"the story"

     Okay, so first thing is I hacked into my computer. Freaking awesome. I just love google. I feel super smart right now. My parents put a password on the computer so I wouldn't have contact with "boys" or "dealers". Which okay, I did give them plenty of reasons to take such drastic measures. But what it all comes down to is if I want to do something I'm going to do it. It doesn't matter what they do or say...I have to want to change in order to do so. Now of course these restrictions make it a lot harder to do what I want, but why not let my parents feel like they have a little control, right? Wow, I sound like a manipulating bitch. Yikes! I really have a lot to work on. 

     I really am trying to get better though in the past 3 days I've had three opportunities to use and I didn't. I'm really proud of myself...for me that's progress. I am working the steps, I go to two meetings a day. I have an amazing sponsor who I actually talk to everyday. Even if I don't feel like going to a meeting or talking with my sponsor I make myself do it because these are the things that keep me sober and I know I will always feel so much better. 

     So yesterday was really tough. I just keep shooting myself in the foot, over and over again. I know this "something" is bad for me and I just keep going back to it. I know it will make me miserable in the end, but I justify, and make excuses, and ultimately lie to myself. It's really ridiculous. I want to smack myself in the face. Oh and just to clarify this "something" is a guy. 

     So a little background, he's just a guy I casually hooked up with and then we decided to be friends with benefits. Of course I wanted more, but I pretended to be okay with that because if that's all I could get I'd take it. This guy had me wrapped around his finger from the get go. I'll never ever understand this I don't think. So for like 7 days in a row we saw each other every night. I drove an hour to see him and we'd just get fucked up and have our "benefits". He constantly talked down to me and insulted me and then follow it up with something sweet. For some reason the fact that he was so out of my reach kept me wanting him anymore. The fact that he did not think I was good enough made me want to strive to be good enough for him. So, yeah, I'm infatuated with him. After we saw each other last oh and btw it's cause he got into a relationship we texted for a bit and then he ignored me and so yeah I just went on with my life. So that whole shpill was in January.

      Life went on, and two weeks later I started dating another guy, who actually liked me and treated me very well. He as well drank and smoked pot and so for about two weeks we saw each other almost everyday. I would go to his house after work and get fucked up and then black out. So my addiction progressed. One night we were hanging out and he was like "so you wanna try some other stuff?" and I was like "uh, Yeah!" From that moment on I knew I needed to get my shit together or there was no telling where my life would end up. I mean no one that does hardcore drugs is successful and I don't say that to be insulting, but it's the truth. I never thought I'd smoke weed and then I started smoking everyday and so the thought of starting another drug just scared me and I'm glad it did. So, a few days later I decided I wanted to get sober. So I broke up with him and he did not take it well at all.

     I tried to get sober on my own. I talked with my therapist, who hooked me up with a lady with years of sobriety. This lady invited me to my very first AA meeting. She was extremely nice and after everyone shared at the meeting I knew I had a problem. My addiction had not progressed very much, but I knew it definitely would If I didn't get help. That night I left and got drunk. Clever right? I just couldn't say no. I finally somehow went four days without drinking. Those four days were miserable. I felt sick, being sober was so unbearable. I was crawling in my skin. It was hard for me to fall asleep because I hadn't had to fall asleep for so long because I blacked out every night. I was crawling in my skin. All I could think about was how bad I wanted to drink. I was constantly irritated and would break down in tears randomly. I hated myself sober. I couldn't stand to be sober. The fifth day, I couldn't take it anymore, I went out on a date and we went to a bar. I drank 3 beers. I wanted to drink so much more, but I was on a date and I didn't want him to judge me for drinking a ton. We didn't leave the bar in time for me to buy beer on the way home so I had to go home with barely even a buzz. This was annoying. I've never been able to just have a few. It was all or nothing, well it was always all. 

     So I finally decided I couldn't stop on my own. I was scared. I'd done a lot of horrible things the past three months while I was using. I would look in the mirror and not even know who I was looking at. I was just a shell of a human being, looking normal but totally oblivious to life around me. Things were already really bad only after 3 months of using. I didn't pay my bills, I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I was going to use again. I ignored my family. I was hardly ever home. I would always be somewhere getting fucked up. I went to another AA meeting at the place I would soon go to treatment at. The whole time I just wanted to cry. I was a mess. I was an addict and I knew it. This is what my life came down to, another battle. I'd be going to another rehab within not even a year of my last one. After the meeting I went to a sober friends house. I bought two beers on the way and chugged them in the parking lot. I hadn't drank all day and I couldn't not drink. I sat in her apartment and balled my eyes out. I was not me anymore. I was so lost. She started crying as well. She said she didn't know who I was anymore. It really broke my heart to see her crying for me. Another time my sister told me she felt like she lost her sister and that she hadn't had a sister in a long time. That really woke me up. 

     So anyways, I went to rehab. I spent my every last penny paying for my deductible. I spent 29 days there. When I got out, I immediately wanted to use. The cravings were so strong. I was scared and found meetings and started going to as many as I could in one day. I got home on a Friday and the following Wednesday I decided to msg "the something". I honestly to this day have no idea why I did it. I guess it was just because I knew he had weed and I really wanted to get high. We started talking and long story short that night I lied to my parents about going to two meetings and went and got high with him. And so the infatuation begins again. The next night I did the same thing. Then he said we couldn't hang out again because he was going to ask this girl to be his gf. Within one time of seeing him I became just as obsessed if not more as I was the last time. 

     This guy is no good. He's an alcoholic, pot head. He for the most part does not give a shit about me. I know he's only using me for sex when he's desperate for it. He drives me insane. Ever since then I have not been able to get him out of my head. It's seriously a problem. I msg him on facebook and we text, then we decided we shouldn't talk anymore. He admitted he was bad for me and I deleted his number and blocked him on facebook. That didn't last very long. When I couldn't take it anymore, I unblocked him and msg him. I told him how I was going back to rehab and we should get high one more time and he said maybe next week because his girlfriend would be out of town. We were not going to be physical btw, I would never be "the other woman". So anyways, I continued to make progress in my recovery. I told my sponsor the plan and I told her that I would need a lot of help those few days to not go over there. I made a plan and I started to feel confident that I was not going to relapse. 

     Yesterday, I found out I was going to rehab today and my addict mind started racing, scheming all kinds of "fun" stuff to do before going back in. I only had 11 days, I told myself, why not get fucked up one last time before I quit forever?  So yesterday I contacted "the something". I told him I was going to rehab and how tonight would be my last time to get high. I had finally started to make some progress in not thinking about him as much and what do I do? I go and shoot myself in the foot again. We had an actual conversation about how he needed help with his drinking and my heart ached for him. I immediately though, oh I can save him which is totally an illusion. After speaking to him for like all of maybe 10 minutes, my heart raced, I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and I felt like someone was twisting the insides of my chest. It was miserable. I was miserable. All I could think about was him. I immediately wanted to use really bad. I couldn't stand the way I felt. I wanted to do anything to change it. 

     I met with my sponsor shortly after and before I even said anything she said, "you talked to him?". She's so much like me that she can just sense all this stuff. So I vented to her about it and we started to make plans about how I was not going to go use with him. Fortunately, he didn't want me to come over after all, but that was not going to stop me from using. My mind started scheming more plans of how I was going to get a fix. I was so close to hitting the fuck it switch. My sponsor told me that no matter what the topic was in the AA meeting that I needed to share this. And low and behold the guy leading the meeting asked, "does anyone have a topic they would like to talk about, because they might go drink?". I immediately raised my hand and explained in a very brief description what was going on. Then he was like "wow, I had the same kinda thing happen and this is what I found in the book", he preceded to read. Then the whole meeting everyone was giving me advice on how to stay sober tonight. I was so overwhelmed with gratefulness. It's amazing how God works. I just love AA. 

     More shit happened and I just really still wanted to use, but I didn't and I am so proud of myself. So today I will be going back to rehab. 

     So the whole reason this post started is because I woke up in the middle of the night around 3am, again...this has been going on for about two weeks. I can't sleep and when I do I dream about "the something". It's so freaking annoying. I just want to be freed from this infatuation. Anyways hopefully being away in treatment for a few days will help. To anyone who read this whole thing. WOW! I love you. I know it turned into a story, but man it felt good to get all of this down on "paper". Thanks as always to all my readers. Wish me luck in my journey to sobriety. :D

    







 

update

       So I'm going for an assessment tomorrow at the rehab I was in to come back. I don't need inpatient but its the only way I can get to php and not have to pay. I'm wondering if maybe they will just put me in PHP without having to do inpatient that would be great. But if I do have to do inpatient it will just be for a few days. My boss wants me to come back to work, but I'm really scared. I feel like I need to be an adult, suck it up and get back to work. I'm just scared because stress is my biggest trigger and my job is really stressful. I feel like how I feel about it does not matter because I need to take care of my finances so I just need to deal with it. So I'll probably start working on the weekends.

     My family thinks I shouldn't go back to work just yet. So it's either be stressed about not having money or be stressed from making money. EEK! I'm really proud of myself for staying sober. God is really helping me not have a desire to use. I love AA meetings I feel safe there and they really help me to stay sober.

     My parents are wanting to go back to church so now they are going to be on that. I think its great that they want to go to church, but they get all worked up about it and then start judging me for the most ridiculous things and I just don't need that right now. As I'm writing this I can't help but think of what some of my friends would say...and I feel like I have to justify my feelings. Another perspective is always great but I am entitled to feel however I want and I shouldn't feel the need to justify my feelings.

     The religion I grew up in is just not for me. I don't care about religion any more. I care about my relationship with God and my spirituality. I want to have a relationship with God and I want to be a good person, but I don't need religion for that. Now that my parents are wanting to go back to their beliefs they are going to force it on me and I'm very resentful to the way I grew up. I know I need to work on that and try not to be so bitter. It's just a lot of really screwed up things were done to my family and to others "in the church". I don't believe a man has the right to dictate your life. I was one of those people that did wrong and judged others simply by how they looked and I regret that. I don't want to ever be like that again. God is a just God and he does not care how you look. Sheesh, it's just the most ridiculous thing ever. I refuse to comply to those standards. There are so many wonderful people in this world and just because they don't look a certain way...they are going to hell? I think not. Anyways I really think the religion I grew up in is like a cult and it disgust me. Sorry I needed to vent about that. Anyways I'm done.

     One of the hardest things about recovery is feeling. For so long I numbed myself out. I never dealt with bad feelings because I'd just get drunk and high and push them deep down. Now I can't turn to a bottle or pipe when I feel bad. I have to find out where the feeling is coming from and just sit with it. This may sound like an easy thing to do. It's just I'm not used to feeling and I hate feeling bad. Who doesn't? I mean I have to relearn how to live life on life's terms. There are going to be things that make me sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc but I just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I'm working on it. So anyways, things are going good and that's all I have for now. Thanks as always for reading. Much love! :D

It's happening!

So I'm finally making some progress and seeing more hope. Not gonna lie things still get really rough, but I'm able to handle it. Okay seriously, everyone should have a sponsor for life. It's awesome to have someone to talk to whenever you need them...like they are just always there for you. And mine is so great because it's like she's a sober version of me. :D

     So like I'm going back to treatment for a few days just so I can get stepped down to php and have it covered by insurance. So my addict mind started racing and I was like man I really wanna get messed up before I go back. What's the point in staying sober when I'm going back to treatment. So I made this extravagant plan on how I was going to get really messed up for a few days. This plan would seriously probably ruin my life, really hurt everyone I love and possibly put myself in danger. So I was like really excited about it and then I started thinking about how bad this would hurt my family and just really ruin all the progress I've made. Then someone from treatment needed some support and I was there to help them and then I realized if I wouldn't have been sober last night, I would not have been able to help her. So then I just had like a spiritual awakening type thing and had no desire to use. This is like super cool because I could have got some really good stuff and for an addict that is not easy to say no to. But God took my desire away and I am so grateful for that. I went through a lot of hard emotions the past 24 hours and I stayed sober. I met with my sponsor and now I feel so much better :D! I'm so proud of myself. It feels really good wanting to be sober. I love it! :D I feel like I've just babbled a lot. Oh well I just had to tell you guys about this! :D
Thanks for reading!