Wednesday, December 5, 2012

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

     Haha! Yesterday was my birthday ...it was pretty lame. I feel like whining. LOL Lately I've had a chip on my shoulder lately, and I know I just need to get it off. So, yeah I'm going to. Life is so beautiful and I need to start living like it is. So no more pouting. I know what I need to do to be happy and I just need to do it.

     My brother took me to the movies and that was really sweet of him. 

     So update, the not smoking thing is so not working. I have no idea how I'm going to quit. :( Bummer. It's too expensive. Now that I have to buy them myself I'm like dang I don't need to spend that much money killing myself slowly. LOL

     The not drinking thing is not going too well either. Once I finish this bottle I'll be done and won't buy anymore. Well, I say that now but, I don't know you know. Temptation is a little bit much. I feel like I'm just being stupid. I know I am. I know I'm just giving in to temptation. I feel like once I talk to my therapist about it she will give me good advice. She's so awesome, she always gives me so much advice and really helps me. So I can't wait to see her again.

     So, let's see what else? Um, I'm really liking my job, it's a lot of pressure, but it's worth it. I am definitely going to work really hard because I know I can move up. I do work really hard. It's hard...because I get graded on the appointments I set and... I haven't been able to get appointments. I literally spend all day on the phone calling people trying to get them to come in. I mostly get voice mails. It sucks. So my boss said we are going to have to start going out to the public and get memberships that way. At first I was like oh yeah I can do that, but now I'm like oh crap this is going to be hard. Like how do you go up to someone while they are shopping and be like "Hi, do you want to sign up at the gym?"? So yeah I'm a bit nervous, but I know I will be great because I have a great personality and I'm not afraid to talk to people. So yeah, it will be interesting. I don't understand why we just don't run a special...if we did that we would get a ton of people. So, I'm going to talk to my boss and suggest some ideas. We will see how that goes.

     I feel like people are now thinking well you can eat now so you just need to get over it. Ha! If that was the case then...I would be perfectly fine. So anyways, I still have ED thoughts constantly and I feel lost. So...yeah. It's not like I am just being stupid and I just need to get over it. It's dumb for people to think or suggest that. Yes, I know there are some things I can control and I need to make better choices, but as far as the whole recovery thing...it's not like just because I can eat now everything is okay and I'm better. I still have trouble eating certain things, I still fight wanting to starve or purge. I still feel like I don't want to let it go because if I do that means I'll be fat the rest of my life. I don't know I just can't get over that. I'm terrified that If I'm not afraid of food then I'll just be fat. I know I've lost weight and inches and I do look a lot better, but its hard for me to really see that because I feel the same. There are still days I want to hide from the world because I feel disgusting. It's hard. Every time I work out I do just enough and I always feel like I should have done more. My dietician said I should only do an hour a day. I don't think that's enough, but I have been following her advice.

     I'm feeling better today, not as depressed so I'm hoping that I will be a lot better soon. Now that the lights on my car work I have the freedom to do whatever I want and it is amazing. :D I can't wait. Well I think that's all I have for today. Thanks for reading.

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