Boys, boys, boys

So recovery is hard for me because of this BIG problem I have. Well to you it might seem ridiculous like most of my "issues" but, this whole illness is ridiculous. So you are probably wondering what my BIG issue is. Well lets see if I can explain it.

    As you probably have already assumed I have really low self esteem. Ive had this issue most of my life I'm thinking like since 3rd grade and with age it progressed from moderate low self esteem to self hate and loathing. See the thing is I felt as if I was never the "pretty one", then with age I was never the "hot one", you know the girls that guys liked. I was always just blah. I had no sex appeal at all, well that's how I felt. Like any young girl I longed for guys to like me. I wanted to be asked out and such. The fact is looking back now I really don't know why I never got asked out. Was it because I was in fact ugly or fat? Or was it because I was terribly shy and afraid of boys. I noticed how other girls that wouldn't be stereotyped as "pretty ones", "hot ones", would have boyfriends, so what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I get a boyfriend? I really don't know what it was. I never will.
    So as time went on I finally got asked out at age17. I was ecstatic of course because it was actually a guy I really, really liked. Then as life would have it he decided to go another direction. A girl that had major sex appeal loured him away. So I of course read into this way deep and came up with the following conclusions:
*I was not attractive
*The only reason he asked me out is because he was desperate
*I sucked at having sex appeal and also had a boring personality
*I would never be attractive to a guy unless I was thin

So of course all these assumptions stayed with me. To this day I believe that I will never find a guy that likes me because I'm not thin, attractive, pretty, sexy, and the list goes on. I feel like if I was thin then I could have any guy I wanted. If I was thin life would be so much better. Well that's false all in itself. I know rationally being thin has nothing to do with being happy. It just doesn't matter. If I am unhappy with myself and feel like I will never be good enough even when I am thin I will still not be happy or good enough. This is still hard for me to believe. I don't know why, I'm just so stuck in believing that being thin is the ultimate goal and answer to life's happiness. It's crazy I know.
    I've been learning through this whole process of recovery that I have to learn to love who I am. So who am I? I recently have been making a lot of progress in learning to love myself for things other than my appearance. I even came up with a long list of all the good things about me, my talents, my qualities, my traits, and to my surprise the list was pretty long. Looking at that piece of paper I feel very content with the person explained on it. She's great quite honestly. Try not to assume I'm becoming coincided....that is a long shot. Anyways so I was getting more comfortable in my skin. I know that the way I look does not determine who I am and what I am capable of. The way I look has nothing to do with my happiness. So the whole point of this post is this. I was making progress and feeling really good about myself...then it happened.
    This is the BIG problem...boys. I don't know what it is but being around attractive guys makes me feel like complete trash. All my insecurities come up and I am flooded by torturous thoughts. Here are some examples of how I feel  and/or think:
"I am so fat and ugly, no guy will ever like me"
"I bet if I looked like her they would like me"
"why do I even like this guy? I know he would never be with me"
"he probably thinks I'm gross"
"I probably shouldn't eat in front of this guy"
"I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about a guy, I know they will never like me."

So I feel like shit and when this happens Ed's voice gets really loud. All I can think about is how I need to lose weight, how ugly I am, how better life would be if I was thin and so the cycle continues. The thing is I can't be around guys, no matter what their intentions I twist everything and it severely triggers me. Recently one of my exes who just broke up with his fiance' btw...started talking to me, mind you we haven't talked in years. So I carry a convo over the internet with him like I would any friend and I immediately let him know I am not interested in dating bc honestly I'm not an idiot, exes don't just come up from out of the blue just to be friends. I did this to protect myself because one I don't even like him and two I didn't want any drama with him thinking I was leading him on just because I'm nice. So anyways he assured me that, that was not his intentions he just wanted to be friends. So the next day we talk some more and again I am friendly and non flirty. He then ask me if I want to get dinner. I'm shocked, I handle the situation by kindly reiterating that I'm not interested and move on. Of course after I turn him down he stops talking to me altogether. So you are probably wondering why I have told you this story. Well, the thing I said earlier about how guys trigger me, this is it. From that alone this is what Ed saw between the lines...
"wow, he just gets out of a relationship and he wants a rebound"
"he probably thinks I'm easy"
"he probably thinks I'm desperate"
I felt worthless and disrespected, I felt like he thought I would be desperate because of how ugly I am.

The thing is I don't know if any of this is true...I hope not but I don't really care, the thing is guys make me feel like shit. No matter what their intentions are, no matter what they say or do not say, I twist it so many times in my head and the outcome is me feeling like shit. I hate this. It sucks and I don't really know how to handle it. So...knowing this is a huge trigger I have to be very careful not to get into a guy or guys. Since I've been in recovery having a relationship or even just dating is the last thing on my mind. I'm finally not needing guys validating my self worth. I know that my self worth has nothing to do with how many guys like me or think I'm pretty etc. Even though knowing all this I have to be careful not to be around guys that I know will make me feel this way. The thing is, I can't not be around guys, life doesn't work that way. There will always be a time where I am around an attractive guy or when feelings come up for a guy. How do I handle this, I honestly have no idea. This will be something my therapist and I talk about next week. I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be something like "When you truly love yourself, you will not have these insecurities." So I will continue to work on learning to love myself and be happy with who I am. Oh, the whole reason I even thought to post about this is because tonight I was hanging around a guy I have a crush on. I have tried so so hard not to like this guy and to rationalize not having feelings for him but, no matter what I tell myself I cannot shake how I feel about him. It's something that will never happen and its not like oh it's meant to be, I'm sure it's just a silly crush but, being around him made all these feelings come up so I thought I'd blog about it before I decided that I need to spend three hours at the gym everyday next week. lol until next time.
Wish me luck. One more step is one more less I have to go.

Relapse 2

This an older post I forgot to publish...it was what happened before I learned about my relapses.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.
Last night I was stressed out. I thought I was fine but, obliviously I wasn't.
Out of nowhere Ed came to visit me. First Ed told me, "you screwed up today, and you're really stressed out why not buy some alcohol, that will make you feel better, won't it?
Me:No, no, no. I don't need alcohol I'm fine.
Ed:tapping his fingers on his wrapped hands, smirking, "Well aren't you hungry, you've been restricting all day, maybe just a litte burger would be good.
Me:Wait Ed, I can have a burger?
Ed: of course you can, you can have whatever you want, but if you eat that you will have to purge.
Me: Yeah, I thought so.
Ed:Well Holly, go ahead and eat as much as you want if you're going to purge anyways. You sucked really bad yesterday and today, might as well end with a big bang, right?
Me: Well I really don't want fast food, but the thought of binging and purging feels really enticing...
And just like that I listened to ED.  

The above dialogue probably seems ridiculous, reading it now , It's really ridiculous. If I had been in my right frame of mind I probably would have seen Ed trying to wrap his greasy paws on me. Ugh! I'm feeling so so angry right now. Why won't he just leave me alone already. I've made so much progress. I'm sick of being his puppet. I want to be free. A few weeks ago I was feeling free. I was feeling so free and I was doing great. Then comes a little stress and BAM! Ed sinks his claws in me and says he will help take it away.
 I was like man I should buy some alcohol, then I was like no, no, no, I don't need that. Then second that popped in my head was buy some fast food. You haven't had it in forever, what would one little item be. Then I thought well if you eat this you will have to purge, no way you can eat fast food and not purge, second thought, Okay so I might as well binge...and that was that, I 'm going to binge and purge.

     I don't understand it. Writing this now I'm just so confused why did I do that? I feel like I was literally not in the right frame of mind. So...that's the tricky part about ED he can jump out of nowhere and just take control.

I know why this happened. I have not been practicing my mindfulness. Mindfulness activities slow my thinking and help me to have more control over my mind. It slows my thinking so that when thoughts like this come up I can easily separate them from irrational to rational.