So it looks like I have not posted since June. Well, here's the scoop. I relapsed in July over the guy I was talking about...I mean that was not the whole reason but it had a lot to do with it. I got right back in the program and collected 22 days clean and then I went out again. :( That time it was not pretty. Things got scary. I ended up doing things I'd never done before. I had reached a really low place. I want to share the story with you because I want you to see that no matter how bad things get you can always come out stronger and better.
I came home one morning after being gone all night, still very high. I walked in and my mom was packing my room, they had not known I'd relapsed again, but while my mom was packing my room she found bottles. So she was fed up and done and I completely understood. I just told her that I would go and it was fine. At the time my sister was holding on to my money for me and I waited for her to get home on her lunch break and told her I needed my money, long story short we got into a fight, things got physical. I remember being numb...I was crying but couldn't feel much. I remember standing in the hallway screaming at my mom that I wasn't done and I didn't want to stop. I told her to just let me go live in my car. At the time I was hopeless and I was sick of trying and I just wanted to use until things got too bad then I would stop. So long story short I was admitted back into rehab that day because my parents were terrified to let me go but they didn't want me at home. Understandable.
I was still high and just kinda going through the motions. I didn't want rehab. I was in detox and I was so hopeless. I remember praying one day, "God I don't know what to do anymore, please help me." Then I heard, "let go". That frustrated me but relieved me that he was still there. I was really scared. I knew what was waiting for me if I continued to use and it was not happy ever after. I stayed in my room most of the time and didn't talk to anyone. My sponsor came to see me and I cried and cried and told her how scared I was. Day 7 came and my counselor said that insurance was not going to cover anymore and I had to go, but my parents are not letting me come home. So I was looking at women's shelters because I didn't know where I was going to go.
My counselor and I went to talk to my Doctor and explained my situation. He said that he knew a man that was independently wealthy and would donate money to me so that I could go live in an oxford house. ( that's like sober living) I burst into tears. I remember thinking this guy barely knows me and he's just gonna give me a check?
That afternoon my counselor handed me a check in my name. Mind you I am an addict, leaving rehab with a check in my name. But It was a sign from God to me. He didn't want me to continue on this route and he made a way out of no way. That was a Friday. That weekend I stayed with a family whose husband is in the program. I had my interview for an oxford house near my family and was accepted Sunday. I decided to give this a try and take every suggestion given to me. I have now been clean for 5 months Jan 1st. I love living in the Oxford house, its like I have a second family. I have finished my 12 steps and am now able to sponsor.
Life is not always easy but its wonderful today. I have an amazing relationship with God and he has helped me time and time again. It's still a lot of work but it is all worth it. I;m so grateful today. I've changed so much in the past 5 months. Its awesome. This program is not just about keeping you sober, it changes your whole attitude and outlook on life. I'm very happy today and I will continue to work at this and give back. I'm very happy to say that I'm finally doing this. I will post more stories of things that have happened throughout these past 5 months. But I'll end here for today.
As always Thanks for reading,
Child of God
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