Group therapy is very important to my recovery personally. It's really great, I have group therapy lead by my therapist at my outpatient treatment and I have regular sessions with my therapist one on one. Every time I leave group I leave with new knowledge about myself and recovery in general. Today I told the group how I had relapsed and I learned a lot of things.
I believed I was losing control and so, I was more willing to practice my eating disorder behaviors. I am a very self critical person and a perfectionist. These are two things that will not work in my recovery. I need to be willing to make mistakes and accept them at face value, it was a mistake okay it's done now what can I do to get back on track. Instead of the OMG I made a mistake, I'm a failure, I'm not strong enough, I suck at life, OMG Why? why? Why? My therapist told me to stop asking why, it does not matter, what matters is that I move on. If I focus too much on why I made the mistake it's going to keep me stuck. Instead of asking myself why and looking for an answer I need to just let myself be curious. There is not always an answer for everything.
I'm a control freak...this is one of the main reasons I developed an eating disorder. I need to have control of something so why not control my food? In life when I feel I have no control over things I immediately act on behaviors to get a sense of control in my life. Instead of trying to control everything I need to take everything as it comes, do what I can do and not worry about the rest. I tend to stress myself out, by my own expectations of how things need to be done. This is from my perfectionist side. I don't allow myself to screw up, but in life people will screw up, it's just a part of life. I have to train myself to allow screw ups, learn from then and move on. I tend to beat myself up relentlessly, until I believe I am no good.
All along I thought one day I'll be recovered and I wont need therapy etc anymore. Well today my therapist and group helped me realized, I'll never not have an eating disorder, I'll never not be "in recovery", it will get a lot easier with time, but I'll always have an eating disorder that I will need to stay healthy and keep myself from acting on the behaviors. Some people do get rid of the symptoms and urges, but others do not. I don't know what the cards hold for me, but this was a very hard truth for me to come to. I'm so sick of dealing with this every single day at every meal. I just want to be "normal" whatever that is. I don't want to have these feelings and struggles anymore and I thought one day it would all go away. I sat and cried as they explained. I guess I had myself fooled. Imagine being told you were going to have a disease the rest of your life, well that's how I feel. I guess like a diabetic will always have to watch what they eat and take meds. I'll have to keep going to therapy, and keep a healthy mind. I'm sure one day it will be a lot easier, but the fact is that certain life's struggles could bring about a relapse so I have to be on my A game to prevent that from happening. So anyways that was a really hard truth, but I'm just going to accept it and move forward in my recovery.
I feel like I've just been rambling, but I hope you get something out of this post. Thanks to all my readers. Have a blessed night! :D
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Relapse....
RELAPSE....
What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up
So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged.
I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.
What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...
Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience.
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging.
Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life.
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D
What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up
So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged.
I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.
What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...
Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience.
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging.
Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life.
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
*The Challenge*
Hi guys,
I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
Holly :)
I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
Holly :)
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