Saying goodbye

     

Saying goodbye!
 Tuesday in group we talked about the stage in recovery when eating is under control and it's actually time to say goodbye to your ed. Now logically you would think this would be easy. Especially because all the turmoil your ed put you through, everything it stole from you, all the harm it did to your body, all the people it hurt, all the lonely nights laying in bed with stomach pains too afraid to go to the kitchen for fear of binging so you just lay in bed praying you can fall asleep. Then waking up in the morning paralyzed in bed because you are terrified you have gained weight and you have to weigh as soon as you get up but, if you gained you can bet your bottom ed will cause havoc in your day. So....why is it hard to say goodbye?

Your not just saying goodbye to all the bad your saying goodbye to all the "good", to all you know, to the only way you have lived life for years. I know anyone not suffering from ed, most likely will not understand so I will try my best to explain.

Having an eating disorder...we feel empowered by ED, he makes us feel competent, so I didn't make the grade I wanted on that test, Ed tells me "Holly, it's okay, at least you skipped lunch, good job". Screw up at work Ed tells me, "Holly its okay just don't eat the rest of the day, that will make you feel better". Get rejected by a guy, "Holly it's because your fat and I know that makes you sad so why don't you go buy a dozen of donuts stuff your face and then puke it all up, you know that high you get from purging, that will make you feel better".

Every time we starve, over exercise, purge, Ed commends us, makes us feel superior to everyone else. When we sit and watch others eat, Ed tells us, you're so much stronger than them, you don't have to eat. When were lonely Ed comforts us and tells us once your thin you will be so popular and happy. When we feel like a failure Ed tells us it's okay you can fast for a few days and feel so accomplished.

After living with Ed for so long, it's hard to imagine your life without him. What will you do if life doesn't go your way if Ed is not there to save the day. Who are you without Ed? How will you do life without ED? Here is an inside look of my session with my therapist on Tuesday.

I told her I feel like I'm not ready to let go all the way. I told her I think that's why I've been restricting for so long lately. I'm not sure if I can say goodbye. Then I started to sob, I kept saying, "I just don't know.....I don't know...I don't know what life will be like. I've had this for almost 5 years, how do I live without it, I just don't know". She replied that what I was feeling is normal and that it's time for me to grieve the loss of my eating disorder. She said like when grieving for a loved one you will go through the 5 stages of grieving. I just sat there, tears rolling down my face staring at the floor. I finally looked up at her and started talking about how I should be excited to live life without Ed, I should be happy that I won't be having stomach pains from not eating, that I won't be a raging bitch because I'm starving, that I won't be so tired and grumpy, that I won't have headaches and aches all over, that I won't have muscle cramps. I continued to tell her, I can't imagine going to work all day and not eating and that I could not imagine staying up half the night puking my guts up and then going to work the next morning, so why do I feel like life is going to be hard without Ed?

Life without Ed is the unknown, literally. I have no idea what my life will be like without ed. I have absolutely no idea and honestly that's scary. I already miss him. After my therapist told me I will go through the five stages of grieving I reflected on the past month or so and I realized, Woah! I have. I have gone through denial, anger, oh man lots of anger, bargaining, and right now what I'm feeling this sadness this fear is depression. So I am on my way to saying goodbye. Soon I will be writing my goodbye letter to Ed because life has to be better without him and although I fear it, I also look forward to it. 

 ~You've done all the things that could kill you somehow ~
And you're so far down,
But you will survive this somehow,
Because life starts now

Update!!!

So I am way behind on post...sorry guys, I've been super busy lately.
     So Friday Nov. 9th, I got a call qrom my gym, asking me to come in for an interview! I was so ecstatic, I had applied there awhile back. This is another job btw then the other one I had applied at. So a little info. My gym is like 10 min down the road, it's a womens only gym, it has all the amenities you can imagine and free child care. :)
     So Friday I went on the interview and it went great. Friday night I got a call saying I got the job and I start Monday!!! Okay guys, this such a huge huge huge blessing. My position is in sales so basically, I'm in charge of getting people to join the gym. :D
      So Monday, my boss and I went to Kroger to do what's called an onsite. It's when the gym has an amazing promotion and we sign people up right there. This was fun, my boss is really cool btw. So I ended up signing up quite a few people and my boss left me there the last hour alone and I sold 4 more. This made me feel so so great, because she already trusted me. I got commended on my first day which made me feel even better.
     Last week my therapist told me that I could come one last week and they wouldn't worry about the cost but, fortunately they got my insurance to cover. So the next step is getting my insurance to do a single case agreement for me to do outpatient, which would be just me getting to see the same dietician and therapist. Right now I am in IOP which is Intensive Outpatient. So the fantastic news is I get to spend hours on the phone with my insurance company bugging them like crazy to get them to approve this. FYI insurance SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you have an eating disorder. This is why I am so passionate about ED awareness. The more awareness there is then the doctors and insurance companies will have no other choice to offer more care. I'll write another post on this alone!

So that's the current on my life. I'm going to write another post on more updates. I don't like to make post too long b/c I know nobody wants to read a lonnnnnng post about me blabbering on my life lol.

After math of last post

Okay guys,                              Nov. 7th
      So I got a lot of bad information this past week. Here's an overview
*Found out my insurance is no longer going to pay for outpatient. 
*Went to an interview for a great full time job and found out It wont be possible for me to start b/c of car issues. 
*Have been restricting lately :(

Remember in my last post how I was talking about not being able to fully trust God etc?

Well last night...I prayed a very simple prayer. I prayed for freedom of this disease, the motivation to recover, and I asked God to help me to trust him and to help me give my life to him. 

This morning I woke up and received a call from someone interested in buying my car. So I decided to go on a second interview for the job. My neighbor is selling her car for the amount I'm selling mine. So the day went on and the guy is coming by my house tonight to buy my car. If I get the job I am going to buy my neighbors car. :) 

So the good news is next week is my last week in outpatient, wait that's not good news. lol The good news is that if I do in fact get the job I will have so many benefits for my recovery being that I won't be able to go to outpatient anymore.

*I will get a full time job to keep me busy
*I will have a car and gas money to go to as many EDA and AA meetings as possible. 
*I can meet with my sponsor and continue my 12 steps.
*This job offers me one day off during the week and then I get to choose what day on the weekend I want to work. 
*On my day off I can schedule all my appointments ie; Therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician. 
*Sense I will no longer be in the outpatient program I will have to find a new therapist and dietician :( I hate this part b/c I love my current ones soooooo sooooo much. :(
*the good part is with a full time job I can afford a dietician. They are pricey bc my insurance might not cover it bc I don't have diabetes. Oh the perks of trying to get better. ;) 
 *Also with a full time job I can afford to start boxing lessons! 

Also I enrolled in a beauty school yesterday, just waiting to find out how much it cost and if I will in fact be able to start in January or not. So lots of good things are coming out of this. My point is I prayed for God to help me trust him and he has opened so many doors for me just in one day. :D I am so so so grateful to God. I am just beyond gratitude. :D 

I feel like I am finally getting my life back and can start living to the fullest amidst my recovery.

I am just so grateful and excited I wanted to share with you guys the grace of God and his goodness! :D