Relapse 2

This an older post I forgot to publish...it was what happened before I learned about my relapses.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.
Last night I was stressed out. I thought I was fine but, obliviously I wasn't.
Out of nowhere Ed came to visit me. First Ed told me, "you screwed up today, and you're really stressed out why not buy some alcohol, that will make you feel better, won't it?
Me:No, no, no. I don't need alcohol I'm fine.
Ed:tapping his fingers on his wrapped hands, smirking, "Well aren't you hungry, you've been restricting all day, maybe just a litte burger would be good.
Me:Wait Ed, I can have a burger?
Ed: of course you can, you can have whatever you want, but if you eat that you will have to purge.
Me: Yeah, I thought so.
Ed:Well Holly, go ahead and eat as much as you want if you're going to purge anyways. You sucked really bad yesterday and today, might as well end with a big bang, right?
Me: Well I really don't want fast food, but the thought of binging and purging feels really enticing...
And just like that I listened to ED.  

The above dialogue probably seems ridiculous, reading it now , It's really ridiculous. If I had been in my right frame of mind I probably would have seen Ed trying to wrap his greasy paws on me. Ugh! I'm feeling so so angry right now. Why won't he just leave me alone already. I've made so much progress. I'm sick of being his puppet. I want to be free. A few weeks ago I was feeling free. I was feeling so free and I was doing great. Then comes a little stress and BAM! Ed sinks his claws in me and says he will help take it away.
 I was like man I should buy some alcohol, then I was like no, no, no, I don't need that. Then second that popped in my head was buy some fast food. You haven't had it in forever, what would one little item be. Then I thought well if you eat this you will have to purge, no way you can eat fast food and not purge, second thought, Okay so I might as well binge...and that was that, I 'm going to binge and purge.

     I don't understand it. Writing this now I'm just so confused why did I do that? I feel like I was literally not in the right frame of mind. So...that's the tricky part about ED he can jump out of nowhere and just take control.

I know why this happened. I have not been practicing my mindfulness. Mindfulness activities slow my thinking and help me to have more control over my mind. It slows my thinking so that when thoughts like this come up I can easily separate them from irrational to rational.