove that I could do it. This little girl’s spirit was taken by a horrible disease, eating disorder not otherwise specified, during her junior year of high school. My headstrong personality became a weapon that I used to starve and hurt myself with. Luckily, after many months of treatment, I was able to use my persistence to help myself. Slowly, my reasoning became rational again, and as time grew on I learned that I did not need my eating disorder. All that ED told me was “you aren’t good enough”, and now instead of fighting the people that loved me, I began to fight the demons in my head. Three and a half months into my recovery, I was sitting in my health class (which at one point was a horrible class because I heard “healthy” everyday), and looking on NEDA’s website. I was looking at the awareness walks and realized that there were not any planned for the Houston area any time soon. Being the ambitious one that I am, I emailed CJ, the national walk manager, and he helped me get started coordinating the 2012 Houston NEDA Walk. My summer consisted of sending countless emails begging for money from treatment centers and major businesses. Unfortunately, due to the economic circumstances, not many places are looking to donate $1,000 to an organization that they have never heard of. One thing that recovery has taught me is to keep going when all I hear are no’s, a core belief that I once had. So I persisted and sent around 200 emails, which paid off in the end, securing three corporate sponsors for the walk. After months of emailing, October 13th finally rolled around. The walk was a bigger success than I could have ever imagined, we raised $9,133, but most importantly, we raised awareness of a serious illness that is overlooked by too many. Next year I will be in college (hopefully UT, fingers crossed!), so I will not be able to coordinate the 2013 walk, but I hope that somebody out there will pick up where I left off and continue the tradition until eating disorder awareness is as common as breast cancer awareness (even the NFL wears pink!). If I inspired one person by coordinating the walk, then I have achieved my goal. At the end of the day, we could have raised $500, and it would still be a success if I changed one life. Eating disorder recovery is 100% possible!

                                                                                                     Yours truly,
                                                                                                                 Jennifer

Wow! Jennifer is so inspiring! So glad to have met her and her determination to make a difference has definitely inspired me to do more. :D I hope this post inspires each and everyone of you to make a difference. Whatever your mission is, just know that with the right amount of passion and determination it is possible. :D

Ed does NOT like walks in the park...

So, today I'd like to share with you, yesterday. I touched on it a bit in my last post, but I thought today I could elaborate on how hard recovery really is. 
     At the beginning of this journey, when I was told I was going into an inpatient treatment facility, basically "rehab". I was so convinced I didn't need that level of care, everyone else thought other wise. The thing is I never really saw how bad things were until I was in treatment and realized how much of a grip had on me. 
      I'm assuming that my family and friends thought when I came home I'd be "cured" and all would be well. That's so NOT how it works. I was terrified to come home. I knew there wouldn't be as much support as there was at rehab and no one would be here to make me eat, and I'd have access to many things that were not the best in my recovery. In treatment I got to take a break from life, although I wouldn't really call rehab a break. But it was important to put everything else on hold and focus solely on my recovery. I never imagined how hard it would be and how much work I'd have to put in it. I went in with the expectations that after a month I'd come home and everything would be okay, until I actually started working on my recovery there and realized it's not an overnight cure. 
     Coming home was scarey because I knew I wasn't ready to face recovery and life at the same time. But I couldn't stay in rehab forever, nor did I want to. 
     So I thought I'd give you guys a little more insight as to how hard recovery truly is. 

     You see Ed, does not like walks in the park, actually he despises them. He hates seeing all the beauty in life and he hates focusing on the scenery and all the joy it can bring. By this I mean, he doesn't like to make it easy and he hates how I'm starting to see life as it is meant to be lived. So no recovery is not a walk in the park. With every bit of progress I make, he's right there trying to throw me back in the prison I've escaped from. Although for the most part I am able to distinguish his lies from my truth that does not convince him to leave me alone. I still have Ed screaming in my ear, but where before I had no idea it was really Ed, now I know that and it's scary how much of my mind he has consumed. 

     So here's the deal, every day I wake up, lately I've been having good days, but there is still a battle to be fought. Everyday Ed takes the opportunity to imprison me once more. Everyday I have to fight, to keep my head above water. But because of the progress I've made, I've been having a lot of good days. Well yesterday was not one of those days. Ed had made himself a little more comfy in my mind yesterday. When Ed takes up a lot of space he adds urges to act on behaviors, he adds lots of body image issues, he adds frustration and over all he makes me weak. 

     Now for those of you who don't know what "behaviors" are, they are binging, purging, restricting, over exercising, and pretty  much everything I'm trying to get away from. I was so so tired yesterday, tired of fighting. It's not a walk in the park, its not a just make yourself eat. Its so much more. Its like hiking up a slippery iced hill in a blizzard, with no light. But of course now I've got a flash light that allows me  to see where I'm going, I'm still walking around in utter darkness.  So yesterday was a bad day. It was hard for me to distinguish what Ed wanted and what I wanted. So I was having really strong urges to restrict, yesterday I was really too tired to fight, so I ate as much as I could possibly stand, but in no way was I eating as much as I should have. Next I was having really strong urges to binge and purge...I haven't done this in 2 months now. That is a REALLY long time and I'm so proud of myself and looking at this gives me hope that recovery is possible. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't binge and purge. Yesterday the urge was so strong I almost gave in. Luckily I had some support from one of the girls from TK (my treatment center). She offered me so much wisdom and was truly an answer to prayer. After talking to her I received some clarity. She told me to just take it hour by hour, to tell myself, Okay for this hour I will not act on anything, and then once that hour was up I'd tell myself the same thing. Looking at it that way I was like yeah, I can do that. So at the end of the day I did not act on that particular behavior. 

     So to all the girls struggling, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times Ed breaks through the locked door and tries to steal you away in the darkness, tell yourself, hour by hour and you CAN do this. I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember how much stronger you are than this disease! Remember that every time Ed wants to break you, you are too strong to break. Keep your head high and your goals higher. You got this! :)

Special thanks to the amazing woman who offered me support yesterday! You really made a difference, so Thank you! :)