Warning: This is a very long story because it starts at the very beginning. I feel it's totally worth reading so that you can see exactly where I'm coming from.
Side Note: I tended to focus on the negative in life and would just like to clarify I do have a loving family who is very supportive, and I have great parents. :)
That was then, this is now.
I was born on December, 4th 1989. I was a beautiful baby girl with bright red hair. I was my moms first baby, when she was 19. I'm so grateful that she kept me. She could have given me up for adoption but, I was her baby and even though she was not ready for a child she kept me. My biological farther was not apart of my life.
My mom met my dad at the end of October. He immediately fell in love with her and me. Although my dad was so in love with my mom and I, my mom was so scarred of getting hurt because some of his family and friends were discouraging him to have a relationship with my mom because she had a kid. My mom broke up with my dad in November and broke his heart. She soon realized she couldn't fight her feelings for him anymore and they went on there first date again March 1st 1991. They married on July 12th 1991 and he has been my dad ever since.
My childhood was pretty decent. I had a brother and a sister and we were very close yet at the same time we fought a lot. My family was always very close to my parents families. We were very close to all our cousins and at first we all went to church together. Those were the good ol days. I was so happy. I remember my great grandma always told me that I loved church. I loved the music, she would say that anytime I would hear the music I'd get this huge smile on my face and clap my hands. I still love music to this day. It just does something to me. Anyways, things were good. Like any childhood there were ups and downs. My parents did their best to raise us in a loving environment and give us everything we needed. They did a pretty good job. A few key things I remembered in my childhood was that in the churches I was raised in the members, not all but most tended to make a big deal about how people looked and dressed. I took that in as how you looked had a lot to do with how you would succeed in life.
When I was in third grade I remember being a bit taller than all the other girls, I wasn't fat...just taller. One day we had to get weighed because of physicals or something and I remember being terrified of getting weighed. Our society has always focused on looks, diets, and influenced women and men that the number on the scale did determine a certain kind of success in life. So anyways all the girls in my class were lined up against the wall outside the nurses office. Every time a girl would get weighed they'd come out and be like "I weigh this much" and they would just talk about how they all weighed about the same. I was so terrified when I saw the number on the scale was much bigger than the other girls. I didn't understand why...I wasn't fat, but seeing that number made me feel like the fat kid. When I came back to the line the girls kept asking me how much I weighed and I just kept telling them I didn't want to tell. They teased me about it but finally gave it a rest. That day sticks in my head so vividly. I don't know why in third grade an innocent little girl would recognize body image issues and feel fat because of how much she weighed. That day confused me a lot.
Sense we moved a lot I was always the new kid and being shy and a new kid is not a good mix. I had friends but a lot of times I just felt out of place. I had more fun playing with my siblings and neighborhood friends then I did meeting people at school. I was a good mix of a girly girl and tom boy. I loved barbies but, I also loved climbing trees, making mud slides, playing cops and robbers etc. Although I did like playing with my brother and sister, but sometimes I'd be left out because my sister was one of the guys and would always play with my brother and his friends. I hated being left behind, I don't know why they didn't want me to play with them at times. But, I got over it. I had a best friend in fourth grade through sixth grade and I remember always feeling inferior to her. She had always played sports, was really pretty and trendy and the guys always liked her. Since I grew up not knowing anything about make up and stuff I just looked ridiculous next to her. I would let her do my make up and I felt pretty at times. She was really outgoing and I was the shy one. We had a lot of fun together.
Another thing I remember, in fifth grade I felt bigger than all the other girls. I also felt like my clothes were ugly and that I was ugly. I don't know why I felt this way but I did. I didn't really have friends in fifth grade I don't know why. I remember one day this heavier kid that everyone made fun of asked me to be his lunch pal one day. I felt bad for him so of course I said yes. I was so embarrassed sitting with him though and I felt that I must be ugly sense the he was talking to me. The few friends I had picked on me for sitting with him and said I liked him etc. I was so humiliated. But, at the same time he was really a nice kid and I felt bad for him. I felt like a bad person for not wanting to be his friend because of what others thought of me.
Another thing that happened in fifth grade was my music teacher noticed that I had a good voice and gave me a solo in the school musical. I was so ecstatic that someone thought my voice was good...especially a music teacher. At this time in my life I believed I was going to be famous one day for my singing. I so strongly believed that I was meant to sing and that I would be a pop star and be rich and famous and my life would be so awesome. I just felt so destined to be a singer. I always loved singing and I would sing all the time day and night. I tried so hard and when I sang I felt like I was on top of the world. That dream eventually faded once I grew up and became a pessimist. Still to this day I love singing and it makes me so happy and takes me out of this world when I sing, but I now know I don't want a career out of it.
Sixth grade went a lot better for me, I joined the cheer leading team and I loved it. I had a good circle of friends and made decent grades. I was so happy. Yet for some reason I still felt bigger than all the other girls. I don't know why I felt this way I wasn't fat. I just didn't see that then. I remember that summer I went swimsuit shopping and my aunt and mom were saying I should get a bikini...I was like no, no, I can't wear a bikini I'm not thin enough. They persisted and looked at me like I was crazy. They eventually got me to try one on and I felt really uncomfortable but they kept going on and on of how good I looked so I thought well I guess I don't look bad and the bikini was so cute. It was neon pink with orange and white flowers, had the shorts bottom and a triangle top. So I wore it to the public pool and that day I wanted to hide under a rock. I felt so fat and thought everyone was thinking why is she wearing that she is too fat. I hid under the water most the time and after that I never wore that two piece again. I remember the worst move of my life was when my parents decided to buy a house 45 min away in the country...yuck! I was sooo upset about moving I was having the time of my life and now I had to move and be the new kid all over again. We moved that summer and I had no friends and no way to make any as school was out. I stayed at home all day and was bored out of my mind. I started snacking a lot. I always loved food....which sucked for me in the long end. I would just mindlessly eat because I was so bored.
I gained a little weight that summer, I went from a size 3 to a size 5/7. I thought I was so gross and fat...but sense I was so tall I still looked thin. I just couldn't see that. I remember going shopping for 7th grade, I got a ton of cute jeans and tops and everything looked really good on me, but I still felt fat. I don't understand why I always felt that way. I got picked on a lot from the girls in 7th grade I never realized why until later. I think it was because they were jealous of me. A lot of the guys at school liked me but I was so clueless and naive when it came to boys I barely noticed. I wanted so badly to try out for the cheer leading team or basket ball but I felt so inadequate because I'd never played sports growing up. I was too scared of failing, that I'd rather not try.
The older I got the worse things got. Unfortunately my family went through a lot of finacial distress and for some reason I would always internal that stress. When I was in 7th grade I hated school, I would come home and cry to my mom that I had no friends and that I got picked on and I'd be so bored and lonely at home. Then my science teacher got a snake and I've always been terrified of snakes so I refused to go in the classroom. Everyone made fun of me, even my teacher ridiculed me for being afraid. I went through hell trying to just switch science classes. My counselor for some reason kept saying she couldn't move me and that maybe they could put a poster in front of the cage so I wouldn't see it. I tried that but I couldn't even focus in class because I knew the snake was right behind that poster and just knowing it was in there terrified me. I'd have to leave class a lot because I would go in the bathroom and cry because I was so afraid. Soon my science class moved to another building and they finally switched my class. When I walked in the class my new science teacher ridiculed me and said it was ridiculous that I had to switch classes because I was afraid of a snake that was in a cage and couldn't even hurt me. I was very sensitive and just burst into tears. I was so upset that no one understood my fear and thought I was stupid and foolish. I was even more embarrassed. I wished so badly that I would not be afraid at the time I felt like my fear was ruining my life. The teacher took me outside the class and apologized saying she didn't realize how bad my fear was and she was sorry for making me feel that way. That day when I went home and told my mom what happened my mom was so upset she decided to pull me out of school and home school me. The thing is I never really got homeschooled.
We moved to another city closer to my grandparents. Thank God we were back in the city. I started eight grade and I had gained even more weight and was a size 11/13 now. So by this time I was actually a little chunky. So school was awful. I felt so ugly and like such an outcast because I had to wear skirts and no makeup while all the other girls rocked their jeans and abercrombie shirts with eyeliner and cute hair styles while my hair was in a ponytail everyday. I was so self conscious about my size that I wore an over sized hoodie over all my clothes to hide my fat. I only had one friend at school...we became best friends and have been friends ever since. But I was really depressed in school. That year I saw a girl in my math class raise her sleeve of her hoodie and saw all the horrifying cuts on her arms. I thought that was scary and was confused but then I realized people cut to feel better so I thought well if it works for her then maybe I should try it. So that's when I started cutting. It got bad really quickly and it was way too hard to hide. One day I cut myself so deep because I was so angry that it scared me and I stopped cutting. My siblings made fun of me and my mom never acknowledge it. That made me feel like she didn't care. I mean her daughter was freaking slicing her skin open and she just ignored it. But now I know it was because she just didn't understand and probably hoped it was just a phase.
That year my baby brother was born...I was 14 at the time. We all immediately loved him even though my siblings and I did not want another sibling. We moved again that summer. I started high school and had all these plans to make A's and B's and be involved in things. I started dance my freshman year and was determined to try out for the drill team. But..shortly after I realized one I looked awful in a leo and two I sucked at dancing. I probably could have done it if I tried harder but for some reason I just never tried hard enough. So that dream went down the gutter especially once I found out how expensive it was to be on the drill team my parents could never afford it. I was very depressed that year. I really didn't have any friends because I was so shy and felt fat and ugly, so I thought nobody would want to be friends with the fat girl. I stayed up all night playing video games and writing depressing poems...I remember some nights I'd blare Hawthorne Heights and just cry in my bed and scream the lyrics in angst. I missed so much school. Especially when my mom started working I'd miss the bus on purpose all the time. I'd stay up all night and sleep all day. When I did go to school I'd just talk to my friends the whole time and never really try. I wasn't stupid I just was unmotivated. I remember I loved English and joined a poetry club which I loved but...shortly got out of it, I can't remember why. I even got one of my poems published in the school paper. I remember wanting to try out for the school musicals but then I found out that it was $200 just to be in it and then you had to pay for your costume and make up kit and when I told my mom that she was like no way. I don't have that kind of money so that dream went down the drain. Oh, I also loved Spanish class. I was really good and caught on fast and had an A in that class. It felt so good to have an A. I felt like I was worth something in life. Later on my depression got worse and I started feeling suicidal. I wrote my mom a long email and explained to her why I thought I was depressed and that I should go to a doctor and get medicine or something. She never responded and when I brought it up she just brushed it off. I never understood why she did that. Of course in high school part of the reason I was unhappy was because my weight. I started to not eat all day at school and then when I'd get home I'd binge on everything. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time.
So we moved again and my mom and I decided it would be best to home school me sense I was so behind in school. I was in ISS pretty much every week for skipping class and had Saturday detention a lot. I always had detention and was called into the principles office all the time just for being late and not showing up for class. Being homeschooled was not the best idea for me, my mom had good intentions but I guess we both just did not anticipate all the work that came with it. I started working and I don't know why I didn't just go back to school and graduate a year late or something. Worst decision I've ever made in my life. I will always regret not finishing high school but I've come a long way from there. I started working when I was 15 and got my GED right before I turned 18. From age 15 to about 20 life was hell. Finances with my parents were awful and I went through hell getting to and from work. I fought with my mom constantly because of this. I never was able to save for a car because once I started working my parents stopped paying for everything. I had awful teeth because of my genes. So once I started working I started paying for all my dental work which was ridiculously expensive. My parents paid for house and food of course but everything else I paid for. I was also awful with my finances and became a shopaholic and so yea never could save money. Once I started saving for a car I had hope that my life would get better. I was proud of myself for finally having some self control. Once I got my car life was soooo much better. I was so happy. Then my car ended up being a lemon and I had no idea how to take care of a car and I never got an oil change because I just kept putting it off. So basically my engine blew up and my car got repoed and then the hell of being taken to work again started. I worked one full time job and a part time job. I've always loved working. I loved making my own money. I felt so accomplished having such a good work ethic and being responsible. All my employers complimented me on how great I was. It felt really good. Eventually the hell I was going through at home got to be too much and my parents kicked me out...I still don't know why. I moved in with my grandparents and aunt. I was so happy. No stress and my aunt never complained about car pooling with me to work. This happened a few times, my mom and I would get in a fight and then they'd kick me out for the most obscene reasons.
(Please read the next bit with caution, I highly, highly discourage pro ana sites, curiosity killed the cat. Please just trust me and stay away from these sites.)
When I was 18, I heard of pro ana websites. Pretty much the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I googled them and became so infatuated with this idea that I could "become anorexic". It's appalling, I know but, at the time I had no idea what all an eating disorder entailed. I just thought It would be a great way to lose weight and become the happy girl I always had dreamed of. So I spent hours at a time reading all these tips etc on "how to become anorexic", I thought hey I can do this. Lose a ton of weight fast and then just start eating again. I was sooo dumb, second biggest mistake in my life. I started right away, I didn't eat for 3 days straight and then one morning I ate a brownie and felt so guilty that I threw it up. I didn't wanna be bulimic...but after that first time It just spiraled out of control. I would write in my journal all these awful, awful, things about myself. Like, "your a disgusting pig", "your so fat, no one will ever love you", you don't deserve to live because your so repulsive", "your so ugly and fat, you can't even refuse food", "your such a failure for eating", etc. It didn't take very long for me to start to believing all those awful things. I started purging 5 to 6 times a day. I wouldn't eat anything without throwing up. I started losing weight pretty fast and thought I was on top of the world. Life was great, people always commented on how good I looked and asked me how I did it. I would simply just say, "oh I watch what I eat and walk for an hour everyday.". I did walk for an hour every single night. I would never feel like it was good enough. Sometimes I'd walk for 2 hours. I'd beat myself up every time I ate and would have nightmares about eating. I was so angry all the time and snapped at everyone. I would go to work and be in so much pain from vomiting my guts up the night before. I'd be so tired and exhausted, I'd come home and sleep all day after work and then stayed up binging and purging all night. It was an awful time. About a year later my family discovered my secret. Soon after that I went to church and was delivered. I stopped purging and tried to eat like a normal person. I did pretty good but slowly started gaining weight. I had a boyfriend and was happy and thought I was fine. But, soon after I just started gaining more weight. This went on for a few years. I'd try to diet but every time I did, it would just turn into me being bulimic again.
I finally snapped one day after weighing myself and seeing how big I was. I stopped eating and started purging again. I lost weight but did not want to keep living that way. I worked 11 hour days with kids and started binge eating. I didn't realize at the time that I was binge eating and I gained even more weight.
I didn't realize at the time that I was working myself to death. I worked 11 hour days and would go to school at night...stayed up half the night with my boyfriend at the time. Then get up at 5:30am and do it all over again. I also got a part time job that summer and was working 11 hour days plus and extra 25 on nights and weekends. I was spending all my money faster than it came in. Binge eating is extremely expensive by the way. A binge consist of eating an excessive amount of food in a very short period of time. When a person binges there is a loss of control, many people report that they are in another world, not present at the time. I got credit cards and maxed them out fairly quickly. I loved my job and I thought my life was great. I made great money and loved working....then I started getting extremely stressed because of my bills and then my car started acting up. My ex and I broke up and life got weird. I spent so much time with him I wasn't sure how to be single. I was just trying to stay busy but, I didn't realize at the time how sad I was. I wasn't sad because I was single though. I was happy to not be with him anymore. I just felt so lost in the world. I ignored all the signs. I just worked, worked, worked. I started to get so stressed out about bills it almost drove me insane. I started binging and purging more. I started looking for attention from guys from online dating sights. It never ended up good. They all just wanted sex and I don't know what I was thinking. I was so unhappy with the way I looked and I felt so gross and just disgusted. I thought maybe if guys liked me it would make me feel better about myself. I did a lot of stupid things the past two years. I regret a lot. I've watched my life spiral out of control right before my eyes. I was constantly tortured in my mind. Imagine the worst nightmare you have every had...I was living it. Waking up in the morning being terrified of getting up because I HAD to weigh myself and what if I gained weight. The numbers on the scale determined how my day would be. No matter how much I lost, it was never enough. I was constantly hearing awful things in my head. I'll give you some examples to explain how dreadful living with this illness is. I heard "your fat and ugly, no one will ever love you", "people will never believe you have an eating disorder because your fat, so you better not ask for help", "you know what people think of you don't you?", "they see you and think youre fat, ugly, a failure, how could you show your face in public", "everyone knows you eat too much, that you have no control, that you eat a ton and are too lazy to even workout". I'd go to the gym and kill myself and then the voice in my head was never satisfied, It would say, "you can do more", "youre so lazy", "do you really think that's enough to make you look better", "your so weak", "a little pain and youre ready to give up", "everyone can see youre not trying hard enough". I'd go into stores and think people were thinking, "why is she going to try that on she will look disgusting in that", "why is she shopping in this section, she can't possibly fit in these clothes". So then I'd head to the plus size section to feel more comfortable while shopping, at least I was where I belonged. Don't even get me started on going to the grocery store...maybe one of the scariest places. I heard things like "is she really buying food", "doesnt she know she deserves to starve", "does she have enough food in her basket", "is she really buying that stuff", "you should be embarrassed that you are buying food", "everyone is judging you for your fat ass", "a fat girl buying food, you should be ashamed".
These are the thoughts that tortured my mind every single day. Imagine living in a world where you felt all these things were true. Imagine looking in the mirror and starting to cry because what was looking back at you was too ugly to bare. Imagine trying on clothes and sitting in the dressing room crying because you looked so gross in everything you tried on. Imagine a world where you were your worst enemy and there was no way out. I thought, If only I could be thin then everything would be alright. This torture would cease and I'd finally be happy.
I finally realized I needed help and started looking for a therapist and psychiatrist. I made an appointment with a pyschiatrist and got put on and anti deppressant, xanax, and I tricked my way into getting vyvance, which is for add. I don't have ADD, I just got it to lose weight. It worked, I didn't eat anything for two weeks straight. I was going through mania and had extreme energy all day long and then come home and crash. My parents got worried because they saw a change in my mood. I was like a zombie when I got home every night and would be so grouchy from not eating. Two weeks later I had my first appoinment with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. June 26th, I'll never forget that day. My life turned upside down. I went in, thinking this was it, I was finally going to get help...boy was I wrong. As soon as I sat down my eating disorder started attacking me. I felt like voices were literally screaming in my head, "why are you doing this, you need to lose weight first", "your so fat, no one will ever believe you are bulimic", "this lady is going to think youre a joke, she's going to think you just want attention", "don't you want to be thin, what are you doing", "if you get better you will never be thin", "your so fat, your embarrassing yourself", "you can't even be good at having an eating disorder", "you throw up and your still fat". All these awful thoughts filled my head and I was so distraught, I was literally being tortured. She suggested I go to an Over eaters Anonymous meetings and that just confirmed to me that she thought I was fat and did not throw up. I drove home sobbing and had no idea what was going on. I was so confused and overwhelmed by all these feelings I had. I didn't know what to do. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. The world turned gray in an instant. I felt like I was in a fog, so thick I couldn't see anything but the pain I felt.
I went home and took a nap around 4:30...woke up around 8:20 and as soon as I opened my eyes I thought I should kill myself. So long story short I overdosed and tried to slit my wrist. Luckily my parents found me fast and I was headed to the hospital an hour later. I drank charcol and stayed over night. All was fine and then they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for 7 days. It was a really strange experience, I could'nt believe this is what my life had come to. I literally had gone crazy. When I got home on July 3rd, my family surprised me with a room makeover. It was so beautiful and I felt so loved. July 5th, I went to my psychiatrist and explained what happpened. She was very concerned and suggested residential care. From that moment on, I lost myself. I was terrified to go to residential care...I was way to fat to go to an eating disorder rehab. All the awful thoughts drowned my head and I was sinking quickly with despair. For a week I purged 5 times a day and then I just completely stopped eating. I self medicated with xanax and my sleeping meds so that I could escape this nightmare. I lived on coffee and tea. I was so proud of myself for not eating and I wished so badly that I could not go to treatment until I lost a ton of weight. But all too soon I arrived at Timberline Knolls ( a residential treatment facility for eating disorders, addictions, and PTSD) on August first. My nightmare had come true, as soon as I walked in the door I saw a really thin girl and my heart dropped. I was so embarrassed to be there because I was there for bulimia and was so fat, I thought no one would believe me. The first two weeks were hell. I didn't realize how bad a problem I had until they took it away from me. Not being able to purge was killing me. I seriously was going crazy. But then eventually my eyes opened and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. God finally interfered through the darkness and showed me the light. I started to give recovery my all and progressed fairly fast. I made a ton of amazing friends and my stay at Timberline knolls changed my life tremedously. Although there were times I wanted to hurt everyone...there were more times I prospered and saw true joy in life.
I have continued my recovery at home and I am proud to say as of current I have not purged now for 2 months. It's hard as hell and sometimes and I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again but, I stay strong and keep fighting. I don't want to go back to that dark place...ok honestly sometimes I do, but that's my irrational mind talking. I have found an eating disorders anonymous meeting 45 min away from me and have been going to it. I am also going to Over eaters Anonymous meetings as well as AA. I am not an over eater and nor am I an alcoholic but they both practice the same 12 steps. I've had my issues with alcohol so I think it is important for me to participate to keep myself sober. I now have a sponsor, who is amazing by the way. I have started to work the 12 steps and after a year in recovery I plan to start an EDA meeting where I live. There is not enough EDA meetings and they are so beneficial to recovery. I plan to give back all that I have learned. Recovery is possible for everyone and everyone should have a chance to recover. I also plan to one day start a scholarship program for girls that are not able to afford residential treatment. I also want to become part of the National Eating Disorder Association to further my attempts in making a difference.
I am so excited to see where my recovery will take me.
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