Oh man, I'm so angry. What happened? Where did all this come from? Who am I?
I feel so lost. Thanksgiving sucked! I was all ready to conquer the day and feeling pretty confident about it. I was excited to spend the day with my family. Then last minute I find out my uncles parents are coming, my uncles mom is anorexic/bulimic. So I immediately kinda just fell apart. No one understands and they never will. I guess that's why I feel so alone lately. I just freaked out and it really ruined everything. I finally went downstairs to conquer the trigger and eat my meal as planned, but as soon as I got a plate and tried to fix it I dropped it and ran out the door and started sobbing. My sister came out and helped me. She was so sweet and supportive. So long story short, I ate and I was fine. Friday I left work early because I was not feeling well and honestly I just didn't want to be there. Friday night I got wasted with some friends and called in to work on Saturday. My whole weekend was a big blur I pretty much slept all weekend. I went to work yesterday from 10:30 to 4pm and it was so awful, all I did was make phone calls all day.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to stick with this job, honestly all I do is make phone calls and no one ever answers. I work 12-9 today and it's going to suck, I'm not looking forward to making phone calls for eight freaking hours.
Anyways, I feel really lost lately, and alone. I really just don't know who I am. Life is so blah, I feel trapped. I don't have IOP anymore and I need to find a therapist and dietician and yet at the same time I'm sick of recovery, I just want to go on with life. I know that's not going to happen. I know I need to stay in "recovery mode". I know I need to make recovery my first priority and everything else second. I just feel weird. Eating has become really easy and I'm afraid of just being fat. I mean I don't overeat, I portion my meals, I eat just enough and I'm done, so why am I terrified of losing control if I've shown so much control? I just feel like I need to restrict (not eat) for a few days to get some control back. Maybe I feel my life is out of control. IDK I just want a normal life. I feel like right now everything is in the process of getting back in order and I just need to wait through it all. IDK again I just don't know. I'm extremely angry, I feel like It's time to let go of ED all the way, but something is holding me back. What is it? Why am I clinging to the last bits of ED and not letting go. Why do I feel like I'm losing a piece of me. Why does my life feel so empty without ED? Life is just so blah, I feel sad and really lonely and I don't know why? I feel kind of numb and just like so miserable. I don't know what's really going on, but today I will find out. I'm going to finish step three and start looking for a therapist. I am going to get back into "recovery mode" and keep going. I can't let my passions die. I have to fulfill them or I'll lose sight of all that's good in this life. I want the good in my life.
Sorry for all the randomness I just needed to vent and write all my feelings on paper. I do feel so much better. :) Take care my lovelies.
Stop focusing on the negatives and focus on the positives. You've come so far. You're gaining your independence. It's not going to be a cake walk, but you will get there. No job is fun, but it's money. Try to stop being so hard on yourself, you have seriously come so far. I am so proud of you and your strength. You don't see it, I know, but you are strong. Stay that way! Fight through it. Because it's worth the fight.
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