I'm done with IOP so now it's just work and normal life. It's weird. I'm doing good I've got 88 days clean and sober and I'm pretty happy. I still have cravings or obsessive thoughts, but I just remind myself that drugs and alcohol cannot be apart of my life anymore. Things are finally starting to look up. I'm working and getting my life back together. I stay really involved in going to meetings and I try to keep in touch with others that are recovering. I feel like they are the only people that understand me.
My "insides" are changing. I know now that my purpose in life is to help other people. I feel so strong and proud of myself for staying clean and sober. I'm really trying to change. I'm on step 8 of the 12 steps. Step 8 is hard. Well most of the steps are hard, but I have an amazing sponsor so I get through them. I can't wait to be able to sponsor girls, I know that is going to help me so much. I know now that God wanted me to go through all this because now I can help others. I want God's will to rule my life. I pray often...I need to pray more. But I can honestly say that I am trying my best to live a Godly life. The other day was really hard and I just prayed and it worked. I'd rather pray and get relief than use substances to give me temporary relief.
I'm struggling with ED again and I'm scared shitless. Fear is a constant in my life and I need to pray for God to take that away. I've been working on following my meal plan but it's really hard. I'm having frequent ED thoughts and it's exhausting. I want so much to be a normal person and just have normal problems. I need to accept the fact that, that will never be and I'll always have to work 10 times harder than other people. I feel gross and ugly and want to hide from the world. The old thoughts of "if only I was thin" are becoming more frequent. It's all about action in fighting this disease and it's hard. I've been praying for the motivation and willingness to change and I feel like it's working because yesterday I was able to get up and go to the gym. I really want to change my whole life. I want to change everything about myself. I know now that with God it is possible.
I am planning on starting and EDA meeting, I just have to find a place to have it. I have met some wonderful ladies through AA that have ED struggles as well and they want to be apart of it. I see God working through me more and more everyday and it feels nice. I just have to remain grateful for what I do have instead of focusing on all the bad. Well I'm at a loss of words right now so I will end with this. I receive daily "thoughts" from this website called mentor connect and today it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm going through this exact thing.
Ed will always be trying to convince us to play with sparks.
He knows that a big fire can start with just a single tiny spark.
So
he might whisper that it is okay to disobey our meal plan just this
once for this very good reason, or refuse to take rest just this once
but only because of that very good reason....
It is not okay.
"Just this once" could be the single spark that turns into the raging uncontrollable forest fire.
We must remember that fire is dangerous, to be respected and avoided at all costs.
If we don't want fire, we must refuse to allow Ed to convince us to play with sparks.
Thanks for reading. :)
