Ed is not just partial to food and body image...
Ed is not a "diet", Ed is not vain, Ed really doesn't care if I am thin or not. That's not Ed's purpose for being in my life. Ed tells me of course that being thin will make me happy, but that's not what Ed really cares about. Ed is not a choice, not a vanity trip, not low self-esteem, no, Ed is an illness.
Often times when people hear about eating disorders the following assumptions come up...
"It's just a diet gone bad"
"People with eating disorders are just vain and need to get over themselves."
"Well it's no wonder so many girls have eating disorders, the media pressures them to be thin."
"Oh, I don't think they know what they are doing to their bodies."
The problem with these assumptions is that they start to assume a solution based on them. People will try to explain how bad an eating disorder is and how unhealthy and dangerous it is, in hopes of convincing girls "not to have one". People think that if we encourage body acceptance and campaign that inner beauty is what's really important that this will minimize the risk of young girls "developing" an eating disorder. People also make the assumption that if the media did not put so much pressure to be thin in order to be attractive or successful that so many girls would not "have" eating disorders.
Well the truth is all of the above are ignorant suggestions and an absolute insult to people suffering from this mental illness. While I'm not opposed to encouraging people to accept their bodies and see the importance is who you are as a person, not what you look like, this is not a solution to the epidemic. This right here is why It is my mission and the mission of many others to spread awareness to the fact that Ed is not some guy you choose to be in a relationship with, yet a stalker that you cannot control. More technically put, Ed is a mental illness. You cannot just not have a mental illness, just like people cannot just not have bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, etc. You wouldn't tell someone with schizophrenia to just stop hearing voices, you cannot tell someone with bipolar disorder to just stop being manic or depressed, and you cannot tell someone with depression to just cheer up and the same with anxiety you cannot just tell them to calm down. It is a mental illness that affects the mind. The more society, doctors, etc, try to cover it up as a choice, addiction, or vanity disease the less research will be done to find exactly what is "causing" this mental illness. We need to find out what is going on in the brain that is causing an eating disorder. By spreading more awareness on the topic we will get closer and closer to having more research being done.
Here are a few examples of how Ed does not just tell me to not eat, or to hate my body, no these are just a few of the major symptoms of having Ed.
This morning 10/10/12, something that happened made me feel stupid, ashamed, insecure, and like I had failed. I really didn't give it much thought, I knew what I had to do to rectify these feelings and I started to do that and just assumed I was over it. To be honest, at first I didn't recognize I was having these feelings until I had a revelation. I was so into what I was working on and enjoying my second cup of coffee, when I noticed the time and knew I needed to stop and eat breakfast. During my recovery from an eating disorder it is very important that I stick to my meal plan and eat when I'm supposed to, if I don't do this it can lead to a relapse. I was not hungry at all and very angry that I couldn't just skip breakfast like I used to because I was never hungry til about lunch time.
So I went into the kitchen mad as hell and started to make a bowl of cereal when I looked down at the cereal I was overwhelmed with feelings and Ed's voice, "this will make you fat", "you really don't have to eat this", "you could just lie and say you had breakfast, your dietitian will never know.", "why don't you skip just this one time, you'll be fine no need to worry, you are planning on having lunch right? See you really don't need breakfast." I tried my best to ignore his suggestions, and sat down to my cereal with tears literally rolling down my face. I was so angry that one minute I'm doing really good, that eating is easier and not a big deal. Then the next minute I'm faced with this. The thought of taking a bite of that cereal was so painful that I just sat and stared at it. Until I realized what had happened!
Because of the feelings I was having earlier the feeling that I was incompetent, turned to my appetite and that's why I felt I was not hungry...for so long when I would screw up, feel bad about myself, make a mistake I would just restrict, binge and purge, or compulsively exercise to rectify those feelings and the fact that I have recognized this is a huge milestone in my recovery.
Another time this happened, I had studied for an upcoming math test, went to a tutor, and really prepared myself. I was so excited, because I knew I was going to ace this test. I couldn't wait to get the results because I knew I'd feel so proud and accomplished...I'd feel for once that I was capable of being smart. Well the day came when I got my test back and complete horror struck as I saw my grade...61 in a circle, in red sharpie. I felt as if someone had crushed me and knocked me on the ground. I was so close to breaking out in tears. How could this have happened? I studied so hard and really went the extra mile to make a good grade. So of course I felt stupid, incompetent, like a failure, and in utter disgust of myself and my stupidity. When I got into the car that night I burst into tears, yelling at myself, "you're so stupid, you will never be smart". And what do you think happened next? I went through a drive through ordered whatever I wanted and begin to binge and then purge. This made me feel better, this reminded me that although I'm stupid at least I control my weight, at least I have the power to accomplish losing weight. I felt such a sense of relief after purging.
The next time Ed sneaked in through my personal life was when I walked in my room from a long stressful day at work and on my bed were a pile of bills. I picked them up and felt so overwhelmed. I also felt irresponsible, unworthy, stupid, angry with myself and most importantly out of control. So of course Ed chimed in, "well you can't manage your finances, but you can manage your weight. Go workout a lot tonight and make yourself feel better. You should do extra tonight so you can see how successful you are at managing your weight. This will make you feel better.". So what did I do, I grabbed my stuff and went to the gym asap, once there I let myself go and only focused on how fast I was running, how hard I was working out and the number of calories I'd burned. Once I left the gym of course Ed was telling me I could have done more that I can't even stand to have a good workout, how was I ever going to control my weight. So yes, I forgot about the bills, but no I did not feel better.
These are just a few examples in my life as to how Ed disrupts every part. How Ed sneaks in and makes losing weight first priority, how he convinces me that as long as I lose weight nothing else matters.
I hope this helps you see that an eating disorder is not about food and appearance, It's about much more. Ed having me convinced that losing weight was the first priority in my life had me forget everything else that mattered. I forgot how to manage my feelings, how to sit with negative feelings, how to rectify my self criticism. After many years of this, I am now learning through recovery how to deal with my emotions and the many life stresses. I'm learning how to figure out where all this self criticism comes from and how to change it. It's a daily process and it's very confusing trying to figure out everything going on in my mind, but I'm working on it. :)
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