Step 2 of the 12 steps...

Step Two
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.

    So I found this step quite annoying, because I already have a higher power and believe God can restore me to sanity. I do see the importance of the literature in Step two for those who have not connected to a higher power and need to find what this means to them. I guess  for me the one thing is that I just need to practice this belief and actually rely on God to help me. I do believe in God, but have been distant, I feel from him, for a very long time. I pray every once in awhile and do acknowledge his presence, but have not fully committed to having faith that he can and will save me from the demons I fight. I am embarrassed to admit this and feel shameful to have not truly trusted God for the past while. I am continuing to work on my relationship with God in hopes that soon I will be where I once was at, if not better.

5 things I have faith in:

* I have faith in God.
* I have faith that I will come out of this stronger and better.
* I have faith that everything happens for a reason.
* I have faith that God has allowed me to walk through this storm, because he has plans for me that only after I conquered this, I could pursue.
* I have faith that I can and will accomplish my hopes and dreams.

3 pieces of Evidence that help is available:

* My sponsor is evidence that I have someone who has overcame this illness and is willing to help me do the same.
* My therapist
* My dietician
* Eating Disorder Anonymous Meetings

Belief A: Good things do happen but, the universe is essentially a cold, hostile place in which I can trust only myself.

How I would feel if I were to believe Belief A?
    I would feel that good things are possible if I make them possible, but I would feel it a much too complicated a struggle sense I'd have to do it alone. I'd probably not even try because doing things on my own have not worked for me in the past and I don't know how it would be any different this time.

How would you live this week if you believed belief A?
I'd probably live in lonliness and despair. I can't imagine not being able to turn to anyone for support. I would most likely go on a honeymoon with Ed and never come back. With no one to turn to why not turn to Ed the guy who has been here with me all along?


Belief B: Bad things do happen but the universe is essentially a safe place in which someone or something has my best interest at heart.

How I would feel if I were to believe belief B?
    I'd feel hopeful that there is a way out of my abusive relationship with Ed. I'd feel like there must be someone, somewhere, who wanted to see me divorce Ed and live a happy, peaceful life. I'd feel hopeful that someone out there would support me and be by my side as I filed for divorce and presented the papers to Ed.

How would you live this week if you believed belief B?
    I would contact a lawyer and start working on divorce papers lol.
No, seriously I would try my best to ignore Ed's emotional abuse and try my best to abstain from his physical abuse as well. I'd go to meetings, talk with my sponsor and support team. I'd meet with my therapist and dietician. I'd continue on with my outpatient program, work the 12 steps and continue reading an inspiring recovery story by Jenni Schaefer. I'd feel like there is a way out because I have people who will help me climb out of the whole Ed threw me in.

What do you believe about a power greater than yourself?

    I believe in God I am christian and practice the nondenominational religion. I believe faith is the core of miracles, and that with God all things are possible. I believe God never gives us more than we can bare. I believe that if you lay down your heavy burdens God will pick them up. I believe in one God, in the baptism in Jesus name, and the gift of the holy spirit.

    When you think of yourself as "restored to sanity" what comes to mind, describe what you see.
   
    Ooo this is a tough one not because I can't picture what I want, but to believe complete restoration is possible. I've had Ed in my life for so long I can't imagine my life without him. Hopefully one day I will believe and have faith that it is possible to have NO contact with ED.  But for the heck of it here's what "restored to sanity" looks like for me.

    I would no longer be a prisoner in my mind. I would set goals and achieve them, dream big and make it happen. I would practice my values, morals, and integrity. I would make a difference in peoples lives. I'd love deeply and not be afraid of getting hurt. I'd love myself for all the positive things I've done, am doing, and will do, instead of the size of my pants, or shape of my body. 
    I would be in a passionate, intense, ongoing relationship with life. I'd see the magic and possiblities that my dreams can create and I'd see the magic happen right before my eyes. I'd be a leader, someone people look up to and say, "man I admire her" and even be a role model to kids. I would spread love and compassion. I'd be successful. I'd be the light for so many people traveling down a dark road. I would inspire people. So basically I would not be insane, unless someone caught me singing and dancing in the mirror to my favorite song, then I'm sure they would think I was insane...I get really into it. Haha!

How do you feel about having a greater power than yourself?

    Well being as I do have a higher power, Jesus...I feel comforted, hopeful, loved, and excited.
These were the choices I had to choose from in my workbook. :)

What is one thing you can do today to choose sanity?

    Well yesterday, I actually did a lot of things, I worked on step 2 of the 12 steps, saw my therapist, and reached out to someone in my support group. :) And for today I have worked on my recovery blog, and will be attending my outpatient group. :)