*The Challenge*

     Hi guys,
  I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
     So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
     I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
     Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
                                                                  Holly :)