I'm back...

Hey Guys, 

 

     So it looks like I have not posted since June. Well, here's the scoop. I relapsed in July over the guy I was talking about...I mean that was not the whole reason but it had a lot to do with it. I got right back in the program and collected 22 days clean and then I went out again. :( That time it was not pretty. Things got scary. I ended up doing things I'd never done before. I had reached a really low place. I want to share the story with you because I want you to see that no matter how bad things get you can always come out stronger and better. 

I came home one morning after being gone all night, still very high. I walked in and my mom was packing my room, they had not known I'd relapsed again, but while my mom was packing my room she found bottles. So she was fed up and done and I completely understood. I just told her that I would go and it was fine. At the time my sister was holding on to my money for me and I waited for her to get home on her lunch break and told her I needed my money, long story short we got into a fight, things got physical. I remember being numb...I was crying but couldn't feel much. I remember standing in the hallway screaming at my mom that I wasn't done and I didn't want to stop. I told her to just let me go live in my car. At the time I was hopeless and I was sick of trying and I just wanted to use until things got too bad then I would stop. So long story short I was admitted back into rehab that day because my parents were terrified to let me go but they didn't want me at home. Understandable. 

I was still high and just kinda going through the motions. I didn't want rehab. I was in detox and I was so hopeless. I remember praying one day, "God I don't know what to do anymore, please help me." Then I heard, "let go". That frustrated me but relieved me that he was still there. I was really scared. I knew what was waiting for me if I continued to use and it was not happy ever after. I stayed in my room most of the time and didn't talk to anyone. My sponsor came to see me and I cried and cried and told her how scared I was. Day 7 came and my counselor said that insurance was not going to cover anymore and I had to go, but my parents are not letting me come home. So I was looking at women's shelters because I didn't know where I was going to go. 

My counselor and I went to talk to my Doctor and explained my situation. He said that he knew a man that was independently wealthy and would donate money to me so that I could go live in an oxford house. ( that's like sober living) I burst into tears. I remember thinking this guy barely knows me and he's just gonna give me a check? 

That afternoon my counselor handed me a check in my name. Mind you I am an addict, leaving rehab with a check in my name. But It was a sign from God to me. He didn't want me to continue on this route and he made a way out of no way. That was a Friday. That weekend I stayed with a family whose husband is in the program. I had my interview for an oxford house near my family and was accepted Sunday. I decided to give this a try and take every suggestion given to me. I have now been clean for 5 months Jan 1st. I love living in the Oxford house, its like I have a second family. I have finished my 12 steps and am now able to sponsor. 

Life is not always easy but its wonderful today. I have an amazing relationship with God and he has helped me time and time again. It's still a lot of work but it is all worth it. I;m so grateful today. I've changed so much in the past 5 months. Its awesome. This program is not just about keeping you sober, it changes your whole attitude and outlook on life. I'm very happy today and I will continue to work at this and give back. I'm very happy to say that I'm finally doing this. I will post more stories of things that have happened throughout these past 5 months. But I'll end here for today. 

As always Thanks for reading, 

         Child of God 

Don't play with sparks

So it's been awhile I feel since I've blogged. I need to do it more often. I've just been really busy.

I'm done with IOP so now it's just work and normal life. It's weird. I'm doing good I've got 88 days clean and sober and I'm pretty happy. I still have cravings or obsessive thoughts, but I just remind myself that drugs and alcohol cannot be apart of my life anymore. Things are finally starting to look up. I'm working and getting my life back together. I stay really involved in going to meetings and I try to keep in touch with others that are recovering. I feel like they are the only people that understand me.

My "insides" are changing. I know now that my purpose in life is to help other people. I feel so strong and proud of myself for staying clean and sober. I'm really trying to change. I'm on step 8 of the 12 steps. Step 8 is hard. Well most of the steps are hard, but I have an amazing sponsor so I get through them. I can't wait to be able to sponsor girls, I know that is going to help me so much. I know now that God wanted me to go through all this because now I can help others. I want God's will to rule my life. I pray often...I need to pray more. But I can honestly say that I am trying my best to live a Godly life. The other day was really hard and I just prayed and it worked. I'd rather pray and get relief than use substances to give me temporary relief.

I'm struggling with ED again and I'm scared shitless. Fear is a constant in my life and I need to pray for God to take that away. I've been working on following my meal plan but it's really hard. I'm having frequent ED thoughts and it's exhausting. I want so much to be a normal person and just have normal problems. I need to accept the fact that, that will never be and I'll always have to work 10 times harder than other people. I feel gross and ugly and want to hide from the world. The old thoughts of "if only I was thin" are becoming more frequent. It's all about action in fighting this disease and it's hard. I've been praying for the motivation and willingness to change and I feel like it's working because yesterday I was able to get up and go to the gym. I really want to change my whole life. I want to change everything about myself. I know now that with God it is possible.

I am planning on starting and EDA meeting, I just have to find a place to have it. I have met some wonderful ladies through AA that have ED struggles as well and they want to be apart of it. I see God working through me more and more everyday and it feels nice. I just have to remain grateful for what I do have instead of focusing on all the bad. Well I'm at a loss of words right now so I will end with this. I receive daily "thoughts" from this website called mentor connect and today it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm going through this exact thing.

Ed will always be trying to convince us to play with sparks.

He knows that a big fire can start with just a single tiny spark.

So he might whisper that it is okay to disobey our meal plan just this once for this very good reason, or refuse to take rest just this once but only because of that very good reason....

It is not okay.

"Just this once" could be the single spark that turns into the raging uncontrollable forest fire.

We must remember that fire is dangerous, to be respected and avoided at all costs.

If we don't want fire, we must refuse to allow Ed to convince us to play with sparks.

Thanks for reading. :)

I'm a part of something...

I went to the 6:30am meeting today and it was great. The topic was happy, joyous, and free. I am happy and I'm becoming more free.

Not too long ago I would wake up in the morning and be mad that I woke up. I didn't want to live anymore. I would pray that God would just let me die. I was so tired of fighting. I was hopeless. I couldn't see a light. Now I wake up and I'm happy that I awoke. I have hopes and dreams again. I'm excited for my future. I have a purpose in life. God has a plan for me and I don't know exactly what that plan is, but I trust that it's a great one. I am here to help people. :D

Today I saw a friend from treatment at the meeting and it was so nice to see her. Unfortunately I found out she relapsed. It's such a sad thing to hear. It reminds me of how tricky this disease is and that at any moment I can slip. I don't want to slip, so I have to keep my guard up. I have to go to meetings, and work my steps, pray, and read the big book. I have to do service work. So anyways I talked to the lady for awhile after the meeting and I gave her my number. I told her to keep in contact with me and were going to get together and have lunch one day. It's important to fellowship with people in the program. I know that I can plant a seed to anyone who is struggling and help them. It feels good that I can be of service to someone else.

I'm so excited for life. It hasn't been too easy the past few days. I'm struggling with body image and all those wonderful thoughts. BLAH! It's really paralyzing and I know this thinking is sabotaging and will take me out. I'm going to see my therapist today! Thank God! I really need to talk to her. I am starting to pray that God will take my obsession with food and body image issues away. It's a hard thing to pray for because it's a hard thing for me to let go of. I really want to be rid of this, but it's so hard. I know it sounds foolish. It is. I just truly believe if I was thin life would be so much easier and I'd be happy. I know that's not true. I'm pretty happy right now. I will continue to pray about this and hopefully see some clarity. Well I'm off to get ready now. As always thanks for reading. :)

grateful is a good day

Every morning I wake up, I thank God for the day and I ask him to help keep me sober and every night I thank God for the day and I thank him for keeping me sober.

Prayer really changes things. I've known this all my life, I guess after a few things happened I doubted the power of prayer and It's importance. I'm learning now that I cannot control everything and that God's will is beyond my understanding. I still have a really hard time dealing with the death of someone and I ask God all the time, "why?". I'll never know why and it really confuses me. I know that people die and it's not God's fault. It's just one of those things that I don't understand. It hurts every time I think about it. I'm working on it. I hope that God can give me some peace with it.

Things are going really well. I actually like IOP now and work is going great. I feel normal again. Life is getting back to normal, but it's better than normal because I have all these wonderful people and tools in my life. I get paid on Saturday and things are starting to look up. I'm going to start driving soon and that is going to make a huge difference! YAY! FREEDOM!

I had a long talk with my sister the other night and it was really tough. I cried a lot. She told me that she still doesn't trust me and that she doesn't know how to be around me. That hurt, but I know she has every right not to trust me. I know it's going to take time so in the mean time I will just pray for her. I pray for my family now a lot and guess what? It works. My relationship with my family is so much better.

I had 60 days clean and sober yesterday. yay! I feel very proud. Yesterday in IOP we were talking about how we should affirm ourselves for being in recovery and staying sober and a lot of people were saying how they don't think it's something they should get patted on the back for because it's what normal people do. The thing is...we, as addicts are not normal so I do believe it's something we should affirm ourselves for. I don't have the desire to use most days, but when I do, it's not easy to abstain. So, I do pat myself on the back. I am more grateful than anything. I know without God none of this would be possible and I'm so happy I finally have surrendered to his will and love.

Sunday night was really rough. I had a great day Sunday though. My friend from my home group picks me up and we go to a women's meeting then go get coffee and then back for an NA meeting. I love hanging out with her. I don't hang out with a lot of girls lately and it's really getting to me. I need friends. I need someone I can talk to and relate to. I need girl time!! Anyways so that was awesome. Then later that night a friend I knew from rehab called me and said he was stuck on the side of the road because he had ran out of gas. So I was like okay I can come pick you up and take you to a gas station, but then the more I talked to him, I wasn't sure if he was sober. :/ I talked to my sponsor and she said it was not a good idea, but I had already told him I would come. I didn't think it would affect my sobriety even if he wasn't sober. So my brother and I went and when I got there I saw that he was not sober. It was really hard to see him that way. His drug of choice was hardcore and something I'd never encountered, thank God. So my brother and I drove him home. He was so gone, just so not even in this world. It was hard to see him like that after I'd only known him sober. :( But then something weird happened. I got jealous, I wanted to be "that" high. I had never been on that type of level of high. I know to all you normal people this sounds ridiculous, but to an addict it's normal. So I started craving. Nothing major, and I was able to make it go away because seeing him reminded me of how far my addiction can take me.

While lying in bed that night, I had a realization. I don't think God wants us as humans to be "high". To be on such a different level to where we are not even sane...to think we have all the answers. I don't know how to explain it but I'm pretty sure God does not want us to be high. Putting chemicals in our body to basically make us retarded. :/ I don't know it's a good way to think about it for me.

So anyways, things are going really well. Most days I don't want to use and I'm so grateful for that. I'm starting to enjoy normal life again and looking forward to all that life has to offer. :D

Thanks for reading. :D

Things are going....

GOOD!

     So, like, um, things are going really good. :) Ever since I turned my life over to God it's like everything is being taken care of. I pray a lot and I feel bad like I'm asking for too much. My dad says it's okay and I guess it is, I just feel selfish. I am praying for other people too and it's like my relationship with my family is so much better after I've been praying for them lol. It's so cool how it's all working out. Like I was worried about having a ride to IOP which is my day rehab program and my friend who also goes, is giving me a ride and he found out he has to go longer so I have a ride for longer and by the time he's done I'll be able to drive my car. I was really worried about going back to work and so I prayed and prayed that God would make it bearable and guess what, work is going great. I'm happy. I don't have cravings anymore. I feel content. Life is going great. :D

     I'm a little worried because I keep having dreams about liquor and pills. I don't know why....It concerns me. I don't want to drink or use but I keep dreaming about it. So it worries me. And I haven't had time to work on my fourth step which is really important. I heard that some people can relapse if they stop at their fourth step. :/ So, I work a double tomorrow and have a two hour break so I'm going to work on it during my break. Also I'm worried because I haven't been able to go to meetings so like that sucks, because I really need my meetings. I went to the 6:30am meeting today and I left early because I was so sleepy...and then I skipped IOP today. So I feel like if I'm not careful I might relapse. I really don't want to but I heard it happens really quick if your not careful. So I need to kick myself in the butt and make myself go to the early morning meetings and finish my step 4. I really need to meet with my sponsor but she said we can't meet until I finish my fourth step so, I'm going to try and have it done by Sunday. Okay well that's all I have tonight. God bless everyone! :D

Giving it to God...

So a lot has happened since I last post.

I went back to rehab for two weeks, and then did a day program for two weeks. I'm now doing intensive outpatient. Its mon-thur, from 10am-1pm. I can't even begin to explain how much has happened in the last 50 days. I have 50 days clean and sober! :D

My sponsor is amazing and we are on step 4 now. Step 3 was giving my will to God. I can't believe I actually did it. It feels so amazing to finally surrender and know that I'm not alone anymore. I don't have to handle everything on my own anymore. I can't even explain the amount of peace I have. :) I've changed so much. Things are going so good. I actually don't want to use anymore. It's such an amazing feeling. God has worked so many miracles in my life. :) I really don't know how to put it into words. I'm just so grateful to God for saving me. :) I'm so grateful to the AA program. It's so wonderful. I go to meetings everyday and talk to my sponsor, I read the big book and work step work. I pray everyday. God is with me all the time now. It's such a refreshing feeling. I'm just so so grateful.

I've started back at work and it's going good. I'm so grateful to my boss for holding my position for so long for me. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy and actually wanted to live. I actually want to live now! It's awesome! I can't wait to finish my step work and get to help other women. :) I also want to volunteer at this women's prison where women get sober while they are incarcerated. I feel like I have a purpose in life and there is actually hope in my life again. :D Well thanks for reading and thank you for all your support. I'll keep you guys updated. :D

I'll leave you with one of my favorite prayers...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

"the story"

     Okay, so first thing is I hacked into my computer. Freaking awesome. I just love google. I feel super smart right now. My parents put a password on the computer so I wouldn't have contact with "boys" or "dealers". Which okay, I did give them plenty of reasons to take such drastic measures. But what it all comes down to is if I want to do something I'm going to do it. It doesn't matter what they do or say...I have to want to change in order to do so. Now of course these restrictions make it a lot harder to do what I want, but why not let my parents feel like they have a little control, right? Wow, I sound like a manipulating bitch. Yikes! I really have a lot to work on. 

     I really am trying to get better though in the past 3 days I've had three opportunities to use and I didn't. I'm really proud of myself...for me that's progress. I am working the steps, I go to two meetings a day. I have an amazing sponsor who I actually talk to everyday. Even if I don't feel like going to a meeting or talking with my sponsor I make myself do it because these are the things that keep me sober and I know I will always feel so much better. 

     So yesterday was really tough. I just keep shooting myself in the foot, over and over again. I know this "something" is bad for me and I just keep going back to it. I know it will make me miserable in the end, but I justify, and make excuses, and ultimately lie to myself. It's really ridiculous. I want to smack myself in the face. Oh and just to clarify this "something" is a guy. 

     So a little background, he's just a guy I casually hooked up with and then we decided to be friends with benefits. Of course I wanted more, but I pretended to be okay with that because if that's all I could get I'd take it. This guy had me wrapped around his finger from the get go. I'll never ever understand this I don't think. So for like 7 days in a row we saw each other every night. I drove an hour to see him and we'd just get fucked up and have our "benefits". He constantly talked down to me and insulted me and then follow it up with something sweet. For some reason the fact that he was so out of my reach kept me wanting him anymore. The fact that he did not think I was good enough made me want to strive to be good enough for him. So, yeah, I'm infatuated with him. After we saw each other last oh and btw it's cause he got into a relationship we texted for a bit and then he ignored me and so yeah I just went on with my life. So that whole shpill was in January.

      Life went on, and two weeks later I started dating another guy, who actually liked me and treated me very well. He as well drank and smoked pot and so for about two weeks we saw each other almost everyday. I would go to his house after work and get fucked up and then black out. So my addiction progressed. One night we were hanging out and he was like "so you wanna try some other stuff?" and I was like "uh, Yeah!" From that moment on I knew I needed to get my shit together or there was no telling where my life would end up. I mean no one that does hardcore drugs is successful and I don't say that to be insulting, but it's the truth. I never thought I'd smoke weed and then I started smoking everyday and so the thought of starting another drug just scared me and I'm glad it did. So, a few days later I decided I wanted to get sober. So I broke up with him and he did not take it well at all.

     I tried to get sober on my own. I talked with my therapist, who hooked me up with a lady with years of sobriety. This lady invited me to my very first AA meeting. She was extremely nice and after everyone shared at the meeting I knew I had a problem. My addiction had not progressed very much, but I knew it definitely would If I didn't get help. That night I left and got drunk. Clever right? I just couldn't say no. I finally somehow went four days without drinking. Those four days were miserable. I felt sick, being sober was so unbearable. I was crawling in my skin. It was hard for me to fall asleep because I hadn't had to fall asleep for so long because I blacked out every night. I was crawling in my skin. All I could think about was how bad I wanted to drink. I was constantly irritated and would break down in tears randomly. I hated myself sober. I couldn't stand to be sober. The fifth day, I couldn't take it anymore, I went out on a date and we went to a bar. I drank 3 beers. I wanted to drink so much more, but I was on a date and I didn't want him to judge me for drinking a ton. We didn't leave the bar in time for me to buy beer on the way home so I had to go home with barely even a buzz. This was annoying. I've never been able to just have a few. It was all or nothing, well it was always all. 

     So I finally decided I couldn't stop on my own. I was scared. I'd done a lot of horrible things the past three months while I was using. I would look in the mirror and not even know who I was looking at. I was just a shell of a human being, looking normal but totally oblivious to life around me. Things were already really bad only after 3 months of using. I didn't pay my bills, I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I was going to use again. I ignored my family. I was hardly ever home. I would always be somewhere getting fucked up. I went to another AA meeting at the place I would soon go to treatment at. The whole time I just wanted to cry. I was a mess. I was an addict and I knew it. This is what my life came down to, another battle. I'd be going to another rehab within not even a year of my last one. After the meeting I went to a sober friends house. I bought two beers on the way and chugged them in the parking lot. I hadn't drank all day and I couldn't not drink. I sat in her apartment and balled my eyes out. I was not me anymore. I was so lost. She started crying as well. She said she didn't know who I was anymore. It really broke my heart to see her crying for me. Another time my sister told me she felt like she lost her sister and that she hadn't had a sister in a long time. That really woke me up. 

     So anyways, I went to rehab. I spent my every last penny paying for my deductible. I spent 29 days there. When I got out, I immediately wanted to use. The cravings were so strong. I was scared and found meetings and started going to as many as I could in one day. I got home on a Friday and the following Wednesday I decided to msg "the something". I honestly to this day have no idea why I did it. I guess it was just because I knew he had weed and I really wanted to get high. We started talking and long story short that night I lied to my parents about going to two meetings and went and got high with him. And so the infatuation begins again. The next night I did the same thing. Then he said we couldn't hang out again because he was going to ask this girl to be his gf. Within one time of seeing him I became just as obsessed if not more as I was the last time. 

     This guy is no good. He's an alcoholic, pot head. He for the most part does not give a shit about me. I know he's only using me for sex when he's desperate for it. He drives me insane. Ever since then I have not been able to get him out of my head. It's seriously a problem. I msg him on facebook and we text, then we decided we shouldn't talk anymore. He admitted he was bad for me and I deleted his number and blocked him on facebook. That didn't last very long. When I couldn't take it anymore, I unblocked him and msg him. I told him how I was going back to rehab and we should get high one more time and he said maybe next week because his girlfriend would be out of town. We were not going to be physical btw, I would never be "the other woman". So anyways, I continued to make progress in my recovery. I told my sponsor the plan and I told her that I would need a lot of help those few days to not go over there. I made a plan and I started to feel confident that I was not going to relapse. 

     Yesterday, I found out I was going to rehab today and my addict mind started racing, scheming all kinds of "fun" stuff to do before going back in. I only had 11 days, I told myself, why not get fucked up one last time before I quit forever?  So yesterday I contacted "the something". I told him I was going to rehab and how tonight would be my last time to get high. I had finally started to make some progress in not thinking about him as much and what do I do? I go and shoot myself in the foot again. We had an actual conversation about how he needed help with his drinking and my heart ached for him. I immediately though, oh I can save him which is totally an illusion. After speaking to him for like all of maybe 10 minutes, my heart raced, I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and I felt like someone was twisting the insides of my chest. It was miserable. I was miserable. All I could think about was him. I immediately wanted to use really bad. I couldn't stand the way I felt. I wanted to do anything to change it. 

     I met with my sponsor shortly after and before I even said anything she said, "you talked to him?". She's so much like me that she can just sense all this stuff. So I vented to her about it and we started to make plans about how I was not going to go use with him. Fortunately, he didn't want me to come over after all, but that was not going to stop me from using. My mind started scheming more plans of how I was going to get a fix. I was so close to hitting the fuck it switch. My sponsor told me that no matter what the topic was in the AA meeting that I needed to share this. And low and behold the guy leading the meeting asked, "does anyone have a topic they would like to talk about, because they might go drink?". I immediately raised my hand and explained in a very brief description what was going on. Then he was like "wow, I had the same kinda thing happen and this is what I found in the book", he preceded to read. Then the whole meeting everyone was giving me advice on how to stay sober tonight. I was so overwhelmed with gratefulness. It's amazing how God works. I just love AA. 

     More shit happened and I just really still wanted to use, but I didn't and I am so proud of myself. So today I will be going back to rehab. 

     So the whole reason this post started is because I woke up in the middle of the night around 3am, again...this has been going on for about two weeks. I can't sleep and when I do I dream about "the something". It's so freaking annoying. I just want to be freed from this infatuation. Anyways hopefully being away in treatment for a few days will help. To anyone who read this whole thing. WOW! I love you. I know it turned into a story, but man it felt good to get all of this down on "paper". Thanks as always to all my readers. Wish me luck in my journey to sobriety. :D

    







 

update

       So I'm going for an assessment tomorrow at the rehab I was in to come back. I don't need inpatient but its the only way I can get to php and not have to pay. I'm wondering if maybe they will just put me in PHP without having to do inpatient that would be great. But if I do have to do inpatient it will just be for a few days. My boss wants me to come back to work, but I'm really scared. I feel like I need to be an adult, suck it up and get back to work. I'm just scared because stress is my biggest trigger and my job is really stressful. I feel like how I feel about it does not matter because I need to take care of my finances so I just need to deal with it. So I'll probably start working on the weekends.

     My family thinks I shouldn't go back to work just yet. So it's either be stressed about not having money or be stressed from making money. EEK! I'm really proud of myself for staying sober. God is really helping me not have a desire to use. I love AA meetings I feel safe there and they really help me to stay sober.

     My parents are wanting to go back to church so now they are going to be on that. I think its great that they want to go to church, but they get all worked up about it and then start judging me for the most ridiculous things and I just don't need that right now. As I'm writing this I can't help but think of what some of my friends would say...and I feel like I have to justify my feelings. Another perspective is always great but I am entitled to feel however I want and I shouldn't feel the need to justify my feelings.

     The religion I grew up in is just not for me. I don't care about religion any more. I care about my relationship with God and my spirituality. I want to have a relationship with God and I want to be a good person, but I don't need religion for that. Now that my parents are wanting to go back to their beliefs they are going to force it on me and I'm very resentful to the way I grew up. I know I need to work on that and try not to be so bitter. It's just a lot of really screwed up things were done to my family and to others "in the church". I don't believe a man has the right to dictate your life. I was one of those people that did wrong and judged others simply by how they looked and I regret that. I don't want to ever be like that again. God is a just God and he does not care how you look. Sheesh, it's just the most ridiculous thing ever. I refuse to comply to those standards. There are so many wonderful people in this world and just because they don't look a certain way...they are going to hell? I think not. Anyways I really think the religion I grew up in is like a cult and it disgust me. Sorry I needed to vent about that. Anyways I'm done.

     One of the hardest things about recovery is feeling. For so long I numbed myself out. I never dealt with bad feelings because I'd just get drunk and high and push them deep down. Now I can't turn to a bottle or pipe when I feel bad. I have to find out where the feeling is coming from and just sit with it. This may sound like an easy thing to do. It's just I'm not used to feeling and I hate feeling bad. Who doesn't? I mean I have to relearn how to live life on life's terms. There are going to be things that make me sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc but I just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I'm working on it. So anyways, things are going good and that's all I have for now. Thanks as always for reading. Much love! :D

It's happening!

So I'm finally making some progress and seeing more hope. Not gonna lie things still get really rough, but I'm able to handle it. Okay seriously, everyone should have a sponsor for life. It's awesome to have someone to talk to whenever you need them...like they are just always there for you. And mine is so great because it's like she's a sober version of me. :D

     So like I'm going back to treatment for a few days just so I can get stepped down to php and have it covered by insurance. So my addict mind started racing and I was like man I really wanna get messed up before I go back. What's the point in staying sober when I'm going back to treatment. So I made this extravagant plan on how I was going to get really messed up for a few days. This plan would seriously probably ruin my life, really hurt everyone I love and possibly put myself in danger. So I was like really excited about it and then I started thinking about how bad this would hurt my family and just really ruin all the progress I've made. Then someone from treatment needed some support and I was there to help them and then I realized if I wouldn't have been sober last night, I would not have been able to help her. So then I just had like a spiritual awakening type thing and had no desire to use. This is like super cool because I could have got some really good stuff and for an addict that is not easy to say no to. But God took my desire away and I am so grateful for that. I went through a lot of hard emotions the past 24 hours and I stayed sober. I met with my sponsor and now I feel so much better :D! I'm so proud of myself. It feels really good wanting to be sober. I love it! :D I feel like I've just babbled a lot. Oh well I just had to tell you guys about this! :D
Thanks for reading!

lots to tell

     So...thought I'd fill everyone in on what's going on. I relapsed last Wednesday night. I'm such an idiot. I had 34 days clean and sober and my dumb ass contacted an old using "friend". I say "friend" because he's actually an asshole that I should run away from. Anyways, I don't know what I was thinking getting in contact with him, but that's a whole other story. So anyways I went to his place and got high and I did the same thing the next night.

     Somehow my mom found out...I have no idea how and it's still driving me crazy. They took my phone away, wouldn't let me on the computer and wouldn't let me drive anymore. They also told me that If I didn't get sober that I needed to find somewhere else to live. I don't blame them. I've put them through hell. They have given me more than enough chances to prove myself and I just keep stabbing them in the back. The sad thing is at the time I didn't care. I hit the "fuck it switch".

     I  called my boss to ask her to unfreeze my gym membership so I could come workout and she was like "your not coming back? We've been holding your position for you?" I was stunned and I told her I would let her know asap. So that made me feel so good. I started crying because someone that is not my family sees potential in me and that just really meant a lot to me. I'm terrified to go back to work so I was looking for an outpatient program. I went for an assessment and found out it's a 6 week program, four days a week, four hours a day. My first thoughts were "screw that, I wouldn't be able to get high for 6 weeks". Then the lady told me that I had to start my sobriety date all over, that I can't have one for drugs and one for alcohol. That pissed me off and I was like well if I would have known that I would have drank. She replied with, "only an addict would say that".

     So I went home and told my parents I wasn't going to do that and that I would just go to a ton of meetings and go back to work. Then that night I went to a meeting and talked with my sponsor and decided I needed to do the program. So I decided to try this. Drugs will always be there, I can always go back, but why not just try the program and see if It makes me happy and if it doesn't work I can always go back out.

     There is a huge part of me that wants to get sober, but I still struggle with not wanting to be sober. The biggest thing for me is I'm just so sick of fighting. As soon as the drugs and alcohol were out of my system all my ed thoughts came back up and I'm so sick of it. So on top of trying to get clean and sober I'm also dealing with ED again. I am just sabotaging myself. I know what I need to do. I know that I will be happier. I know that this guy, and drugs will lead me to my death. I know that if I screw up I will lose my family and friends once and for all. I know that if I go back out I'll probably end up being a crack whore. Unfortunately that's not a joke. I've never even done crack though, I just know that weed will not cut it after awhile and I'll probably try everything and then end up addicted to the hardcore stuff. I know all these things so why am I being stupid?

     I hear a lot of people in AA talk about how they thought they were the "exception". They thought they could use and still live life. They just had to control it better and be more sneaky. Then they say how that didn't work and they just ended up worse off. I've been thinking "I'm the exception". I've been scheming plans inside my head of how I am going to live and still use. How my life can get back to normal, but I can still go get high. HA! I got it all figured out, huh? Nope, I know that will not work.

     I didn't want to meet my sponsor yesterday, but I kicked myself in the ass and made myself go. Afterwards, I felt 10 times better and had some hope. I was completely honest with her. She has been through everything and more that I have. She understands me completely. She's almost 3 years sober. She struggled with bulimia and love addiction as well as drugs and alcohol just like me. She also has bipolar disorder, just like me. It's like I was talking to a smarter, sober, happier version of myself. I already love her. I told her how I'm not sure if I want to be sober and she said that's normal and that's okay. She suggested we get to working the steps and if I change my mind that's great and if not I can stop at any time and go back out.

      I felt some hope. I went to two meetings last night and got more hope. People in AA are just amazing. They talk about how much better their lives are now and how they are happy and free. They talk about how the obsession and desire to use went away. They talk about how awesome the program is and how it worked for them. Meetings are my safe haven. As soon as I walk into the room I feel safe. Everyone in the room understands me. Strangers come up to me and I feel like I'm talking to long lost friends. I get my motivation in those rooms and I get my hope there.

     So I'm actually trying now. I'm not going to lie and say "oh I can't wait to be clean and sober and I'm just so happy", because that's not how I feel at all. But I am going to try, wholeheartedly. I know what I need to do. My life has to revolve around recovery. I have to read the big book of AA, talk to my sponsor everyday, go to as many meetings as I can, make friends with fellow recovering addicts, and pray. These things seem so simple, but they are much easier to not do. I'm going to start a checklist for everyday and check off the things I did.

     My life is on the line now. No, I didn't hit rock bottom, but a new friend of mine told me, "you can get off the elevator at any floor". That makes perfect sense to me. I don't have to go all the way down to the basement.

     I love my family and friends, I don't act like it a lot, but I truly do. I do feel bad for everything I've done. I do want to have a relationship with these people again. I just hate how they seem to think that I can just flip a switch and be sober. It's not that simple. If it was I would have stopped drinking and using a long time ago. Heck, if it was that easy I wouldn't have a problem in the first place. It's a 24 hour struggle. I have a ton of work ahead of me. I don't expect everyone to act like everything's okay now and our relationships go back to normal. I just would like them to accept the fact that this is not easy and this time I actually am trying.

     I feel all alone in this world, until I step into a meeting. I've been numb for so long, so feeling emotions is really hard for me. Last night I felt hurt. The kind of hurt when you have to let go of someone you love. It's a painful, painful feeling. I  can't stand it. All I want to do is numb out. I know that is not the answer. I have to face this head on. I got in contact with a sober friend today and were going to try and meet up. She's such a great support to me. We are going through a lot of the same things amidst the addiction part. I'm going to journal about these feelings I'm having and see if I can pin point what's causing it.

     I know this post was super long, sorry bout that, but I had to get all this out on "paper". I feel a little better, like I just took a rock off my shoulders. Thanks to all my readers. I appreciate your support.

CAGED

So...breakthrough....I think. :/

So last night I agreed to babysit last night. The thing is I had babysat for this family before and there is liquor in the apartment. I agreed and Idk why. I knew it was a bad idea. I was setting myself up for failure. I had a lot of thoughts. They preceeded as followed.

1-crap this is a bad idea
2-screw it I'm going to drink
3-no, no, no, I need to stay sober, I can do this.

So I went to my 7pm meeting and I asked her to hide the liquor and she did. She trusted me. It felt good to be trusted. Anyways. I was a nervous wreck. I had so much anxiety. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was in an apartment with liquor hidden somewhere and I couldn't drink it. :/ I was on the phone constantly with my sober contacts. At the end of the night I didn't drink. I'm so proud of myself, but the rest of the night was awful. My cravings were insane and I couldn't stop thinking about using. It sucked. :( Any ways I'm awake and my brain is going crazy. I feel sick I don't know why. My anxiety is like a 10 and I just woke up. UGH! Anyways so mile stone for me yay!

uh.....hi

Hey guys,
     So this is probably going to be the most random pity party, rambling, blog post ever.

     So you are probably all wondering why I haven't posted in ages. Well...lots has happened. I just got out of rehab for drugs and alcohol. Yay, another rehab. UGH! So what happened? I got home from TK and things were going good. I got a great job, got better and then boom, I started drinking, then I started using drugs. It all happened so fast. One minute I was binge drinking on the weekend and the next I was drinking every single day. I started dating guys that drank and used drugs and I'd spend every night with them drinking and drugging until I blacked out. I'd go to work the next day and then do it all over again. I know now that I started drinking to replace my eating disorder. I was so unhappy for some reason and drinking and drugging was my temporary happiness. Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to function without it. I stopped taking all my medications and went into a state of mania. I have bipolar disorder so that happens sometimes, especially if I'm not on my meds. If you don't know what mania is...google it.

     So...I turned into psycho chick again. I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I could use again. It ruled my life. Well, I did care about my job and that sent me over the edge. Like always, I'm a competitive, perfectionist and I needed to be the best. I'm also a workaholic. Work was extremely stressful and we were in competition. I worked my butt off and drove myself insane. I used every night until I blacked out and then went to work the next day. It was the only thing that brought me happiness. Then it got to the point to where I let my self pity take control and kinda gave up.
   
     One night when I was with one of the guys I was dating we were smoking and drinking and he asked, "Do you wanna try some other stuff?" I replied YES!! And that scared me. I realized then I should probably get some help. If not, who knows what I'd be doing.  So I talked with my therapist and decided I couldn't stop on my own and off to rehab I went.

I spent 29 days in rehab and then got kicked out for not going to all my groups throughout the day. Now I'm home and going to like 3 AA or NA meetings a day. I'm looking for a day program and trying to find a sponsor. This lady that was going to be my sponsor told me she couldn't work with me because she thought I "wasn't done using". I don't know why she thinks that. I do want to be sober and clean. It's really hard.

     I'm so miserable. I don't want to live. I hate life. I hate waking up. I don't care about anything. I have no desire to live. The only thing that is keeping me from offing myself is my family. I've already caused them so much pain I can't do that to them. Although I feel like everyone's life would be better without me. Well, the other thing that is keeping me from dying is the fact that I was raised to believe if you commit suicide you go straight to hell. I wish I didn't believe that.

     Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm just a lost soul. All I want to do is use to take these feelings away. And of course when I tell the doctors this they just give me more medication because it's "my disorders" causing all this. I don't know whether that's true or not. Sure it'd be nice to believe that, It's not my fault, my brain is just not working right. But I feel like it's my fault. I know I'm just too lazy to try anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to die. Sometimes I pray that God would just let me die.

     Everyone is just so sick of me and my "issues". Today I am going to be productive though. I'm going to clean my room and help out around the house and read the big book. I have to start trying. If I'm not trying I might as well be dead and sense I'm not going to kill myself I should at least try.

     I miss the days when I had dreams and hopes. I miss the days when I was innocent and happy. I miss the rush of accomplishment. Now there is nothing. I can't wait to see my therapist, she always understands me and has the best advice. Im still having trouble believing in God and giving him all this. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so stupid. I know he can take all this away but I refuse to give it to him.

     So this is life now. I don't really know if you can call this life. I feel like I'm in a temporary hell. Ok so that's what is going on. Until next time....

UPDATE!

Alright, well I havent blogged in awhile so I'm going to give you guys a short update of whats going on, then when I have more time I will elaborate more on each thing.

*Got a personal trainer and it turned out to be really triggering...like really! :(
*Been partying too much, it's fun...I don't know like I feel like as long as I'm safe and don't drink and drive what's the big deal?
*I haven't been following my meal plan, but I havent been starving or purging so I'm like I'm eating so who cares right?
*Ed is no longer constantly in my life, I have kicked him out. Sure he comes around every once in awhile to try to sneak back in but I'm getting really good at defusing my thoughts.
*I'm starting a to do list today of all the things I need to do to get back on track with my recovery. Even though I am not struggling very much I know it's important for me to stay involved so I don't relapse.
* I miss my friends, I need to make time for them.
* I get to see my therapist after the 7th THANK GOD!!! Ugh I miss her so much and I desperately need our sessions.
*I am starting an EDA meeting this month! I'm really excited because I want to give back.
*I plan on going to church Sunday so hopefully I make it.
*I'm trying to quit smoking, it's not going so well, but I'm trying.
Okay guys I have to get ready for work, but I will elaborate more soon! :D

Love you guys, thanks for reading! :D