Rant & Rave #1

I called this #1 because I'm sure there will be many more.

     So today was shit!!! I woke up and worked on some stuff, time slipped away and I missed my breakfast time and so I had a late breakfast that I didn't want. After coffee and cigarettes, I'm not so hungry anymore. So anyways I made myself eat breakfast and the day went on slow and boring. I did some more art work which was fun. Oh I'll have to post pics for you guys. :D So then lunch came around, wasn't hungry again so I made myself eat and it was pretty easy to get down bc my mom was there to keep some conversation going. Then I thought I was tired, tried to take a nap and I couldn't fall asleep. Was dreadfully bored the whole day. So then things got better, because I sang of course. Did I mention that I love to sing? Well, I do. Singing takes me out of this nightmare of a world and makes me incredibly happy. So I jammed out by myself and was having a good afternoon. But then time got a way again and I forgot to make my dinner. I usually don't eat what my mom cooks because its scary. LOL Her cooking is amazing but for all my ED kids out their you will understand when I say its southern, lots of butter, and lots of grease and starches. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyways it was already 6:30 and I needed the grill to cook my food but it was being used to cook pork chops, I had offered to make dinner and that took until around 8pm so anyways by the time my fish was done it was 8:22pm way too late to eat buy I hadn't eaten since my afternoon snack and I didn't want to skip a meal. Well ed wanted me to skip tonight's dinner. My stomach was bloated and hurting so the last thing I wanted to do was eat right? So I texted my sponsor and a good friend who is on my support team for some extra support. Eventually I made myself eat and I didn't die, go figure, right? So I'm feeling fat etc....and then my sponsor finally replies after I've ate and says, "dont eat. be gentle with yourself". Very aggravated with her, I don't know why she would instruct me not to eat.??? So after eating and then getting that text of course Ed had a lot of fun with that. His words were, 
"why did you eat"
"see you didn't have to eat, you just wanted to stuff your face you fat pig"
"you're so stupid, why didn't you listen to me when I told you it was okay to skip one meal, even your sponsor agrees with me."
"Ugh your so fat, you're never going to lose weight, If only you would just listen to me"

     So of course I'm a nervous wreck and on the verge of breaking something. I've felt so crappy today and so angry. Some other things happened today that made me feel like shit, and I'm assuming that's why it was so hard to eat. I don't take critisism well and so when I get criticized even in a good way, I beat myself up. My perfectionist mind...we will call her Percy, beats me relentlessly  until I agree that I am a load of crap, good for nothing loser. UGH!!! I'm so sick of all of this. Sick of recovery, sick of fighting, sick of not being able to control my own thoughts. I HATE THIS DISEASE AND I HATE ED AND PERCY!!! They royally SUCK! 

     So I think it's time to find a new sponsor but there are only two EDA meetings and they are both an hour away. Grrr!!! :( I'm so angry, I could beat someone silly. Of course I'm not going to beat anyone, don't worry kids I'm not violent. ;) But anyways I thought getting this on paper or "screen" would help let out some of this anxious energy I've got going on. 

     The point of this blog is that recovery sucks, it's hard, it hurts, and you have to Work for it. But let me tell you kids, it's worth it! Don't ever forget how much worth recovery has. It's worth your life. And only by surrendering to recovery can you get your life back! Stick to it, stay strong and give Ed another blow! :D Love you guys! :D

NEDA WALK 2012 :D

      So Saturday the 13th was the National Eating Disorder Association Awareness walk. I was really looking forward to this walk. My team raised $495 only $5 short of our goal of $500. The walk was a very rewarding experience. I left feeling inspired, and hopeful. There were 3 speakers, Jennifer Duvall a high school student who is recovering and also coordinated the walk, her sponsor who has been in recovery for 8 years (holy crap, AWESOMENESS), and last but not least Miss Texas. Yes, that's right I said Miss Texas, she spoke about how eating disorder awareness was her cause and that she herself is recovered from anorexia. So as you can see there were many strong, inspirational women there. It was so good to see people getting together to support something very dear to my heart and I'm sure the hearts of many others. Here are some pics from the walk, hope you enjoy them. :D 

*My aunt and I*

*My girls from outpatient sporting our NEDA tats*

*My girls from outpatient sporting our bright shoes*

*Me and the first girl on the left who made it all possible*

 For this post I asked Jennifer Duvall to do a guest post. I'm so excited to have her on my blog. I hope you enjoy her post as much as I do. :) 

This is Jennifer, the girl who made it all possible this year! :D 

 

My whole life has been spent trying to prove people wrong. As a little

girl, the words, “Jennifer you can’t do that, you’re not old enough” were my main motivation. I purposely bought craft kits that were designed for older girls because I wanted to prove that I could do it. This little girl’s spirit was taken by a horrible disease, eating disorder not otherwise specified, during her junior year of high school. My headstrong personality became a weapon that I used to starve and hurt myself with. Luckily, after many months of treatment, I was able to use my persistence to help myself. Slowly, my reasoning became rational again, and as time grew on I learned that I did not need my eating disorder. All that ED told me was “you aren’t good enough”, and now instead of fighting the people that loved me, I began to fight the demons in my head. Three and a half months into my recovery, I was sitting in my health class (which at one point was a horrible class because I heard “healthy” everyday), and looking on NEDA’s website. I was looking at the awareness walks and realized that there were not any planned for the Houston area any time soon. Being the ambitious one that I am, I emailed CJ, the national walk manager, and he helped me get started coordinating the 2012 Houston NEDA Walk. My summer consisted of sending countless emails begging for money from treatment centers and major businesses. Unfortunately, due to the economic circumstances, not many places are looking to donate $1,000 to an organization that they have never heard of. One thing that recovery has taught me is to keep going when all I hear are no’s, a core belief that I once had. So I persisted and sent around 200 emails, which paid off in the end, securing three corporate sponsors for the walk. After months of emailing, October 13th finally rolled around. The walk was a bigger success than I could have ever imagined, we raised $9,133, but most importantly, we raised awareness of a serious illness that is overlooked by too many. Next year I will be in college (hopefully UT, fingers crossed!), so I will not be able to coordinate the 2013 walk, but I hope that somebody out there will pick up where I left off and continue the tradition until eating disorder awareness is as common as breast cancer awareness (even the NFL wears pink!). If I inspired one person by coordinating the walk, then I have achieved my goal. At the end of the day, we could have raised $500, and it would still be a success if I changed one life. Eating disorder recovery is 100% possible!

                                                                                                     Yours truly,
                                                                                                                 Jennifer

Wow! Jennifer is so inspiring! So glad to have met her and her determination to make a difference has definitely inspired me to do more. :D I hope this post inspires each and everyone of you to make a difference. Whatever your mission is, just know that with the right amount of passion and determination it is possible. :D