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     So Okay I know I haven't been posting a lot and that's because I've kinda been out of it. Life has been kinda weird lately. I just don't feel right. I go to work and come home and sleep. That's all I do. I'm lonely and sad. I feel trapped. I don't enjoy anything and I know I'm depressed. So, yeah I haven't been taking my medications regularly. I know that has something to do with it. I hate I have to rely on medications to stabilize my mood. It makes me feel legit crazy. Last Friday night the 23rd I got wasted at a friends house with some other friends. Ever since that night things have been off. I've been drinking all week. I even went out and bought liquor. Idk what is wrong with me and why I'm making stupid choices. I know I shouldn't drink so why am I? I don't know. It doesn't even make me feel good anymore. It just makes me feel sick. So yeah on top of that I've been sick every day for the past week and a half. I don't know if it's been a stomach bug or what. Also I haven't been smoking as much as I used to because for some reason it just doesn't feel good anymore and it also makes me feel sick. Maybe this is God's way of making me quit. Well God, it's working. I'm ready to quit. I'm all out of cigarettes and my mom won't buy me any so...I'll be quitting. This will be the first day I don't smoke in I can't remember so I'm pretty nervous. 

 I don't know why, but I've been really hungry the past like four days. I hate it because I used to never be hungry. It's like ever since I've started working I like to eat. I hate it. I don't want to like food. It's awful. I even have had fast food twice. I did feel a little guilty, but it wasn't that bad. I just shrugged it off. I haven't seen my therapist or dietician now in 3 weeks. It really sucks, I really need to see them. I called my insurance and they have agreed to do a single case agreement for me to see my therapist so now I'm just waiting for my therapist to negotiate with them and see if it is a for sure deal. Last night I binged and purged twice, back to back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know why I did it. I don't want to live without ED, I'm terrified now that I'm not afraid to eat that I will just be a huge fat ass the rest of my life. ED still has his grip on me and last night I gave in to his temptation. It was a really weird experience. Still I can't believe I used to do that everyday. It felt kinda relieving but more weird than anything. Some things at work have triggered me a lot and I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. I was feeling good about my body earlier this week. Just Thursday I went to work out and I wore a tank top...this has never been done. I felt confident. Then for some reason, Friday I just started feeling huge and disgusting. I can't shake it. I hate wearing clothes I just want to hide in my room all day. 

Today I am going to start taking my medications regularly and I'm going to follow my meal plan to a T. I'm getting back on track. I also am stuck on step 3 of the 12 steps I just can't get myself to surrender. I don't know why. It sucks I really want to move on with the steps. I'm trapped. I hate this feeling I wish it would go away. Well I'm going to start reading more ED literature this week and do some mindfulness and prayer. I've got to get back on track or I know I'll end up puking my guts up every day. I don't want that, I really don't. So here's to getting back on the right track.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.