It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

     Haha! Yesterday was my birthday ...it was pretty lame. I feel like whining. LOL Lately I've had a chip on my shoulder lately, and I know I just need to get it off. So, yeah I'm going to. Life is so beautiful and I need to start living like it is. So no more pouting. I know what I need to do to be happy and I just need to do it.

     My brother took me to the movies and that was really sweet of him. 

     So update, the not smoking thing is so not working. I have no idea how I'm going to quit. :( Bummer. It's too expensive. Now that I have to buy them myself I'm like dang I don't need to spend that much money killing myself slowly. LOL

     The not drinking thing is not going too well either. Once I finish this bottle I'll be done and won't buy anymore. Well, I say that now but, I don't know you know. Temptation is a little bit much. I feel like I'm just being stupid. I know I am. I know I'm just giving in to temptation. I feel like once I talk to my therapist about it she will give me good advice. She's so awesome, she always gives me so much advice and really helps me. So I can't wait to see her again.

     So, let's see what else? Um, I'm really liking my job, it's a lot of pressure, but it's worth it. I am definitely going to work really hard because I know I can move up. I do work really hard. It's hard...because I get graded on the appointments I set and... I haven't been able to get appointments. I literally spend all day on the phone calling people trying to get them to come in. I mostly get voice mails. It sucks. So my boss said we are going to have to start going out to the public and get memberships that way. At first I was like oh yeah I can do that, but now I'm like oh crap this is going to be hard. Like how do you go up to someone while they are shopping and be like "Hi, do you want to sign up at the gym?"? So yeah I'm a bit nervous, but I know I will be great because I have a great personality and I'm not afraid to talk to people. So yeah, it will be interesting. I don't understand why we just don't run a special...if we did that we would get a ton of people. So, I'm going to talk to my boss and suggest some ideas. We will see how that goes.

     I feel like people are now thinking well you can eat now so you just need to get over it. Ha! If that was the case then...I would be perfectly fine. So anyways, I still have ED thoughts constantly and I feel lost. So...yeah. It's not like I am just being stupid and I just need to get over it. It's dumb for people to think or suggest that. Yes, I know there are some things I can control and I need to make better choices, but as far as the whole recovery thing...it's not like just because I can eat now everything is okay and I'm better. I still have trouble eating certain things, I still fight wanting to starve or purge. I still feel like I don't want to let it go because if I do that means I'll be fat the rest of my life. I don't know I just can't get over that. I'm terrified that If I'm not afraid of food then I'll just be fat. I know I've lost weight and inches and I do look a lot better, but its hard for me to really see that because I feel the same. There are still days I want to hide from the world because I feel disgusting. It's hard. Every time I work out I do just enough and I always feel like I should have done more. My dietician said I should only do an hour a day. I don't think that's enough, but I have been following her advice.

     I'm feeling better today, not as depressed so I'm hoping that I will be a lot better soon. Now that the lights on my car work I have the freedom to do whatever I want and it is amazing. :D I can't wait. Well I think that's all I have for today. Thanks for reading.

oy

     So Okay I know I haven't been posting a lot and that's because I've kinda been out of it. Life has been kinda weird lately. I just don't feel right. I go to work and come home and sleep. That's all I do. I'm lonely and sad. I feel trapped. I don't enjoy anything and I know I'm depressed. So, yeah I haven't been taking my medications regularly. I know that has something to do with it. I hate I have to rely on medications to stabilize my mood. It makes me feel legit crazy. Last Friday night the 23rd I got wasted at a friends house with some other friends. Ever since that night things have been off. I've been drinking all week. I even went out and bought liquor. Idk what is wrong with me and why I'm making stupid choices. I know I shouldn't drink so why am I? I don't know. It doesn't even make me feel good anymore. It just makes me feel sick. So yeah on top of that I've been sick every day for the past week and a half. I don't know if it's been a stomach bug or what. Also I haven't been smoking as much as I used to because for some reason it just doesn't feel good anymore and it also makes me feel sick. Maybe this is God's way of making me quit. Well God, it's working. I'm ready to quit. I'm all out of cigarettes and my mom won't buy me any so...I'll be quitting. This will be the first day I don't smoke in I can't remember so I'm pretty nervous. 

 I don't know why, but I've been really hungry the past like four days. I hate it because I used to never be hungry. It's like ever since I've started working I like to eat. I hate it. I don't want to like food. It's awful. I even have had fast food twice. I did feel a little guilty, but it wasn't that bad. I just shrugged it off. I haven't seen my therapist or dietician now in 3 weeks. It really sucks, I really need to see them. I called my insurance and they have agreed to do a single case agreement for me to see my therapist so now I'm just waiting for my therapist to negotiate with them and see if it is a for sure deal. Last night I binged and purged twice, back to back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know why I did it. I don't want to live without ED, I'm terrified now that I'm not afraid to eat that I will just be a huge fat ass the rest of my life. ED still has his grip on me and last night I gave in to his temptation. It was a really weird experience. Still I can't believe I used to do that everyday. It felt kinda relieving but more weird than anything. Some things at work have triggered me a lot and I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. I was feeling good about my body earlier this week. Just Thursday I went to work out and I wore a tank top...this has never been done. I felt confident. Then for some reason, Friday I just started feeling huge and disgusting. I can't shake it. I hate wearing clothes I just want to hide in my room all day. 

Today I am going to start taking my medications regularly and I'm going to follow my meal plan to a T. I'm getting back on track. I also am stuck on step 3 of the 12 steps I just can't get myself to surrender. I don't know why. It sucks I really want to move on with the steps. I'm trapped. I hate this feeling I wish it would go away. Well I'm going to start reading more ED literature this week and do some mindfulness and prayer. I've got to get back on track or I know I'll end up puking my guts up every day. I don't want that, I really don't. So here's to getting back on the right track.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

~Dedicated to Meg~

I'd like to take this time to thank my friend and my biggest supporter, Meg. :D 

     Meg's birthday was on Monday!! Happy Birthday Meg! I thought what a great time to honor her. 

     I met Meg 2 years ago when she moved from Indiana to Texas. She is my uncles cousin. She moved down here for a job. We became friends and slowly we became really good friends. I never knew how good of friends we were until the night I tried to take my life. She was living in Kingswood at the time which is 45 minutes from me. She drove all the way to the hospital to see me at like 11:30 at night even though she had to work the next day. Ever since then she has been such an amazing friend and one of my greatest supporters in my recovery. While I was in treatment she wrote me letters, cards, and even sent me little gifts. When I came home she was here for me 100%. She took the time to learn about my eating disorder and became very educated on it. She has read all my post since day one. I was so shocked that she wanted to learn more and actually did. She even took the time to do some research on her own. 

      I have no idea how, but she always knows the right things to say. No one outside of my therapist, dietician, and the people who have eating disorders themselves understand. Someway, somehow, she understands. I know that God has put her in my life for a reason. I cannot even express how much she has done for me. She has been there for me so much and is always there.She has seen me at my worst, she's dealt with me sobbing and still when I am the hugest mess, she still always knows what to say. I have no idea how. I just know that God has given her the wisdom to help me. I will forever be grateful to her. She is such an amazing person. I love her dearly. I will always be grateful to her. She not only is a great supporter and friend she is also a very talented photographer. Take some time to check out her work at http://www.megsloan.com/.

Meg, thank you. You are so awesome! I love you dearly and I just thank you so much for being such an awesome friend! :D

*screaming in my pillow to drowned out the noise*

Oh man, I'm so angry. What happened? Where did all this come from? Who am I?

I feel so lost. Thanksgiving sucked! I was all ready to conquer the day and feeling pretty confident about it. I was excited to spend the day with my family. Then last minute I find out my uncles parents are coming, my uncles mom is anorexic/bulimic. So I immediately kinda just fell apart. No one understands and they never will. I guess that's why I feel so alone lately. I just freaked out and it really ruined everything. I finally went downstairs to conquer the trigger and eat my meal as planned, but as soon as I got a plate and tried to fix it I dropped it and ran out the door and started sobbing. My sister came out and helped me. She was so sweet and supportive. So long story short, I ate and I was fine. Friday I left work early because I was not feeling well and honestly I just didn't want to be there. Friday night I got wasted with some friends and called in to work on Saturday. My whole weekend was a big blur I pretty much slept all weekend. I went to work yesterday from 10:30 to 4pm and it was so awful, all I did was make phone calls all day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to stick with this job, honestly all I do is make phone calls and no one ever answers. I work 12-9 today and it's going to suck, I'm not looking forward to making phone calls for eight freaking hours.

Anyways, I feel really lost lately, and alone. I really just don't know who I am. Life is so blah, I feel trapped. I don't have IOP anymore and I need to find a therapist and dietician and yet at the same time I'm sick of recovery, I just want to go on with life. I know that's not going to happen. I know I need to stay in "recovery mode". I know I need to make recovery my first priority and everything else second. I just feel weird. Eating has become really easy and I'm afraid of just being fat. I mean I don't overeat, I portion my meals, I eat just enough and I'm done, so why am I terrified of losing control if I've shown so much control? I just feel like I need to restrict (not eat) for a few days to get some control back. Maybe I feel my life is out of control. IDK I just want a normal life. I feel like right now everything is in the process of getting back in order and I just need to wait through it all. IDK again I just don't know. I'm extremely angry, I feel like It's time to let go of ED all the way, but something is holding me back. What is it? Why am I clinging to the last bits of ED and not letting go. Why do I feel like I'm losing a piece of me. Why does my life feel so empty without ED? Life is just so blah, I feel sad and really lonely and I don't know why? I feel kind of numb and just like so miserable. I don't know what's really going on, but today I will find out. I'm going to finish step three and start looking for a therapist. I am going to get back into "recovery mode" and keep going. I can't let my passions die. I have to fulfill them or I'll lose sight of all that's good in this life. I want the good in my life.

Sorry for all the randomness I just needed to vent and write all my feelings on paper. I do feel so much better. :) Take care my lovelies.

Saying goodbye

     

Saying goodbye!
 Tuesday in group we talked about the stage in recovery when eating is under control and it's actually time to say goodbye to your ed. Now logically you would think this would be easy. Especially because all the turmoil your ed put you through, everything it stole from you, all the harm it did to your body, all the people it hurt, all the lonely nights laying in bed with stomach pains too afraid to go to the kitchen for fear of binging so you just lay in bed praying you can fall asleep. Then waking up in the morning paralyzed in bed because you are terrified you have gained weight and you have to weigh as soon as you get up but, if you gained you can bet your bottom ed will cause havoc in your day. So....why is it hard to say goodbye?

Your not just saying goodbye to all the bad your saying goodbye to all the "good", to all you know, to the only way you have lived life for years. I know anyone not suffering from ed, most likely will not understand so I will try my best to explain.

Having an eating disorder...we feel empowered by ED, he makes us feel competent, so I didn't make the grade I wanted on that test, Ed tells me "Holly, it's okay, at least you skipped lunch, good job". Screw up at work Ed tells me, "Holly its okay just don't eat the rest of the day, that will make you feel better". Get rejected by a guy, "Holly it's because your fat and I know that makes you sad so why don't you go buy a dozen of donuts stuff your face and then puke it all up, you know that high you get from purging, that will make you feel better".

Every time we starve, over exercise, purge, Ed commends us, makes us feel superior to everyone else. When we sit and watch others eat, Ed tells us, you're so much stronger than them, you don't have to eat. When were lonely Ed comforts us and tells us once your thin you will be so popular and happy. When we feel like a failure Ed tells us it's okay you can fast for a few days and feel so accomplished.

After living with Ed for so long, it's hard to imagine your life without him. What will you do if life doesn't go your way if Ed is not there to save the day. Who are you without Ed? How will you do life without ED? Here is an inside look of my session with my therapist on Tuesday.

I told her I feel like I'm not ready to let go all the way. I told her I think that's why I've been restricting for so long lately. I'm not sure if I can say goodbye. Then I started to sob, I kept saying, "I just don't know.....I don't know...I don't know what life will be like. I've had this for almost 5 years, how do I live without it, I just don't know". She replied that what I was feeling is normal and that it's time for me to grieve the loss of my eating disorder. She said like when grieving for a loved one you will go through the 5 stages of grieving. I just sat there, tears rolling down my face staring at the floor. I finally looked up at her and started talking about how I should be excited to live life without Ed, I should be happy that I won't be having stomach pains from not eating, that I won't be a raging bitch because I'm starving, that I won't be so tired and grumpy, that I won't have headaches and aches all over, that I won't have muscle cramps. I continued to tell her, I can't imagine going to work all day and not eating and that I could not imagine staying up half the night puking my guts up and then going to work the next morning, so why do I feel like life is going to be hard without Ed?

Life without Ed is the unknown, literally. I have no idea what my life will be like without ed. I have absolutely no idea and honestly that's scary. I already miss him. After my therapist told me I will go through the five stages of grieving I reflected on the past month or so and I realized, Woah! I have. I have gone through denial, anger, oh man lots of anger, bargaining, and right now what I'm feeling this sadness this fear is depression. So I am on my way to saying goodbye. Soon I will be writing my goodbye letter to Ed because life has to be better without him and although I fear it, I also look forward to it. 

 ~You've done all the things that could kill you somehow ~
And you're so far down,
But you will survive this somehow,
Because life starts now

Update!!!

So I am way behind on post...sorry guys, I've been super busy lately.
     So Friday Nov. 9th, I got a call qrom my gym, asking me to come in for an interview! I was so ecstatic, I had applied there awhile back. This is another job btw then the other one I had applied at. So a little info. My gym is like 10 min down the road, it's a womens only gym, it has all the amenities you can imagine and free child care. :)
     So Friday I went on the interview and it went great. Friday night I got a call saying I got the job and I start Monday!!! Okay guys, this such a huge huge huge blessing. My position is in sales so basically, I'm in charge of getting people to join the gym. :D
      So Monday, my boss and I went to Kroger to do what's called an onsite. It's when the gym has an amazing promotion and we sign people up right there. This was fun, my boss is really cool btw. So I ended up signing up quite a few people and my boss left me there the last hour alone and I sold 4 more. This made me feel so so great, because she already trusted me. I got commended on my first day which made me feel even better.
     Last week my therapist told me that I could come one last week and they wouldn't worry about the cost but, fortunately they got my insurance to cover. So the next step is getting my insurance to do a single case agreement for me to do outpatient, which would be just me getting to see the same dietician and therapist. Right now I am in IOP which is Intensive Outpatient. So the fantastic news is I get to spend hours on the phone with my insurance company bugging them like crazy to get them to approve this. FYI insurance SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you have an eating disorder. This is why I am so passionate about ED awareness. The more awareness there is then the doctors and insurance companies will have no other choice to offer more care. I'll write another post on this alone!

So that's the current on my life. I'm going to write another post on more updates. I don't like to make post too long b/c I know nobody wants to read a lonnnnnng post about me blabbering on my life lol.

After math of last post

Okay guys,                              Nov. 7th
      So I got a lot of bad information this past week. Here's an overview
*Found out my insurance is no longer going to pay for outpatient. 
*Went to an interview for a great full time job and found out It wont be possible for me to start b/c of car issues. 
*Have been restricting lately :(

Remember in my last post how I was talking about not being able to fully trust God etc?

Well last night...I prayed a very simple prayer. I prayed for freedom of this disease, the motivation to recover, and I asked God to help me to trust him and to help me give my life to him. 

This morning I woke up and received a call from someone interested in buying my car. So I decided to go on a second interview for the job. My neighbor is selling her car for the amount I'm selling mine. So the day went on and the guy is coming by my house tonight to buy my car. If I get the job I am going to buy my neighbors car. :) 

So the good news is next week is my last week in outpatient, wait that's not good news. lol The good news is that if I do in fact get the job I will have so many benefits for my recovery being that I won't be able to go to outpatient anymore.

*I will get a full time job to keep me busy
*I will have a car and gas money to go to as many EDA and AA meetings as possible. 
*I can meet with my sponsor and continue my 12 steps.
*This job offers me one day off during the week and then I get to choose what day on the weekend I want to work. 
*On my day off I can schedule all my appointments ie; Therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician. 
*Sense I will no longer be in the outpatient program I will have to find a new therapist and dietician :( I hate this part b/c I love my current ones soooooo sooooo much. :(
*the good part is with a full time job I can afford a dietician. They are pricey bc my insurance might not cover it bc I don't have diabetes. Oh the perks of trying to get better. ;) 
 *Also with a full time job I can afford to start boxing lessons! 

Also I enrolled in a beauty school yesterday, just waiting to find out how much it cost and if I will in fact be able to start in January or not. So lots of good things are coming out of this. My point is I prayed for God to help me trust him and he has opened so many doors for me just in one day. :D I am so so so grateful to God. I am just beyond gratitude. :D 

I feel like I am finally getting my life back and can start living to the fullest amidst my recovery.

I am just so grateful and excited I wanted to share with you guys the grace of God and his goodness! :D