So...breakthrough....I think. :/
So last night I agreed to babysit last night. The thing is I had babysat for this family before and there is liquor in the apartment. I agreed and Idk why. I knew it was a bad idea. I was setting myself up for failure. I had a lot of thoughts. They preceeded as followed.
1-crap this is a bad idea
2-screw it I'm going to drink
3-no, no, no, I need to stay sober, I can do this.
So I went to my 7pm meeting and I asked her to hide the liquor and she did. She trusted me. It felt good to be trusted. Anyways. I was a nervous wreck. I had so much anxiety. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was in an apartment with liquor hidden somewhere and I couldn't drink it. :/ I was on the phone constantly with my sober contacts. At the end of the night I didn't drink. I'm so proud of myself, but the rest of the night was awful. My cravings were insane and I couldn't stop thinking about using. It sucked. :( Any ways I'm awake and my brain is going crazy. I feel sick I don't know why. My anxiety is like a 10 and I just woke up. UGH! Anyways so mile stone for me yay!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
uh.....hi
Hey guys,
So this is probably going to be the most random pity party, rambling, blog post ever.
So you are probably all wondering why I haven't posted in ages. Well...lots has happened. I just got out of rehab for drugs and alcohol. Yay, another rehab. UGH! So what happened? I got home from TK and things were going good. I got a great job, got better and then boom, I started drinking, then I started using drugs. It all happened so fast. One minute I was binge drinking on the weekend and the next I was drinking every single day. I started dating guys that drank and used drugs and I'd spend every night with them drinking and drugging until I blacked out. I'd go to work the next day and then do it all over again. I know now that I started drinking to replace my eating disorder. I was so unhappy for some reason and drinking and drugging was my temporary happiness. Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to function without it. I stopped taking all my medications and went into a state of mania. I have bipolar disorder so that happens sometimes, especially if I'm not on my meds. If you don't know what mania is...google it.
So...I turned into psycho chick again. I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I could use again. It ruled my life. Well, I did care about my job and that sent me over the edge. Like always, I'm a competitive, perfectionist and I needed to be the best. I'm also a workaholic. Work was extremely stressful and we were in competition. I worked my butt off and drove myself insane. I used every night until I blacked out and then went to work the next day. It was the only thing that brought me happiness. Then it got to the point to where I let my self pity take control and kinda gave up.
One night when I was with one of the guys I was dating we were smoking and drinking and he asked, "Do you wanna try some other stuff?" I replied YES!! And that scared me. I realized then I should probably get some help. If not, who knows what I'd be doing. So I talked with my therapist and decided I couldn't stop on my own and off to rehab I went.
I spent 29 days in rehab and then got kicked out for not going to all my groups throughout the day. Now I'm home and going to like 3 AA or NA meetings a day. I'm looking for a day program and trying to find a sponsor. This lady that was going to be my sponsor told me she couldn't work with me because she thought I "wasn't done using". I don't know why she thinks that. I do want to be sober and clean. It's really hard.
I'm so miserable. I don't want to live. I hate life. I hate waking up. I don't care about anything. I have no desire to live. The only thing that is keeping me from offing myself is my family. I've already caused them so much pain I can't do that to them. Although I feel like everyone's life would be better without me. Well, the other thing that is keeping me from dying is the fact that I was raised to believe if you commit suicide you go straight to hell. I wish I didn't believe that.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm just a lost soul. All I want to do is use to take these feelings away. And of course when I tell the doctors this they just give me more medication because it's "my disorders" causing all this. I don't know whether that's true or not. Sure it'd be nice to believe that, It's not my fault, my brain is just not working right. But I feel like it's my fault. I know I'm just too lazy to try anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to die. Sometimes I pray that God would just let me die.
Everyone is just so sick of me and my "issues". Today I am going to be productive though. I'm going to clean my room and help out around the house and read the big book. I have to start trying. If I'm not trying I might as well be dead and sense I'm not going to kill myself I should at least try.
I miss the days when I had dreams and hopes. I miss the days when I was innocent and happy. I miss the rush of accomplishment. Now there is nothing. I can't wait to see my therapist, she always understands me and has the best advice. Im still having trouble believing in God and giving him all this. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so stupid. I know he can take all this away but I refuse to give it to him.
So this is life now. I don't really know if you can call this life. I feel like I'm in a temporary hell. Ok so that's what is going on. Until next time....
So this is probably going to be the most random pity party, rambling, blog post ever.
So you are probably all wondering why I haven't posted in ages. Well...lots has happened. I just got out of rehab for drugs and alcohol. Yay, another rehab. UGH! So what happened? I got home from TK and things were going good. I got a great job, got better and then boom, I started drinking, then I started using drugs. It all happened so fast. One minute I was binge drinking on the weekend and the next I was drinking every single day. I started dating guys that drank and used drugs and I'd spend every night with them drinking and drugging until I blacked out. I'd go to work the next day and then do it all over again. I know now that I started drinking to replace my eating disorder. I was so unhappy for some reason and drinking and drugging was my temporary happiness. Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to function without it. I stopped taking all my medications and went into a state of mania. I have bipolar disorder so that happens sometimes, especially if I'm not on my meds. If you don't know what mania is...google it.
So...I turned into psycho chick again. I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I could use again. It ruled my life. Well, I did care about my job and that sent me over the edge. Like always, I'm a competitive, perfectionist and I needed to be the best. I'm also a workaholic. Work was extremely stressful and we were in competition. I worked my butt off and drove myself insane. I used every night until I blacked out and then went to work the next day. It was the only thing that brought me happiness. Then it got to the point to where I let my self pity take control and kinda gave up.
One night when I was with one of the guys I was dating we were smoking and drinking and he asked, "Do you wanna try some other stuff?" I replied YES!! And that scared me. I realized then I should probably get some help. If not, who knows what I'd be doing. So I talked with my therapist and decided I couldn't stop on my own and off to rehab I went.
I spent 29 days in rehab and then got kicked out for not going to all my groups throughout the day. Now I'm home and going to like 3 AA or NA meetings a day. I'm looking for a day program and trying to find a sponsor. This lady that was going to be my sponsor told me she couldn't work with me because she thought I "wasn't done using". I don't know why she thinks that. I do want to be sober and clean. It's really hard.
I'm so miserable. I don't want to live. I hate life. I hate waking up. I don't care about anything. I have no desire to live. The only thing that is keeping me from offing myself is my family. I've already caused them so much pain I can't do that to them. Although I feel like everyone's life would be better without me. Well, the other thing that is keeping me from dying is the fact that I was raised to believe if you commit suicide you go straight to hell. I wish I didn't believe that.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm just a lost soul. All I want to do is use to take these feelings away. And of course when I tell the doctors this they just give me more medication because it's "my disorders" causing all this. I don't know whether that's true or not. Sure it'd be nice to believe that, It's not my fault, my brain is just not working right. But I feel like it's my fault. I know I'm just too lazy to try anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to die. Sometimes I pray that God would just let me die.
Everyone is just so sick of me and my "issues". Today I am going to be productive though. I'm going to clean my room and help out around the house and read the big book. I have to start trying. If I'm not trying I might as well be dead and sense I'm not going to kill myself I should at least try.
I miss the days when I had dreams and hopes. I miss the days when I was innocent and happy. I miss the rush of accomplishment. Now there is nothing. I can't wait to see my therapist, she always understands me and has the best advice. Im still having trouble believing in God and giving him all this. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so stupid. I know he can take all this away but I refuse to give it to him.
So this is life now. I don't really know if you can call this life. I feel like I'm in a temporary hell. Ok so that's what is going on. Until next time....
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