I went to the 6:30am meeting today and it was great. The topic was happy, joyous, and free. I am happy and I'm becoming more free.
Not too long ago I would wake up in the morning and be mad that I woke up. I didn't want to live anymore. I would pray that God would just let me die. I was so tired of fighting. I was hopeless. I couldn't see a light. Now I wake up and I'm happy that I awoke. I have hopes and dreams again. I'm excited for my future. I have a purpose in life. God has a plan for me and I don't know exactly what that plan is, but I trust that it's a great one. I am here to help people. :D
Today I saw a friend from treatment at the meeting and it was so nice to see her. Unfortunately I found out she relapsed. It's such a sad thing to hear. It reminds me of how tricky this disease is and that at any moment I can slip. I don't want to slip, so I have to keep my guard up. I have to go to meetings, and work my steps, pray, and read the big book. I have to do service work. So anyways I talked to the lady for awhile after the meeting and I gave her my number. I told her to keep in contact with me and were going to get together and have lunch one day. It's important to fellowship with people in the program. I know that I can plant a seed to anyone who is struggling and help them. It feels good that I can be of service to someone else.
I'm so excited for life. It hasn't been too easy the past few days. I'm struggling with body image and all those wonderful thoughts. BLAH! It's really paralyzing and I know this thinking is sabotaging and will take me out. I'm going to see my therapist today! Thank God! I really need to talk to her. I am starting to pray that God will take my obsession with food and body image issues away. It's a hard thing to pray for because it's a hard thing for me to let go of. I really want to be rid of this, but it's so hard. I know it sounds foolish. It is. I just truly believe if I was thin life would be so much easier and I'd be happy. I know that's not true. I'm pretty happy right now. I will continue to pray about this and hopefully see some clarity. Well I'm off to get ready now. As always thanks for reading. :)
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
grateful is a good day
Every morning I wake up, I thank God for the day and I ask him to help keep me sober and every night I thank God for the day and I thank him for keeping me sober.
Prayer really changes things. I've known this all my life, I guess after a few things happened I doubted the power of prayer and It's importance. I'm learning now that I cannot control everything and that God's will is beyond my understanding. I still have a really hard time dealing with the death of someone and I ask God all the time, "why?". I'll never know why and it really confuses me. I know that people die and it's not God's fault. It's just one of those things that I don't understand. It hurts every time I think about it. I'm working on it. I hope that God can give me some peace with it.
Things are going really well. I actually like IOP now and work is going great. I feel normal again. Life is getting back to normal, but it's better than normal because I have all these wonderful people and tools in my life. I get paid on Saturday and things are starting to look up. I'm going to start driving soon and that is going to make a huge difference! YAY! FREEDOM!
I had a long talk with my sister the other night and it was really tough. I cried a lot. She told me that she still doesn't trust me and that she doesn't know how to be around me. That hurt, but I know she has every right not to trust me. I know it's going to take time so in the mean time I will just pray for her. I pray for my family now a lot and guess what? It works. My relationship with my family is so much better.
I had 60 days clean and sober yesterday. yay! I feel very proud. Yesterday in IOP we were talking about how we should affirm ourselves for being in recovery and staying sober and a lot of people were saying how they don't think it's something they should get patted on the back for because it's what normal people do. The thing is...we, as addicts are not normal so I do believe it's something we should affirm ourselves for. I don't have the desire to use most days, but when I do, it's not easy to abstain. So, I do pat myself on the back. I am more grateful than anything. I know without God none of this would be possible and I'm so happy I finally have surrendered to his will and love.
Sunday night was really rough. I had a great day Sunday though. My friend from my home group picks me up and we go to a women's meeting then go get coffee and then back for an NA meeting. I love hanging out with her. I don't hang out with a lot of girls lately and it's really getting to me. I need friends. I need someone I can talk to and relate to. I need girl time!! Anyways so that was awesome. Then later that night a friend I knew from rehab called me and said he was stuck on the side of the road because he had ran out of gas. So I was like okay I can come pick you up and take you to a gas station, but then the more I talked to him, I wasn't sure if he was sober. :/ I talked to my sponsor and she said it was not a good idea, but I had already told him I would come. I didn't think it would affect my sobriety even if he wasn't sober. So my brother and I went and when I got there I saw that he was not sober. It was really hard to see him that way. His drug of choice was hardcore and something I'd never encountered, thank God. So my brother and I drove him home. He was so gone, just so not even in this world. It was hard to see him like that after I'd only known him sober. :( But then something weird happened. I got jealous, I wanted to be "that" high. I had never been on that type of level of high. I know to all you normal people this sounds ridiculous, but to an addict it's normal. So I started craving. Nothing major, and I was able to make it go away because seeing him reminded me of how far my addiction can take me.
While lying in bed that night, I had a realization. I don't think God wants us as humans to be "high". To be on such a different level to where we are not even sane...to think we have all the answers. I don't know how to explain it but I'm pretty sure God does not want us to be high. Putting chemicals in our body to basically make us retarded. :/ I don't know it's a good way to think about it for me.
So anyways, things are going really well. Most days I don't want to use and I'm so grateful for that. I'm starting to enjoy normal life again and looking forward to all that life has to offer. :D
Thanks for reading. :D
Prayer really changes things. I've known this all my life, I guess after a few things happened I doubted the power of prayer and It's importance. I'm learning now that I cannot control everything and that God's will is beyond my understanding. I still have a really hard time dealing with the death of someone and I ask God all the time, "why?". I'll never know why and it really confuses me. I know that people die and it's not God's fault. It's just one of those things that I don't understand. It hurts every time I think about it. I'm working on it. I hope that God can give me some peace with it.
Things are going really well. I actually like IOP now and work is going great. I feel normal again. Life is getting back to normal, but it's better than normal because I have all these wonderful people and tools in my life. I get paid on Saturday and things are starting to look up. I'm going to start driving soon and that is going to make a huge difference! YAY! FREEDOM!
I had a long talk with my sister the other night and it was really tough. I cried a lot. She told me that she still doesn't trust me and that she doesn't know how to be around me. That hurt, but I know she has every right not to trust me. I know it's going to take time so in the mean time I will just pray for her. I pray for my family now a lot and guess what? It works. My relationship with my family is so much better.
I had 60 days clean and sober yesterday. yay! I feel very proud. Yesterday in IOP we were talking about how we should affirm ourselves for being in recovery and staying sober and a lot of people were saying how they don't think it's something they should get patted on the back for because it's what normal people do. The thing is...we, as addicts are not normal so I do believe it's something we should affirm ourselves for. I don't have the desire to use most days, but when I do, it's not easy to abstain. So, I do pat myself on the back. I am more grateful than anything. I know without God none of this would be possible and I'm so happy I finally have surrendered to his will and love.
Sunday night was really rough. I had a great day Sunday though. My friend from my home group picks me up and we go to a women's meeting then go get coffee and then back for an NA meeting. I love hanging out with her. I don't hang out with a lot of girls lately and it's really getting to me. I need friends. I need someone I can talk to and relate to. I need girl time!! Anyways so that was awesome. Then later that night a friend I knew from rehab called me and said he was stuck on the side of the road because he had ran out of gas. So I was like okay I can come pick you up and take you to a gas station, but then the more I talked to him, I wasn't sure if he was sober. :/ I talked to my sponsor and she said it was not a good idea, but I had already told him I would come. I didn't think it would affect my sobriety even if he wasn't sober. So my brother and I went and when I got there I saw that he was not sober. It was really hard to see him that way. His drug of choice was hardcore and something I'd never encountered, thank God. So my brother and I drove him home. He was so gone, just so not even in this world. It was hard to see him like that after I'd only known him sober. :( But then something weird happened. I got jealous, I wanted to be "that" high. I had never been on that type of level of high. I know to all you normal people this sounds ridiculous, but to an addict it's normal. So I started craving. Nothing major, and I was able to make it go away because seeing him reminded me of how far my addiction can take me.
While lying in bed that night, I had a realization. I don't think God wants us as humans to be "high". To be on such a different level to where we are not even sane...to think we have all the answers. I don't know how to explain it but I'm pretty sure God does not want us to be high. Putting chemicals in our body to basically make us retarded. :/ I don't know it's a good way to think about it for me.
So anyways, things are going really well. Most days I don't want to use and I'm so grateful for that. I'm starting to enjoy normal life again and looking forward to all that life has to offer. :D
Thanks for reading. :D
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