I went to the 6:30am meeting today and it was great. The topic was happy, joyous, and free. I am happy and I'm becoming more free.
Not too long ago I would wake up in the morning and be mad that I woke up. I didn't want to live anymore. I would pray that God would just let me die. I was so tired of fighting. I was hopeless. I couldn't see a light. Now I wake up and I'm happy that I awoke. I have hopes and dreams again. I'm excited for my future. I have a purpose in life. God has a plan for me and I don't know exactly what that plan is, but I trust that it's a great one. I am here to help people. :D
Today I saw a friend from treatment at the meeting and it was so nice to see her. Unfortunately I found out she relapsed. It's such a sad thing to hear. It reminds me of how tricky this disease is and that at any moment I can slip. I don't want to slip, so I have to keep my guard up. I have to go to meetings, and work my steps, pray, and read the big book. I have to do service work. So anyways I talked to the lady for awhile after the meeting and I gave her my number. I told her to keep in contact with me and were going to get together and have lunch one day. It's important to fellowship with people in the program. I know that I can plant a seed to anyone who is struggling and help them. It feels good that I can be of service to someone else.
I'm so excited for life. It hasn't been too easy the past few days. I'm struggling with body image and all those wonderful thoughts. BLAH! It's really paralyzing and I know this thinking is sabotaging and will take me out. I'm going to see my therapist today! Thank God! I really need to talk to her. I am starting to pray that God will take my obsession with food and body image issues away. It's a hard thing to pray for because it's a hard thing for me to let go of. I really want to be rid of this, but it's so hard. I know it sounds foolish. It is. I just truly believe if I was thin life would be so much easier and I'd be happy. I know that's not true. I'm pretty happy right now. I will continue to pray about this and hopefully see some clarity. Well I'm off to get ready now. As always thanks for reading. :)
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