Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Well I don't know why but, this is a complicated step. I know God and I trust him so why is it so hard for me to just hand over my burdens to him and surrender to his will. I trust that he will take care of me and provide me with what I need. So why is it so hard for me to just let go.
So while reading step three I realized a ton of things.
1) I'm a control freak. (kinda already knew that)
2) I am scared to let things go.
3) Something is holding me back and I'm not sure what it is.
4) I want to be able to do things on my own without God, I don't know why but, I feel like I don't need or shouldn't need help.
So I'm going to blabber about each of these realizations and see if I can come to more of an understanding of what's beneath them all.
So 1. I like, I need to be in control. Growing up after years of disappointment I learned that I could not trust people.I tried so many times to trust that people would take care of me and they never did. I was hurt very badly by many people. These people were the ones that were supposed to take care of me and protect me from getting hurt. I was young and needed people to protect me, guide me, care for my well being, and lead me to great things. I grew up not really having those people. I learned at a young age that if I wanted something I'd have to earn it all by myself, do it all by myself. I didn't have people who believed in me. I didn't have people who supported my dreams and aspirations. I didn't have people that would realize what I needed and give it to me. I tried so many times to voice my needs as a child and these needs were always minimized by "more" important things. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to need things. I was made guilty for needing things. So of course growing up I had to learn to take care of myself for no one else would do it for me. As I grew older I tried more to get help from people only to be let down a many of times. This hurt, it hurt really bad and I still have some resentment. So I finally realized I needed to take care of myself and that only I could control the outcome of my life. I learned that I needed to control my feelings because I was not allowed to feel things. I was made to believe that I should just "get over it". That my feelings were not important. That the things I cared about and worried about were not important or valid worries, that I should just accept the bad and get over it. So because of all of that I grew up trying my best to control my life and my feelings. I felt I needed to be strong, to be resistant to feelings, I felt as if feeling things was me being over dramatic, a victim, a complainer. I just needed to get over hurt, pain, sadness, let downs, and just be strong and keep going. I also started to control everything and if I didn't control things then everything would fall apart. I had to be in control. This brought on more stress, pressure, and fear. So yes, I feel like I need to be in control. I've realized that there are only so many things I can control and that life happens and I cannot expect myself to control my feelings. I've learned that I am allowed to feel, to express my feelings and if no one else sees them as valid I know they are and I won't hide them anymore. So the end result, I'm afraid to let go of my control for fear of my life becoming unmanageable but the truth is my life had become unmanageable because of my need to control everything.
2. I am scared to let things go. You can see from the above that my fear is that if I let go who will be in control? How will things go well if I'm not in control. How can I trust that my life with turn out right if I let go. How can I let go and expect good things to happen. Then the question is, what am I holding on to? I'm holding on to resentment, I'm holding on to the need to be perfect, I'm holding on to the need to succeed, I'm holding on to the belief that if I'm in control then nothing will go wrong. Why do I feel that way? If I've "been in control" all this time and bad things have happened then why do I feel I still need to be in control. I think I'm scared because I'm not exactly sure what I need to let go of. I need to have that balance of making choices for my life yet not trying to control the things I cannot change.
3. Something is holding me back. What is it? When I go to church I know all I need to do is to surrender to God and my burdens will be lifted. So what's keeping me from surrendering? I think I'm afraid to truly let go of my eating disorder because after 5 years of having it, how will I live without it? Who am I apart from my eating disorder? I just can't imagine life without it and it's scary to let go of the only thing you can "control", the only thing that you used to think "kept you sane". From the previous steps I admitted I was not in control and that I was insane while in my eating disorder. So....what the heck am I talking about? Ugh, I'm so lost.
4. What the heck is wrong with me. I grew up with tremendous faith in God, I grew up believing that I needed God in order to live a happy life. I grew up trusting God to take care of me because he in fact did care for me and promised to take care of me. I surrendered my life over to God at a very young age and believed that everything would be okay because God would take care of me and help me in my time of trouble. So....what happened? Maybe I lost my faith because while I had a tremendous relationship with God, that's when I developed my eating disorder. Maybe I lost my faith in God when life turned to turmoil. Maybe I lost my faith in God because I saw a dear friend die from cancer after truly believing and trusting God to save him. Losing faith in God goes against everything I believe. So, what the heck is wrong with me? This is not me, I do believe in God, I do believe that his will is greater than my own, so why am I holding back from surrendering to his will? I don't like this. I want to trust again. I feel like I am committing a sin for lack of trust in God. I literally feel lost. I can feel God's presence when I am in church, I know it was God that saved me while in treatment. I know God has been with me throughout my recovery, so what's the deal?
So that's it. Everything is a bit more clear. I am still afraid to let go. I am still afraid to hand my life over to God. I am still unsure of letting go of control. So does this mean I cannot continue step 3, if so when and how will I do this? I know I need to feel it in my heart and truly surrender, so what do I do from here. The first thing I'm going to do is to pray. I'm going to tell God how I feel and ask for his guidance. I'm going to ask God to restore my faith and help me to surrender and from there I will complete step 3. So that's all for now.
