Ed does NOT like walks in the park...

So, today I'd like to share with you, yesterday. I touched on it a bit in my last post, but I thought today I could elaborate on how hard recovery really is. 
     At the beginning of this journey, when I was told I was going into an inpatient treatment facility, basically "rehab". I was so convinced I didn't need that level of care, everyone else thought other wise. The thing is I never really saw how bad things were until I was in treatment and realized how much of a grip had on me. 
      I'm assuming that my family and friends thought when I came home I'd be "cured" and all would be well. That's so NOT how it works. I was terrified to come home. I knew there wouldn't be as much support as there was at rehab and no one would be here to make me eat, and I'd have access to many things that were not the best in my recovery. In treatment I got to take a break from life, although I wouldn't really call rehab a break. But it was important to put everything else on hold and focus solely on my recovery. I never imagined how hard it would be and how much work I'd have to put in it. I went in with the expectations that after a month I'd come home and everything would be okay, until I actually started working on my recovery there and realized it's not an overnight cure. 
     Coming home was scarey because I knew I wasn't ready to face recovery and life at the same time. But I couldn't stay in rehab forever, nor did I want to. 
     So I thought I'd give you guys a little more insight as to how hard recovery truly is. 

     You see Ed, does not like walks in the park, actually he despises them. He hates seeing all the beauty in life and he hates focusing on the scenery and all the joy it can bring. By this I mean, he doesn't like to make it easy and he hates how I'm starting to see life as it is meant to be lived. So no recovery is not a walk in the park. With every bit of progress I make, he's right there trying to throw me back in the prison I've escaped from. Although for the most part I am able to distinguish his lies from my truth that does not convince him to leave me alone. I still have Ed screaming in my ear, but where before I had no idea it was really Ed, now I know that and it's scary how much of my mind he has consumed. 

     So here's the deal, every day I wake up, lately I've been having good days, but there is still a battle to be fought. Everyday Ed takes the opportunity to imprison me once more. Everyday I have to fight, to keep my head above water. But because of the progress I've made, I've been having a lot of good days. Well yesterday was not one of those days. Ed had made himself a little more comfy in my mind yesterday. When Ed takes up a lot of space he adds urges to act on behaviors, he adds lots of body image issues, he adds frustration and over all he makes me weak. 

     Now for those of you who don't know what "behaviors" are, they are binging, purging, restricting, over exercising, and pretty  much everything I'm trying to get away from. I was so so tired yesterday, tired of fighting. It's not a walk in the park, its not a just make yourself eat. Its so much more. Its like hiking up a slippery iced hill in a blizzard, with no light. But of course now I've got a flash light that allows me  to see where I'm going, I'm still walking around in utter darkness.  So yesterday was a bad day. It was hard for me to distinguish what Ed wanted and what I wanted. So I was having really strong urges to restrict, yesterday I was really too tired to fight, so I ate as much as I could possibly stand, but in no way was I eating as much as I should have. Next I was having really strong urges to binge and purge...I haven't done this in 2 months now. That is a REALLY long time and I'm so proud of myself and looking at this gives me hope that recovery is possible. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't binge and purge. Yesterday the urge was so strong I almost gave in. Luckily I had some support from one of the girls from TK (my treatment center). She offered me so much wisdom and was truly an answer to prayer. After talking to her I received some clarity. She told me to just take it hour by hour, to tell myself, Okay for this hour I will not act on anything, and then once that hour was up I'd tell myself the same thing. Looking at it that way I was like yeah, I can do that. So at the end of the day I did not act on that particular behavior. 

     So to all the girls struggling, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times Ed breaks through the locked door and tries to steal you away in the darkness, tell yourself, hour by hour and you CAN do this. I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember how much stronger you are than this disease! Remember that every time Ed wants to break you, you are too strong to break. Keep your head high and your goals higher. You got this! :)

Special thanks to the amazing woman who offered me support yesterday! You really made a difference, so Thank you! :)