AGHHHH CRAP!!

     I knew this would happen. I just knew if I let go of restricting that I would lose control. This is so annoying. I was doing so good eating normal and then BAM! I lose control and I'm not afraid of food so now I just have been eating bad.

     I binged today. :( It was really bad. :( I feel like such a disgusting fat pig. Oh wait, I am a disgusting fat pig. I hate myself right now. Why is this happening? What triggered it? I know all my triggers and nothing has happened that would trigger me. I guess I'm just a fat pig who likes to eat too much. UGH! So yeah, someone tell me why I would want to eat "normal" if I can't. Why can't I just restrict? I don't wanna let go of ED, he keeps me from losing control. I need to gain control. I already have planned to not eat tomorrow and workout for like 3 hours. I need to do this. I have messed up and I need to fix it. And to all my friends who want to lecture me, save your breath. I'm not going to listen to anyone this is stupid. Really stupid. UGH I'm so pissed off at myself. Why am I such a fat pig? WHY?

     I know to all of my readers I probably sound ridiculous and not myself, but I just am so mad at this whole recovery crap. I plan on getting back on track, but first I need to fix this mistake. I wanted to purge so bad and then I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I just wasn't willing to do it. Which is also embarrassing that I kept that food in me.

     I can't wait to see my therapist I really need her help. I don't know how to get out of this rut on my own. I keep putting off reading step 3, I might do it tonight, Idk. I know I need to do it. Usually reading recovery related things gets me back on track. I also have another book by Jenni Schaefer called, "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." I should probably read that as well. I'm going to get back on track because I know I am heading down the path to a full on relapse and my life is just getting back on track I don't want to have to stop and do recovery again. I can't. I have too much to live for, I don't have time to waste on treatment. I know what I need to do, I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it. Okay well I'm done babbling tonight. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks again to all my readers.