Step One...

I have started working on the 12 step recovery program. This is usually referred to as the alcoholism approach, but after years of addictions and diseases, its been found that the 12 steps can translate to eating disorders as well. So working the 12 steps is just another part of my recovery.

I'd like to share with you all the 12 steps. 

We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder - that our lives had become unmanageable. We finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn’t working.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We began to believe that we could get better, that there was a fundamental healing power.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. We decided to trust that as we let go of rigidity, we would not fall. As we took (and continue to take) careful risks, our trust grew -- in God, in ourselves, and in others.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We looked at why we had gotten stuck, so we would be less likely to get stuck again. We looked at our fears and why we were afraid, our lies and why we told them, our shame and guilt and why we had them. (This step is the searchlight that reveals the blockages in our connection to God.)

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We "told on ourselves." This established our authority as responsible people; we began to feel like we belonged to the human race. (This step is the bulldozer that clears the blockages in our connection to God.)

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We began to accept ourselves as we really were, and to take responsibility for our actions. We realized we couldn’t "fix" ourselves. We had to be patient with effort, not results. We realized the results were up to God.

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. We asked God to help us accept our imperfect efforts. We began to focus on what we were doing right. As we did so, the "right" things began to increase.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. We made a list of people whom we had injured or who we thought had injured us, accepted our part, and forgave them for their part. Forgiveness brought us peace.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. After prayer and counsel with a sponsor, we went to the people we had injured (and fully forgiven) and admitted our fault and regret. Our statements were simple, sincere and without blame. We expected nothing in return. Accountability set us free.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We listened (and continue to listen) to our conscience. When troubled, we get honest, make amends and change our thinking or behavior. We continue to notice what we do right, and we talk about that, too.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. We listened (and continue to listen) to our heart. We earnestly seek to understand and do God’s will, whatever that may be on any given day. We continue to give ourselves credit for earnest effort, however imperfect.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Having learned to trust at last, we share our experience strength and hope with others, and work to live at peace with ourselves, with God and with life.

 Side Note: If you are looking for recovery or know someone looking for this I encourage you to not be discouraged to attempt the steps if you do not believe in a God. In the places where it says God simply fill that in with your higher power. You do not have to be christian or have belief in a religion to practice these steps. 

Step one
Admitting I have become powerless over my relationship with food
and that my life had become unmanageable.


    When I first read the title of step one my immediate response was, "oh I've already done this step so it should be easy." Well after reading step one I'd realized there was a bit more to it. Reading about how admitting I was powerless showed me A: I really hadn't fully committed to this, B: I had to dig deep down and see what was stopping me and C: coming to the conclusion that I still believed I had power over my eating disorder.

    I realized I hadn't really committed to admitting I was powerless because I still thought that If I wanted I could control it and that I never really felt like I was powerless. I still have the intent to  recover but still keep a few "tricks" up my sleeve. For example, part of my recovery is to follow a healthy meal plan, so I practiced this step, but still kept the mentality that I could keep a little restriction to my diet and still be following my meal plan. For instance for my breakfast I am suppose to have one fat, one protein, one carb, one fruit and one dairy. Well I decided I would have all those things but make sure I chose things that were low in calories and if I could to choose items that were safe. The problem with me doing this is that I'm still practicing my eating disorder in the act of restricting certain foods and sticking with safe foods.
   
    Another step in my recovery is to fully commit to giving up my relationship with my eating disorder fully, I thought well I can just give up the things that hurt me ie; starving, purging, bingeing, yet I could keep my dream of being thin and that once I'd become thin I'd be happy and life would be better. I could choose to still listen to the voice that told me you have to be thin or life will not be worth living, that I had to still be in control, that I could recover but don't you dare let recovery take away your goal of being thin, that being thin was the most important thing, and if recovering meant you cant be thin then it's not worth it.

    So after coming to terms that I was still powerless over ED while working on recovery meant I needed to admit I was still out of control. I have admitted that I am still powerless.

    Another part of step one is to admit my life had become unmanageable. I don't think I ever admitted to this. My thoughts on this one is that my life was never really unmanageable. I still lived life and went to work, enjoyed my family, I still had all my hopes and dreams and I'd eventually start working on these things but first I had to get thin. That was the most important thing in life. Get thin and then I could move on with the rest of my life. I had never thought by keeping this mentality would keep me from living my life to the fullest. To truly enjoy the other things I had in life and to give my full attention to the other things I wanted out of life, the other things that would make me happy and give me the sense of accomplishment. So in reality my life had become unmanageable. I was letting my eating disorder be the first priority and ignoring everything else. I would deny myself offers to enjoy other things in life so that I could spend a little more time working on what I could do to get closer to my goal of being thin, what I could do to become better and stronger by restricting my food. My mind was fully consumed by my eating disorder leaving very little room for responsibilities and other goals. I had become irresponsible with my fiances so that I would have money to binge. I'd walk into a store and be haunted by what Ed was telling me what people were thinking of me. I'd isolate every time ED would tell me "you're looking pretty grotesque today, I'd stay inside if I were you, you don't want to gross people out by showing your face in public". I'd turn down offers to hang out with friends or go to certain events because ED had me convinced I was gross and not presentable to the public, that I was not worthy of enjoying other things in life. Ed had made me extremely depressed and I would let things go and give all my attention to my eating disorder. ED told me I was not worthy of anything else in life because I could not even accomplish the goal of being thin. ED told me I sucked at life and that I might as well not try to accomplish anything else if I couldn't even make him happy. ED had me convinced I was an awful person and made me feel guilty. He tugged and pulled me in every which direction and still expected me to do more, be better, stand taller, ,jump when he said jump even though he'd exhausted me to no extent. So yes, my life had become unmanageable and I was ready to get full control of my life back not by restricting, not by binging and purging but by investing my time in recovery and making it my first priority and still being able to work on my hopes and dreams. The hardest part of this step is to let go of my dream of being thin. Letting go of the belief that being thin would make everything better. I hope I can let this go soon and I will truly work on it.

      Tonight I will be meeting with my sponsor to further process this step and to work step one in the 12 step workbook. I look forward to tonight and feel that taking this step has allowed me more progress in my journey to recovery.