Step 3 Workbook.

Look back at your list in question 3 of step one. There you listed some things you can control and some things you can't. Using the serenity Prayer as your guide, check your list. Would you move anything from one column to the other? Can you think of anything you might add?

So you guys can look back at my post of step one. I wouldn't change anything.

Try to add three more things that ou can't control and three more things you can. Remember: You can't control your own actions and attitudes.
I cannot control stupid people being stupid.
I can't control policies at my job haha
I can't control the choices of others.  

I can control the way I act on emotions.
I can control my actions when it comes to temptation.

Seriously, I really can't think of much I can control. That sucks, because it feels like crap to be out of control.

So the workbook says we often have to surrender one day or even one hour at a time.
For me I need to work on surrendering to recovery. The way I surrender is to eat a meal. Defuse ed thoughts, and stay away from triggers. I know if I can't face tomorrow I can just surrender one hour at a time, one meal at a time, etc. So yeah that's the plan. Going to meetings, talking to my therapist, blogging, following my meal plans, these are all things that help me surrender to recovery.

Next it says that most of us need never learned how to make wise decisions, yep that's me. Haha. So it says to pick an area of your life that you would like to turn over to the care of your higher power. Holy crap! There are a ton of areas I need to turn over to God. So I pick the way I use my money.

I continue to blow money on the dumbest things. Whether it be food, clothes, makeup, or anything else useless. I get really happy when I have money and I feel free. Then I'm out of money and I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I'm trying to work on this, it's really hard because I've lived this way ever since I've had a job so that's a long time having a bad habbit, so yeah it's going to be really hard to break. oy! I guess I should just pray about it. Yeah, duh I need to pray about it.

What does your friends, family, and sponsor say about this behavior?
My friends and family constantly say I need to be more responsible with my money and not make such irresponsible decisions.

How do you feel about this behavior?
It's embarrassing. I can't go anywhere in life when I constantly blow money. I wish I didn't have this issue. I wish I could have more willpower when It comes to spending.

Ugh I freaking hate step 3.

Next question what do you conclude, observe about this behavior?
I conclude that I'm so terrified of being poor that I pretend to be rich. Haha. Gosh , I have no freaking idea. I'm addicted to shopping? This is stupid I really don't know.

Look over your previous answers. What action will you take in light of this situation?
I will try to be more responsible with my money.
I will make a budget and have someone hold me accountable.
I will pay all my bills first and then put money aside to save so that I can move out.

Well that's step 3. I hated doing step 3, what do you guys think? Do you see something I'm missing?
As always thanks for reading. :)

Step 3...Finally!

Alrighty so I finally read step 3 again and I now know why step 3 is hard for me.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.  

      So step three is all about surrendering. To me and to most people surrendering feels like submission. I'm all about not being submissive. I don't like being told what to do and I don't like needing peoples help. I like to do things on my own. I feel that if I need to depend on people or need help that I have failed and I'm not capable of doing it on my own. So I feel like I cannot recover on my own. Like I need God's help. Okay I know I sound like a complete idiot and this does not make sense.

     I love God, I have faith and I know I need him. So why am I acting like I don't? Growing up I lived a very submissive life. This is due to the religion I grew up in. There were so many "standards" I was to follow that had to do with mostly outward appearance or what people saw or knew about you. I was always submissive...even when I didn't wanna be or even when I didn't agree with these "standards". I guess that's another reason why I'm so against being submissive.

     Also, I grew up in a family where becoming a stay at home mom and depending on a man to take care of you was what was expected. I'm so against that being expected from women. I want to have a career and make my own money. LOL

So I need to come to terms with the fact that surrendering is giving up something I have no control of in order to have control of the things I can. It's so hard for me to let go of this freaking eating disorder. I just feel like if I give it up I'm going to lose control. UGH this is so frustrating. Well anyways I'm going to do the work to step 3 and I'll post it. As always thanks for reading. :)

AGHHHH CRAP!!

     I knew this would happen. I just knew if I let go of restricting that I would lose control. This is so annoying. I was doing so good eating normal and then BAM! I lose control and I'm not afraid of food so now I just have been eating bad.

     I binged today. :( It was really bad. :( I feel like such a disgusting fat pig. Oh wait, I am a disgusting fat pig. I hate myself right now. Why is this happening? What triggered it? I know all my triggers and nothing has happened that would trigger me. I guess I'm just a fat pig who likes to eat too much. UGH! So yeah, someone tell me why I would want to eat "normal" if I can't. Why can't I just restrict? I don't wanna let go of ED, he keeps me from losing control. I need to gain control. I already have planned to not eat tomorrow and workout for like 3 hours. I need to do this. I have messed up and I need to fix it. And to all my friends who want to lecture me, save your breath. I'm not going to listen to anyone this is stupid. Really stupid. UGH I'm so pissed off at myself. Why am I such a fat pig? WHY?

     I know to all of my readers I probably sound ridiculous and not myself, but I just am so mad at this whole recovery crap. I plan on getting back on track, but first I need to fix this mistake. I wanted to purge so bad and then I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I just wasn't willing to do it. Which is also embarrassing that I kept that food in me.

     I can't wait to see my therapist I really need her help. I don't know how to get out of this rut on my own. I keep putting off reading step 3, I might do it tonight, Idk. I know I need to do it. Usually reading recovery related things gets me back on track. I also have another book by Jenni Schaefer called, "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." I should probably read that as well. I'm going to get back on track because I know I am heading down the path to a full on relapse and my life is just getting back on track I don't want to have to stop and do recovery again. I can't. I have too much to live for, I don't have time to waste on treatment. I know what I need to do, I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it. Okay well I'm done babbling tonight. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks again to all my readers.