~Dedicated to Meg~

I'd like to take this time to thank my friend and my biggest supporter, Meg. :D 

     Meg's birthday was on Monday!! Happy Birthday Meg! I thought what a great time to honor her. 

     I met Meg 2 years ago when she moved from Indiana to Texas. She is my uncles cousin. She moved down here for a job. We became friends and slowly we became really good friends. I never knew how good of friends we were until the night I tried to take my life. She was living in Kingswood at the time which is 45 minutes from me. She drove all the way to the hospital to see me at like 11:30 at night even though she had to work the next day. Ever since then she has been such an amazing friend and one of my greatest supporters in my recovery. While I was in treatment she wrote me letters, cards, and even sent me little gifts. When I came home she was here for me 100%. She took the time to learn about my eating disorder and became very educated on it. She has read all my post since day one. I was so shocked that she wanted to learn more and actually did. She even took the time to do some research on her own. 

      I have no idea how, but she always knows the right things to say. No one outside of my therapist, dietician, and the people who have eating disorders themselves understand. Someway, somehow, she understands. I know that God has put her in my life for a reason. I cannot even express how much she has done for me. She has been there for me so much and is always there.She has seen me at my worst, she's dealt with me sobbing and still when I am the hugest mess, she still always knows what to say. I have no idea how. I just know that God has given her the wisdom to help me. I will forever be grateful to her. She is such an amazing person. I love her dearly. I will always be grateful to her. She not only is a great supporter and friend she is also a very talented photographer. Take some time to check out her work at http://www.megsloan.com/.

Meg, thank you. You are so awesome! I love you dearly and I just thank you so much for being such an awesome friend! :D

*screaming in my pillow to drowned out the noise*

Oh man, I'm so angry. What happened? Where did all this come from? Who am I?

I feel so lost. Thanksgiving sucked! I was all ready to conquer the day and feeling pretty confident about it. I was excited to spend the day with my family. Then last minute I find out my uncles parents are coming, my uncles mom is anorexic/bulimic. So I immediately kinda just fell apart. No one understands and they never will. I guess that's why I feel so alone lately. I just freaked out and it really ruined everything. I finally went downstairs to conquer the trigger and eat my meal as planned, but as soon as I got a plate and tried to fix it I dropped it and ran out the door and started sobbing. My sister came out and helped me. She was so sweet and supportive. So long story short, I ate and I was fine. Friday I left work early because I was not feeling well and honestly I just didn't want to be there. Friday night I got wasted with some friends and called in to work on Saturday. My whole weekend was a big blur I pretty much slept all weekend. I went to work yesterday from 10:30 to 4pm and it was so awful, all I did was make phone calls all day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to stick with this job, honestly all I do is make phone calls and no one ever answers. I work 12-9 today and it's going to suck, I'm not looking forward to making phone calls for eight freaking hours.

Anyways, I feel really lost lately, and alone. I really just don't know who I am. Life is so blah, I feel trapped. I don't have IOP anymore and I need to find a therapist and dietician and yet at the same time I'm sick of recovery, I just want to go on with life. I know that's not going to happen. I know I need to stay in "recovery mode". I know I need to make recovery my first priority and everything else second. I just feel weird. Eating has become really easy and I'm afraid of just being fat. I mean I don't overeat, I portion my meals, I eat just enough and I'm done, so why am I terrified of losing control if I've shown so much control? I just feel like I need to restrict (not eat) for a few days to get some control back. Maybe I feel my life is out of control. IDK I just want a normal life. I feel like right now everything is in the process of getting back in order and I just need to wait through it all. IDK again I just don't know. I'm extremely angry, I feel like It's time to let go of ED all the way, but something is holding me back. What is it? Why am I clinging to the last bits of ED and not letting go. Why do I feel like I'm losing a piece of me. Why does my life feel so empty without ED? Life is just so blah, I feel sad and really lonely and I don't know why? I feel kind of numb and just like so miserable. I don't know what's really going on, but today I will find out. I'm going to finish step three and start looking for a therapist. I am going to get back into "recovery mode" and keep going. I can't let my passions die. I have to fulfill them or I'll lose sight of all that's good in this life. I want the good in my life.

Sorry for all the randomness I just needed to vent and write all my feelings on paper. I do feel so much better. :) Take care my lovelies.