Hi guys,
Every morning I wake up make my coffee and go to the porch to smoke. It's my favorite time of day. It's my quiet time plus the morning cigarette is always the best. Ugh I can't believe I smoke. Idk how I'm going to quit. Anyways. This morning I woke up and thought you know I don't like the person I have been the past few weeks. I don't want to be that girl. No ambition, just going through the motions without a purpose. When I first came home from treatment I liked that girl, I had a purpose,I had plans. . I want to be that girl again. So today I start to be that person. I'm going to read step 3 again and get ready to meet my sponsor and I'm going to pray. I'm going to get back on track and work on the things that are going to make me a better person.
I'm going to invest more time in my blog. I'm going to get my priorities in order and be the person I want to be. Part of recovering is learning your values and that's what helps you to recover by living by your values. The past two or three weeks I have not been doing that so of course I've been off track. I realize that most people my age, like to party and that's how they live life, well as fun as that can be it's not the lifestyle I want to live. It's just not me. It goes against all my values. So, I'm not your typical 23 year old well I don't care. I'm going to start spending more time with the people who will bring me up, not down. I recently made friends with a few people and although they are lovely people they are not the kind of people I need to be hanging out with. They live to party and that's just not my lifestyle. I have a purpose and it's time I start acting like it.
I know my family is ashamed of me and I have embarrassed them as well as hurt them and I need to apologize. :/ I hate this, but I know it's the right thing to do. So I'm going to apologize to my parents. This is not going to be easy because I hate being wrong and admitting so, but I owe them that.
The other night when I went out with my friends and got wasted I ended up letting some random guy take me home. I couldn't drive for obvious reasons, but instead of letting my friends take me home I decided this other guy could. He was with the people I was hanging out with, but still I barely knew him. This was such a stupid decision. I could have been raped or worse. Luckily, nothing happened and I got home safely. I now regret the stupid decisions I made and I am very ashamed. All I can do is change now and learn from my mistakes. I know what I need to be doing and it's time I do so.
I have a car and a job so I have no excuses to not go to meetings. I am going to meet with my sponsor Sunday night. I am also going to plan to go to AA one night next week. The reason being drunk is fun is I don't have to worry about anything, all my problems go out the door and I can just be stupid. Well, I know if I keep it up I'll be on my way to alcoholism and the fact that I can't resist temptation is a sign that I need to go to AA. No I'm not a full on alcoholic, but why not be preventive by going to AA? So that's the plan.
To all my readers I apologize for being a bad influence and going against my values in turn making myself look like a fool and not being a good influence. I'm not sure what else to say, but today I'm starting over. I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but today is the day for real.
As far as eating disorder behaviors go I have been all over the place. Since the last time I binged and purged, I haven't since. I have been focused on weight and food though and I know I shouldn't focus on those things. I just need to eat healthy and workout in moderation. I still long for that perfect body, but I know in the long run it's not going to make me happy and solve all my problems. So anyways that's today and I am excited to start fresh, again.
Tonight I am going out to dinner with some family and friends and I can't wait. It will be so fun. I hope to have some recovery stories soon and more good news. Thank you to all my readers. :)
May God bless you all <3
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