uh.....hi

Hey guys,
     So this is probably going to be the most random pity party, rambling, blog post ever.

     So you are probably all wondering why I haven't posted in ages. Well...lots has happened. I just got out of rehab for drugs and alcohol. Yay, another rehab. UGH! So what happened? I got home from TK and things were going good. I got a great job, got better and then boom, I started drinking, then I started using drugs. It all happened so fast. One minute I was binge drinking on the weekend and the next I was drinking every single day. I started dating guys that drank and used drugs and I'd spend every night with them drinking and drugging until I blacked out. I'd go to work the next day and then do it all over again. I know now that I started drinking to replace my eating disorder. I was so unhappy for some reason and drinking and drugging was my temporary happiness. Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to function without it. I stopped taking all my medications and went into a state of mania. I have bipolar disorder so that happens sometimes, especially if I'm not on my meds. If you don't know what mania is...google it.

     So...I turned into psycho chick again. I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I could use again. It ruled my life. Well, I did care about my job and that sent me over the edge. Like always, I'm a competitive, perfectionist and I needed to be the best. I'm also a workaholic. Work was extremely stressful and we were in competition. I worked my butt off and drove myself insane. I used every night until I blacked out and then went to work the next day. It was the only thing that brought me happiness. Then it got to the point to where I let my self pity take control and kinda gave up.
   
     One night when I was with one of the guys I was dating we were smoking and drinking and he asked, "Do you wanna try some other stuff?" I replied YES!! And that scared me. I realized then I should probably get some help. If not, who knows what I'd be doing.  So I talked with my therapist and decided I couldn't stop on my own and off to rehab I went.

I spent 29 days in rehab and then got kicked out for not going to all my groups throughout the day. Now I'm home and going to like 3 AA or NA meetings a day. I'm looking for a day program and trying to find a sponsor. This lady that was going to be my sponsor told me she couldn't work with me because she thought I "wasn't done using". I don't know why she thinks that. I do want to be sober and clean. It's really hard.

     I'm so miserable. I don't want to live. I hate life. I hate waking up. I don't care about anything. I have no desire to live. The only thing that is keeping me from offing myself is my family. I've already caused them so much pain I can't do that to them. Although I feel like everyone's life would be better without me. Well, the other thing that is keeping me from dying is the fact that I was raised to believe if you commit suicide you go straight to hell. I wish I didn't believe that.

     Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm just a lost soul. All I want to do is use to take these feelings away. And of course when I tell the doctors this they just give me more medication because it's "my disorders" causing all this. I don't know whether that's true or not. Sure it'd be nice to believe that, It's not my fault, my brain is just not working right. But I feel like it's my fault. I know I'm just too lazy to try anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to die. Sometimes I pray that God would just let me die.

     Everyone is just so sick of me and my "issues". Today I am going to be productive though. I'm going to clean my room and help out around the house and read the big book. I have to start trying. If I'm not trying I might as well be dead and sense I'm not going to kill myself I should at least try.

     I miss the days when I had dreams and hopes. I miss the days when I was innocent and happy. I miss the rush of accomplishment. Now there is nothing. I can't wait to see my therapist, she always understands me and has the best advice. Im still having trouble believing in God and giving him all this. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so stupid. I know he can take all this away but I refuse to give it to him.

     So this is life now. I don't really know if you can call this life. I feel like I'm in a temporary hell. Ok so that's what is going on. Until next time....