Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Step 3...Finally!

Alrighty so I finally read step 3 again and I now know why step 3 is hard for me.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.  

      So step three is all about surrendering. To me and to most people surrendering feels like submission. I'm all about not being submissive. I don't like being told what to do and I don't like needing peoples help. I like to do things on my own. I feel that if I need to depend on people or need help that I have failed and I'm not capable of doing it on my own. So I feel like I cannot recover on my own. Like I need God's help. Okay I know I sound like a complete idiot and this does not make sense.

     I love God, I have faith and I know I need him. So why am I acting like I don't? Growing up I lived a very submissive life. This is due to the religion I grew up in. There were so many "standards" I was to follow that had to do with mostly outward appearance or what people saw or knew about you. I was always submissive...even when I didn't wanna be or even when I didn't agree with these "standards". I guess that's another reason why I'm so against being submissive.

     Also, I grew up in a family where becoming a stay at home mom and depending on a man to take care of you was what was expected. I'm so against that being expected from women. I want to have a career and make my own money. LOL

So I need to come to terms with the fact that surrendering is giving up something I have no control of in order to have control of the things I can. It's so hard for me to let go of this freaking eating disorder. I just feel like if I give it up I'm going to lose control. UGH this is so frustrating. Well anyways I'm going to do the work to step 3 and I'll post it. As always thanks for reading. :)


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