So...thought I'd fill everyone in on what's going on. I relapsed last Wednesday night. I'm such an idiot. I had 34 days clean and sober and my dumb ass contacted an old using "friend". I say "friend" because he's actually an asshole that I should run away from. Anyways, I don't know what I was thinking getting in contact with him, but that's a whole other story. So anyways I went to his place and got high and I did the same thing the next night.
Somehow my mom found out...I have no idea how and it's still driving me crazy. They took my phone away, wouldn't let me on the computer and wouldn't let me drive anymore. They also told me that If I didn't get sober that I needed to find somewhere else to live. I don't blame them. I've put them through hell. They have given me more than enough chances to prove myself and I just keep stabbing them in the back. The sad thing is at the time I didn't care. I hit the "fuck it switch".
I called my boss to ask her to unfreeze my gym membership so I could come workout and she was like "your not coming back? We've been holding your position for you?" I was stunned and I told her I would let her know asap. So that made me feel so good. I started crying because someone that is not my family sees potential in me and that just really meant a lot to me. I'm terrified to go back to work so I was looking for an outpatient program. I went for an assessment and found out it's a 6 week program, four days a week, four hours a day. My first thoughts were "screw that, I wouldn't be able to get high for 6 weeks". Then the lady told me that I had to start my sobriety date all over, that I can't have one for drugs and one for alcohol. That pissed me off and I was like well if I would have known that I would have drank. She replied with, "only an addict would say that".
So I went home and told my parents I wasn't going to do that and that I would just go to a ton of meetings and go back to work. Then that night I went to a meeting and talked with my sponsor and decided I needed to do the program. So I decided to try this. Drugs will always be there, I can always go back, but why not just try the program and see if It makes me happy and if it doesn't work I can always go back out.
There is a huge part of me that wants to get sober, but I still struggle with not wanting to be sober. The biggest thing for me is I'm just so sick of fighting. As soon as the drugs and alcohol were out of my system all my ed thoughts came back up and I'm so sick of it. So on top of trying to get clean and sober I'm also dealing with ED again. I am just sabotaging myself. I know what I need to do. I know that I will be happier. I know that this guy, and drugs will lead me to my death. I know that if I screw up I will lose my family and friends once and for all. I know that if I go back out I'll probably end up being a crack whore. Unfortunately that's not a joke. I've never even done crack though, I just know that weed will not cut it after awhile and I'll probably try everything and then end up addicted to the hardcore stuff. I know all these things so why am I being stupid?
I hear a lot of people in AA talk about how they thought they were the "exception". They thought they could use and still live life. They just had to control it better and be more sneaky. Then they say how that didn't work and they just ended up worse off. I've been thinking "I'm the exception". I've been scheming plans inside my head of how I am going to live and still use. How my life can get back to normal, but I can still go get high. HA! I got it all figured out, huh? Nope, I know that will not work.
I didn't want to meet my sponsor yesterday, but I kicked myself in the ass and made myself go. Afterwards, I felt 10 times better and had some hope. I was completely honest with her. She has been through everything and more that I have. She understands me completely. She's almost 3 years sober. She struggled with bulimia and love addiction as well as drugs and alcohol just like me. She also has bipolar disorder, just like me. It's like I was talking to a smarter, sober, happier version of myself. I already love her. I told her how I'm not sure if I want to be sober and she said that's normal and that's okay. She suggested we get to working the steps and if I change my mind that's great and if not I can stop at any time and go back out.
I felt some hope. I went to two meetings last night and got more hope. People in AA are just amazing. They talk about how much better their lives are now and how they are happy and free. They talk about how the obsession and desire to use went away. They talk about how awesome the program is and how it worked for them. Meetings are my safe haven. As soon as I walk into the room I feel safe. Everyone in the room understands me. Strangers come up to me and I feel like I'm talking to long lost friends. I get my motivation in those rooms and I get my hope there.
So I'm actually trying now. I'm not going to lie and say "oh I can't wait to be clean and sober and I'm just so happy", because that's not how I feel at all. But I am going to try, wholeheartedly. I know what I need to do. My life has to revolve around recovery. I have to read the big book of AA, talk to my sponsor everyday, go to as many meetings as I can, make friends with fellow recovering addicts, and pray. These things seem so simple, but they are much easier to not do. I'm going to start a checklist for everyday and check off the things I did.
My life is on the line now. No, I didn't hit rock bottom, but a new friend of mine told me, "you can get off the elevator at any floor". That makes perfect sense to me. I don't have to go all the way down to the basement.
I love my family and friends, I don't act like it a lot, but I truly do. I do feel bad for everything I've done. I do want to have a relationship with these people again. I just hate how they seem to think that I can just flip a switch and be sober. It's not that simple. If it was I would have stopped drinking and using a long time ago. Heck, if it was that easy I wouldn't have a problem in the first place. It's a 24 hour struggle. I have a ton of work ahead of me. I don't expect everyone to act like everything's okay now and our relationships go back to normal. I just would like them to accept the fact that this is not easy and this time I actually am trying.
I feel all alone in this world, until I step into a meeting. I've been numb for so long, so feeling emotions is really hard for me. Last night I felt hurt. The kind of hurt when you have to let go of someone you love. It's a painful, painful feeling. I can't stand it. All I want to do is numb out. I know that is not the answer. I have to face this head on. I got in contact with a sober friend today and were going to try and meet up. She's such a great support to me. We are going through a lot of the same things amidst the addiction part. I'm going to journal about these feelings I'm having and see if I can pin point what's causing it.
I know this post was super long, sorry bout that, but I had to get all this out on "paper". I feel a little better, like I just took a rock off my shoulders. Thanks to all my readers. I appreciate your support.
