Relapse....

RELAPSE....
       What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up

So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged. 

     I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.

What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...

     Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience. 
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges 
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging. 

Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life. 
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D