After talking with a friend that is on my support team I agreed with her that this question needed of it's own. This question brings up many topics that are never touched when one might be learning about the illness itself or when one is trying to understand the illness. I'm assuming because the answers to this question are so grotesque and raw that many victims of the disease share these things only with their therapist. There are a few memoirs out there that are open about what I am going to share. Keep in mind that not everyone suffers from this illness the same. Everything I am about to share might not be things felt and did by others suffering with bulimia. I however, am aware that many of these things are quite the norm for most people suffering from bulimia. I'm sure many people do not care to read the following, or do not even want to believe it is real, that it is an illness not a choice, but to those willing to read the following I applaud you in your attempt to educate yourself on a disease that has taken the life of many.
One of the questions in my workbook for step 2 is the following:
What were some things you did that felt insane to you or others while you were deep in your disease?
Oh, this list could go on and on. For my viewers to better educate you and really give you insight on the depths of this disease, I am going to go deep. I am going to go really deep, deep down into my dark secrets in my struggle with bulimia. So deep that sharing this could possibly ruin my reputation with a lot of people, make me seem literally insane, stupid, weird, or crazy. Yet at the same time sharing this will better educate people on eating disorders and everything that co-exist with them. So I have made the choice to risk my reputation with many in attempt to save others. After all one of my favorite quotes from the famous Dr. Seuss - "Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
My goal for my viewers is that either you gain some insight, and are better educated and to those suffering I want to let you know, you are NOT alone and recovery IS possible. To all the women and men suffering from this grotesque illness my hope is that you find this blog and that it inspires you to seek recovery not only to save yourself, but to experience the freedom you will gain with recovery.
At the time I did not feel my acts were insane, but necessary. I am going to be referring to my Eating Disorder as ED. I like to imagine it as a person, it better helps me to distinguish myself from the disease. To some, referring to my eating disorder as a person might seem silly. If this is you then while reading, just replace Ed with eating disorder. I like to capture the thoughts that have haunted my mind during my disease as a dialogue between Ed and I. So you will hear me say things like Ed told me, Ed showed me, Ed had me convinced. Of course I do not want to make this seem humorous because the last thing this disease is, is funny. In an attempt to help you grasp the idea of having these thoughts dictate my every move, and every decision I think it helps to refer to him as an insensitive dictator in my life at the time. I am not fully recovered and Ed still talks to me on a daily basis, but because now, for the most part I can distinguish my eating disorder thoughts from my own it helps me to fight Ed rather than surrender to his ways.
With being bulimic comes many secrets and actions that are appalling and shameful. So shameful that the victim starts to be ashamed of who they are, even though most people around them do not know these dark secrets, the victim is so convinced they ought to be ashamed of themselves. A lot of times many victims do not know they have an illness. Most suffers develop the disease at a young age and live with it so long they just assume it is who they are. This was me, living in shame and imprisoned in my own mind.
A person suffering from bulimia will binge and purge. Binging is when a large amount of food is consumed in a short period of time. Every suffer has their own definition of a binge. For some it might be eating a little too much at a meal, for others it may be having a lot of a forbidden food (more on forbidden foods later), and for others a binge consist of eating the amount of many meals at one time. This behavior is impulsive and most of the time a sufferer finds themselves going through a ton of food in a trance state of mind. No they are not in a trance per say, but once they finally stop eating they are in shock of how much they ate. Most experience a lack of control, feeling as if they have no control over how much they eat. After a binge a sufferer will feel guilty, and ashamed. People suffering from bulimia will then purge. There are a variety of ways used to purge, some use self induced vomiting, others use laxatives and diarectics, some will fast the next few days and others will compulsively exercise to burn off all the calories consumed. No matter what method of purging a sufferer chooses they are all harmful to ones health.
So here's my experience of binging and purging. Ed wanted me to restrict most of the time, restricting was the act of restricting a variety of foods from my diet EX; junk food, food high in fat, carbs, sugar or whatever Ed declares bad food. Another form of restricting was to restrict my calorie intake to way below the healthy amount. For me Ed liked to change things up, for one week I'd only be allowed to have 500 calories a day and other times I was only allowed to eat "safe foods" in my case Ed declared fruits and veggies safe, oh but not bananas they had too much sugar, and not potatoes...too many carbs. So I would go about my day as Ed would have it restricting my food intake. I would constantly be hungry, but Ed assured me that being hungry was good, that I was doing it right. Not eating made me irritable and I would snap at mostly anyone at anytime. Ed assured me that this would only last a little while until I got use to not eating. I had an extreme lack of energy and would constantly be tired, but Ed of course yelled at me and told me I was lazy and that I needed to do more because I was a fat cow. He constantly yelled in my ear, "you're so lazy", "so what you worked a double shift today, you better go to the gym", "what's that your exhausted? Who cares you lazy fat pig. get yourself to the gym or you will probably see an extra pound on the scale tomorrow". For me gaining a pound was one of my worst fears. I would wake up in the morning terrified to weigh because what if when I weighed myself and had gained a pound? Ed would be very angry and yell viciously in my ear. These were the thoughts that haunted my mind and for years I had no idea it was Ed speaking to me, I just assumed this was the way it was.
So like many bulimics restricting calories led to binging and binging led to purging. On one hand Ed was telling me, "Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat" and then on the other he would tell me, "well if you really must eat then you might as well eat as much as you want and then just get rid of it". See this is where things got confusing you would think knowing that I was going to throw everything up I wouldn't feel guilty or like I had failed, but boy are you wrong. As soon as I finished a binge I felt an extreme amount of guilt, shame, and worthlessness. How could I not refuse food? Ed has told me over and over again that it will make me fat and yet I dive in head first and eat more than I could ever imagine. So of course at this point Ed is yelling in my ear, "you're going to purge that aren't you?", "you have to get that out, now!". Then an over whelming feeling of anxiety takes place leaving me to panic and find the nearest place to puke my guts up. If for some reason I was not able to purge I would feel so guilty and ashamed, like my world was going to end for all the calories I just consumed. I literally felt so depressed an angry with myself that I would go to extreme measures to make myself feel better.
This is where things get ugly. For the most part I would always find a way to purge, I would go to extreme measures and do whatever I had to, to get rid of the calories I consumed and quickly too, for with every minute they were in my stomach I was getting fatter. At first it was as easy as going to the bathroom and "pretending" to shower, wash my face, shave my legs, anything to get the water running to mask the noise of me puking my guts up. This was also a very stressful act. Struggling with bulimia is very stressful and exhausting. All the lies and schemes to get what I needed which was usually access to purging. After carefully locking the door and starting the running water I would get down on my knees and violently make myself vomit. Warning: this gets ugly. I get so sick of the media trying to display eating disorders on television trying to spread awareness of the disease only to leave girls thinking it's an easy way to lose weight. After all they would never share with you what I'm about to share. Self induced vomiting was not a simple act of sticking my finger down my throat. It was painful, tedious, and violent. My back would convulse and my jaw would open extremely wide to the point of hurting...my eyes watered, my nose ran, and my face would turn red...sometimes even around my eyes I would get pink dots that would stay for a good few hours. This was not just throwing up once...no everything does not come out after one time, so I would repeatedly do this until Ed decided all the calories were out. So no, puking my guts up was not my idea of a good time, but it was necessary. No matter how painful it was, no matter how much damage it provoked on my body it was necessary. The pain was necessary, the cuts on my knuckles were necessary, the soreness in my jaw, the bruises on knees from kneeling over the toilet multiple times a day...it was all necessary.
Gross enough? Wait it gets worse. Once my family found out about my "secret" I had to be even more cunning and manipulative. At first I was terrified and a mess of anxiety and stress...how was I going to purge? But very soon Ed introduced me to my other options. My other options were puking in a bag in my room and hiding it in a shoe box until I could sneak downstairs and toss it in the outside trash...oh and I also not only had to throw it away, I had to make sure I hid it under the rest of the trash to keep anyone from seeing a bag full of vomit. When I was not at home Ed convinced me, why only limit my purging to my room? I couldn't just run home any time I ate too much at a restaurant, or when I ate too much at a get together and what about if I binged on my way to somewhere like school, work, or any other places I needed to go throughout my day. So I began puking in public bathrooms, in bags in my car, in church bathrooms, work bathrooms, school bathrooms, any place that would possibly work. I got so desperate that many times I contemplated walking to a woodsy place and just puking right there in the woods. I never reached that point thank God, although it wouldn't be any worse than all the other places I was puking. You are probably wondering at this point why I was binging and purging so much, well it becomes an addiction. Just like an alcoholic who cannot limit the amount of alcohol they drink, I could not limit the amount of times I binged and purged throughout the day. I was on average binging and purging 5 to 6 times a day. Some nights I would stay up all night long binging and purging over and over again until finally I passed out from exhaustion.
Another act of insanity was trying to fund my addiction. Binging gets pretty expensive. Three meals later from a drive through would be about $20 less in my pocket. A trip to the grocery store to buy binge food would easily put me out $50. So as time progressed and I got more desperate, I began to steal money from my parents to buy binge food. Now I never actually took money out of my moms purse, no I did it in a less conspicuous way...eating disorders are manipulative, deceitful, and scheming. I would ask my mom if I could go pick up something to eat and go to a fast food restaurant and order too much, and binge in my car and then retreat to my room to purge.
For a more detailed look of what a binge would be for me here's one of my worst. I woke up early one morning starving most likely because I did not eat the day before or I puked my guts up late that night. I decided to go get breakfast and on my way there Ed had convinced me to just make it a binge. Why not? Everyone was asleep, you've never binged on breakfast foods, this should be fun. Well it was more humiliating then anything. My first stop was Taco cabana where I ordered 4 breakfast tacos, next was shipely's where I ordered 1/2 a dozen donuts and then I stopped at McDonald's to pick up one more breakfast item to add to my list. With all my necessities for this binge I parked in the back of a Walgreens parking lot and begin to stuff my face. I ate so fast...I barely had time to taste anything and I became so overly full to the point of being sick without trying that I could not finish the rest of the donuts. I threw the trash away in an outside trashcan and then walked into walgreens, went straight to the restroom and puked my guts up. The whole time I felt like every one in the store knew I had just binged and knew I was going to the bathroom to purge. While in the restroom I was terrified someone would come in and hear me puking my guts up. Someone did come in and I jumped up quickly and sat on the toilet until they left and then continued with my puking.
Another act of insanity for me was hiding food in my room. Who the hell hides food in their room? Well the answer to that question is me and most of the people suffering from bulimia. After my family found out about my pattern they were wise to keep an eye out for signs of me eating too much. Unfortunately, I was tricky enough to pull the wool over their eyes and continue fueling my eating disorder. I would go to the grocery store late at night and stock up on binge food and carefully hide them in my closet or under my bed. That way they were accessible any time I felt the urge to binge and easy enough because I was already in my room where I would end up purging anyways.
I'm sure by now you are wondering if this is what I did all the time why am I not emaciated? Well the truth is majority of bulimics are a normal weight or over weight. There are many times when I was not able to purge and after starving my body, any time it did receive food it would clench onto it and hold it, for it never knew when I would feed it again. Binging and purging takes a huge toll on your body and messes a lot of stuff up. For awhile throughout the years of my eating disorder I would end up "getting better", not acting on behaviors such as binging and purging, yet still having that voice in my head. So when Ed got really loud I'd slip right back into the cycle of starving, binging, and purging. I am in no way trying to justify my weight because the truth is how much a person weighs does not have anything to do with whether or not they have an eating disorder. Anyone, anywhere may be struggling from an eating disorder and you not even know it. The media portrays being anorexic and bulimic as being emaciated...well that is not always the case.
This next one might seem more insane then all the rest. I would have complete meltdowns if I could not purge. I couldn't stand to have food sitting in my stomach this was not just when I binged. It got to the point where I was throwing up everything I ate, even salads. Ed had me convinced that if I was going to purge why not just purge everything. I was so sick at the time that I felt an extreme amount of guilt if I had food in my stomach. At times where I found myself in a sticky situation and could not purge I would have massive panic attacks. I would hypervenitilate, cry, and ultimately punish myself. Feeling full was not just uncomfotable physically it was extremely overwhelming mentally. Ed would torment me to no end when I had food in my stomach. He would say things like, "what are you going to do?", "Are you really going to sit there with food in your stomach?" "You know you are gaining weight right now, right?" "Ovbliously you don't care to be thin do you?", "I don't think you are even trying.", "Well you can expect to see another pound on the scale tomorrow.", "well that's what you get for eating and not being able to purge.". These were the thoughts that tormented me day and night. Awful, awful thoughts that I believed. I believed every word Ed was telling me. I was his victim of abuse and abuse me he did.
His abuse did not stop at tormenting my mind or causing me so much pain in my body from constantly purging he also added a little more pain. Any time I felt I had failed, any time I was angry with myself, or when I felt worthless, I felt the need to punish myself. I did so by compulsively exercising. I would set out to go to the gym on a mission. I deserved to work myself to the point of exhaustion. I would workout to the point of having blisters on my feet, overworked muscles, to the point of needing ice packs on numerous places on my body, needing to take pain relievers from all the aches I felt. This wasn't your typical workout of feeling the "burn", "if it burns it's working" and the typical pain of being sore after a good workout, no this was different. It was me going to the gym with a list of rules Ed made me follow. Here's an example, Ed would tell me, "tonight you have to do an hour on the treadmill oh and make sure you make your fat self run a little, that's the least you could do after having all that ranch dressing on your salad the other day.". Once I was on the treadmill he would add more rules, "set your incline this much, run for this much, run faster, no more walking". On top of the treadmill he would order me to do an hour on the elliptical, do 500 situps and much more. After following his list of rules he would still tell me I hadn't done enough. That I could have worked out longer, and harder. He was never satisfied no matter how much effort I put into making him happy it was never enough. So in return I often felt ashamed, worthless, like a failure, a loser, a bad person and sometimes these feelings got to be too much. I began to punish my self in other ways, more insane ways then over exercising.
I started to self harm, for more information on this, you will find a link below. At the time self harm for me would be cutting. Yes, I cut myself on purpose. I would feel like I had made Ed happy by punishing myself after feeling the pain and once I saw the blood I felt a sense of release. When there was not a razor blade in my reach I would self harm by burning myself with a cigarette. This of course was not an option before I started smoking. It seems so crazy to me now, that this thought passed my mind. With cutting I had heard of it, seen the marks on other people, and was convinced it must be working if they are doing it. One night deep, deep, in my disease...to be more specific, the night before I went into residential treatment. I was sitting outside in the backyard at my friends house. I could not sleep that night because of how terrified I was at what was to come the next day. I had to eat the few days I was with her so of course I felt ashamed, like I had failed, and that I couldn't even be good at having an eating disorder ( I was convinced at the time that I did not have a disease and that I chose this lifestyle, and that I couldn't unchoose it). So with all this in mind I was sitting outside chain smoking, having really strong urges to self harm. This time it was not for punishment, no this time was because I felt dead and numb. I literally felt like although I was alive I was not living, that I had entered a hell here on earth and Ed was satan. So in attempt to convince myself I was still alive and that I had not yet died. I needed to self harm to feel pain so I would know I was not dead. With cigarette in hand I begin to burn my arm. After doing so I felt a sense of relief...It hurt really bad, I felt like I could breathe if only for those few minutes. Once at treatment I saw the many scars on other girls that had burned themselves with cigarettes...I felt it was the norm. Don't get me wrong not everyone living with Ed self harms. One night while in treatment, I was crying to one of my favorite nurses...we will just call her Angel. :) She seriously provided me with so much hope, and peace that I knew God was using her for me. As I cried to her explaining that I was so ashamed of the scars from the burns and didn't know what I was thinking when I did it. She gave me a different perspective. Her knowing I had faith in God, she told me, "you know what, you shoudn't be emabarrassed because one day these scars will be a testimony of how you survived and God is going to use these scars for his glory." She continued saying, "when people ask you what they are from you will have the opportunity to share your testimony, beause you never know who God might send your way.", she added "in everything, we have to give glory to God, let these scars be used for God's glory". I'll never forget how much her words that night meant to me. How God used her to give me peace and hope that one day I would be able to look back and see how I recovered from my disease. Now when I see my scars I thank God for the opportunity I have to use them for his Glory and I thank him from saving me. My scars also remind me everyday how vicious and relentless Ed is and how a many times he tried to take my life and inflict pain on me.
Another form of punishment from Ed was isolation. If he felt I was too grotesque to go in public, too fat, too ugly, then I'd quietly hide in my room until he decided it was ok for me to face the public. This life I was living led to a life of depression. While isolating I would often not shower because the mere thought of seeing myself naked was terrifying. I missed many invitations to hang out with friends or go to parties because Ed did not find me suitable for the public eye and I definitely could not risk having to eat in front of people. Another thing to add to my list of acts of insanity would be lieing....over and over again. Going against all my beliefs to the benefit of Ed. I would manipulate people I loved just to get by and hide my eating disorder.
This my friends is pure insanity and yet at the time I had no idea. I was so wrapped up in trying to please Ed and trying to achieve my only dream and goal to be thin that I did not feel any of this was insane, just necessary.
I hope that after reading this you have a better understanding at what all comes with this mental illness, that it is in fact NOT a choice, but a disease that millions of women and even men are suffering with.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this post. I hope it inspires, educates,and provides hope for those still suffering.
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html
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