Post from the porch

Hi guys,
Every morning I wake up make my coffee and go to the porch to smoke. It's my favorite time of day. It's my quiet time plus the morning cigarette is always the best. Ugh I can't believe I smoke. Idk how I'm going to quit. Anyways. This morning I woke up and thought you know I don't like the person I have been the past few weeks. I don't want to be that girl. No ambition, just going through the motions without a purpose. When I first came home from treatment I liked that girl, I had a purpose,I had plans. . I want to be that girl again. So today I start to be that person. I'm going to read step 3 again and get ready to meet my sponsor and I'm going to pray. I'm going to get back on track and work on the things that are going to make me a better person.

I'm going to invest more time in my blog. I'm going to get my priorities in order and be the person I want to be. Part of recovering is learning your values and that's what helps you to recover by living by your values. The past two or three weeks I have not been doing that so of course I've been off track. I realize that most people my age, like to party and that's how they live life, well as fun as that can be it's not the lifestyle I want to live. It's just not me. It goes against all my values. So, I'm not your typical 23 year old well I don't care. I'm going to start spending more time with the people who will bring me up, not down. I recently made friends with a few people and although they are lovely people they are not the kind of people I need to be hanging out with. They live to party and that's just not my lifestyle. I have a purpose and it's time I start acting like it.

     I know my family is ashamed of me and I have embarrassed them as well as hurt them and I need to apologize. :/ I hate this, but I know it's the right thing to do. So I'm going to apologize to my parents. This is not going to be easy because I hate being wrong and admitting so, but I owe them that.

     The other night when I went out with my friends and got wasted I ended up letting some random guy take me home. I couldn't drive for obvious reasons, but instead of letting my friends take me home I decided this other guy could. He was with the people I was hanging out with, but still I barely knew him. This was such a stupid decision. I could have been raped or worse. Luckily, nothing happened and I got home safely. I now regret the stupid decisions I made and I am very ashamed. All I can do is change now and learn from my mistakes. I know what I need to be doing and it's time I do so.
     I have a car and a job so I have no excuses to not go to meetings. I am going to meet with my sponsor Sunday night. I am also going to plan to go to AA one night next week. The reason being drunk is fun is I don't have to worry about anything, all my problems go out the door and I can just be stupid. Well, I know if I keep it up I'll be on my way to alcoholism and the fact that I can't resist temptation is a sign that I need to go to AA. No I'm not a full on alcoholic, but why not be preventive by going to AA? So that's the plan.

     To all my readers I apologize for being a bad influence and going against my values in turn making myself look like a fool and not being a good influence. I'm not sure what else to say, but today I'm starting over. I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but today is the day for real.
     As far as eating disorder behaviors go I have been all over the place. Since the last time I binged and purged, I haven't since. I have been focused on weight and food though and I know I shouldn't focus on those things. I just need to eat healthy and workout in moderation. I still long for that perfect body, but I know in the long run it's not going to make me happy and solve all my problems. So anyways that's today and I am excited to start fresh, again.

     Tonight I am going out to dinner with some family and friends and I can't wait. It will be so fun. I hope to have some recovery stories soon and more good news. Thank you to all my readers. :)
May God bless you all <3

Can I be any more stupid?

     Well I got invited to go out for a friend of mines birthday and my birthday as well, last night and I went. I knew I was going to drink. It was a ton of fun...we went to two different bars and I met a ton of new people and honestly being drunk is so fun. So anyways...I came home and puked my guts up and my dad was very angry with me. He was yelling at me and all I remember is him saying I was out of his life. Not sure....how true that is. So yeah, I screwed up again. I really have no feelings about it. I don't regret it I just feel bad putting my parents through it. So yeah, I mean i really don't think it's a big deal. I just feel bad I hurt my parents. They have done so much for me, I should respect them more. :/ I guess I have a lot of resintment lately torwards them. I don't know. I'm at my grandmas house tonight and I'll go from here to work tomorrow. I guess I might see my dad tomorrow, kinda worried about how that is going to go. I can't wait to see my therapist I miss her and It will be so nice to talk to someone who understands. I hate being surrounded by people who are so clueless. I mean they try to understand, but it's just so nice to talk to people that really understand. I think that's why I've been so lonely lately. I just feel so alone and there is no one to talk to that understands. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I don't know maybe it's that chip on my shoulder again. Oh well.  Anyways...I guess that's all I have for now. :/

Love you guys for reading. :)

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

     Haha! Yesterday was my birthday ...it was pretty lame. I feel like whining. LOL Lately I've had a chip on my shoulder lately, and I know I just need to get it off. So, yeah I'm going to. Life is so beautiful and I need to start living like it is. So no more pouting. I know what I need to do to be happy and I just need to do it.

     My brother took me to the movies and that was really sweet of him. 

     So update, the not smoking thing is so not working. I have no idea how I'm going to quit. :( Bummer. It's too expensive. Now that I have to buy them myself I'm like dang I don't need to spend that much money killing myself slowly. LOL

     The not drinking thing is not going too well either. Once I finish this bottle I'll be done and won't buy anymore. Well, I say that now but, I don't know you know. Temptation is a little bit much. I feel like I'm just being stupid. I know I am. I know I'm just giving in to temptation. I feel like once I talk to my therapist about it she will give me good advice. She's so awesome, she always gives me so much advice and really helps me. So I can't wait to see her again.

     So, let's see what else? Um, I'm really liking my job, it's a lot of pressure, but it's worth it. I am definitely going to work really hard because I know I can move up. I do work really hard. It's hard...because I get graded on the appointments I set and... I haven't been able to get appointments. I literally spend all day on the phone calling people trying to get them to come in. I mostly get voice mails. It sucks. So my boss said we are going to have to start going out to the public and get memberships that way. At first I was like oh yeah I can do that, but now I'm like oh crap this is going to be hard. Like how do you go up to someone while they are shopping and be like "Hi, do you want to sign up at the gym?"? So yeah I'm a bit nervous, but I know I will be great because I have a great personality and I'm not afraid to talk to people. So yeah, it will be interesting. I don't understand why we just don't run a special...if we did that we would get a ton of people. So, I'm going to talk to my boss and suggest some ideas. We will see how that goes.

     I feel like people are now thinking well you can eat now so you just need to get over it. Ha! If that was the case then...I would be perfectly fine. So anyways, I still have ED thoughts constantly and I feel lost. So...yeah. It's not like I am just being stupid and I just need to get over it. It's dumb for people to think or suggest that. Yes, I know there are some things I can control and I need to make better choices, but as far as the whole recovery thing...it's not like just because I can eat now everything is okay and I'm better. I still have trouble eating certain things, I still fight wanting to starve or purge. I still feel like I don't want to let it go because if I do that means I'll be fat the rest of my life. I don't know I just can't get over that. I'm terrified that If I'm not afraid of food then I'll just be fat. I know I've lost weight and inches and I do look a lot better, but its hard for me to really see that because I feel the same. There are still days I want to hide from the world because I feel disgusting. It's hard. Every time I work out I do just enough and I always feel like I should have done more. My dietician said I should only do an hour a day. I don't think that's enough, but I have been following her advice.

     I'm feeling better today, not as depressed so I'm hoping that I will be a lot better soon. Now that the lights on my car work I have the freedom to do whatever I want and it is amazing. :D I can't wait. Well I think that's all I have for today. Thanks for reading.

oy

     So Okay I know I haven't been posting a lot and that's because I've kinda been out of it. Life has been kinda weird lately. I just don't feel right. I go to work and come home and sleep. That's all I do. I'm lonely and sad. I feel trapped. I don't enjoy anything and I know I'm depressed. So, yeah I haven't been taking my medications regularly. I know that has something to do with it. I hate I have to rely on medications to stabilize my mood. It makes me feel legit crazy. Last Friday night the 23rd I got wasted at a friends house with some other friends. Ever since that night things have been off. I've been drinking all week. I even went out and bought liquor. Idk what is wrong with me and why I'm making stupid choices. I know I shouldn't drink so why am I? I don't know. It doesn't even make me feel good anymore. It just makes me feel sick. So yeah on top of that I've been sick every day for the past week and a half. I don't know if it's been a stomach bug or what. Also I haven't been smoking as much as I used to because for some reason it just doesn't feel good anymore and it also makes me feel sick. Maybe this is God's way of making me quit. Well God, it's working. I'm ready to quit. I'm all out of cigarettes and my mom won't buy me any so...I'll be quitting. This will be the first day I don't smoke in I can't remember so I'm pretty nervous. 

 I don't know why, but I've been really hungry the past like four days. I hate it because I used to never be hungry. It's like ever since I've started working I like to eat. I hate it. I don't want to like food. It's awful. I even have had fast food twice. I did feel a little guilty, but it wasn't that bad. I just shrugged it off. I haven't seen my therapist or dietician now in 3 weeks. It really sucks, I really need to see them. I called my insurance and they have agreed to do a single case agreement for me to see my therapist so now I'm just waiting for my therapist to negotiate with them and see if it is a for sure deal. Last night I binged and purged twice, back to back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know why I did it. I don't want to live without ED, I'm terrified now that I'm not afraid to eat that I will just be a huge fat ass the rest of my life. ED still has his grip on me and last night I gave in to his temptation. It was a really weird experience. Still I can't believe I used to do that everyday. It felt kinda relieving but more weird than anything. Some things at work have triggered me a lot and I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. I was feeling good about my body earlier this week. Just Thursday I went to work out and I wore a tank top...this has never been done. I felt confident. Then for some reason, Friday I just started feeling huge and disgusting. I can't shake it. I hate wearing clothes I just want to hide in my room all day. 

Today I am going to start taking my medications regularly and I'm going to follow my meal plan to a T. I'm getting back on track. I also am stuck on step 3 of the 12 steps I just can't get myself to surrender. I don't know why. It sucks I really want to move on with the steps. I'm trapped. I hate this feeling I wish it would go away. Well I'm going to start reading more ED literature this week and do some mindfulness and prayer. I've got to get back on track or I know I'll end up puking my guts up every day. I don't want that, I really don't. So here's to getting back on the right track.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.