update

       So I'm going for an assessment tomorrow at the rehab I was in to come back. I don't need inpatient but its the only way I can get to php and not have to pay. I'm wondering if maybe they will just put me in PHP without having to do inpatient that would be great. But if I do have to do inpatient it will just be for a few days. My boss wants me to come back to work, but I'm really scared. I feel like I need to be an adult, suck it up and get back to work. I'm just scared because stress is my biggest trigger and my job is really stressful. I feel like how I feel about it does not matter because I need to take care of my finances so I just need to deal with it. So I'll probably start working on the weekends.

     My family thinks I shouldn't go back to work just yet. So it's either be stressed about not having money or be stressed from making money. EEK! I'm really proud of myself for staying sober. God is really helping me not have a desire to use. I love AA meetings I feel safe there and they really help me to stay sober.

     My parents are wanting to go back to church so now they are going to be on that. I think its great that they want to go to church, but they get all worked up about it and then start judging me for the most ridiculous things and I just don't need that right now. As I'm writing this I can't help but think of what some of my friends would say...and I feel like I have to justify my feelings. Another perspective is always great but I am entitled to feel however I want and I shouldn't feel the need to justify my feelings.

     The religion I grew up in is just not for me. I don't care about religion any more. I care about my relationship with God and my spirituality. I want to have a relationship with God and I want to be a good person, but I don't need religion for that. Now that my parents are wanting to go back to their beliefs they are going to force it on me and I'm very resentful to the way I grew up. I know I need to work on that and try not to be so bitter. It's just a lot of really screwed up things were done to my family and to others "in the church". I don't believe a man has the right to dictate your life. I was one of those people that did wrong and judged others simply by how they looked and I regret that. I don't want to ever be like that again. God is a just God and he does not care how you look. Sheesh, it's just the most ridiculous thing ever. I refuse to comply to those standards. There are so many wonderful people in this world and just because they don't look a certain way...they are going to hell? I think not. Anyways I really think the religion I grew up in is like a cult and it disgust me. Sorry I needed to vent about that. Anyways I'm done.

     One of the hardest things about recovery is feeling. For so long I numbed myself out. I never dealt with bad feelings because I'd just get drunk and high and push them deep down. Now I can't turn to a bottle or pipe when I feel bad. I have to find out where the feeling is coming from and just sit with it. This may sound like an easy thing to do. It's just I'm not used to feeling and I hate feeling bad. Who doesn't? I mean I have to relearn how to live life on life's terms. There are going to be things that make me sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc but I just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I'm working on it. So anyways, things are going good and that's all I have for now. Thanks as always for reading. Much love! :D

It's happening!

So I'm finally making some progress and seeing more hope. Not gonna lie things still get really rough, but I'm able to handle it. Okay seriously, everyone should have a sponsor for life. It's awesome to have someone to talk to whenever you need them...like they are just always there for you. And mine is so great because it's like she's a sober version of me. :D

     So like I'm going back to treatment for a few days just so I can get stepped down to php and have it covered by insurance. So my addict mind started racing and I was like man I really wanna get messed up before I go back. What's the point in staying sober when I'm going back to treatment. So I made this extravagant plan on how I was going to get really messed up for a few days. This plan would seriously probably ruin my life, really hurt everyone I love and possibly put myself in danger. So I was like really excited about it and then I started thinking about how bad this would hurt my family and just really ruin all the progress I've made. Then someone from treatment needed some support and I was there to help them and then I realized if I wouldn't have been sober last night, I would not have been able to help her. So then I just had like a spiritual awakening type thing and had no desire to use. This is like super cool because I could have got some really good stuff and for an addict that is not easy to say no to. But God took my desire away and I am so grateful for that. I went through a lot of hard emotions the past 24 hours and I stayed sober. I met with my sponsor and now I feel so much better :D! I'm so proud of myself. It feels really good wanting to be sober. I love it! :D I feel like I've just babbled a lot. Oh well I just had to tell you guys about this! :D
Thanks for reading!

lots to tell

     So...thought I'd fill everyone in on what's going on. I relapsed last Wednesday night. I'm such an idiot. I had 34 days clean and sober and my dumb ass contacted an old using "friend". I say "friend" because he's actually an asshole that I should run away from. Anyways, I don't know what I was thinking getting in contact with him, but that's a whole other story. So anyways I went to his place and got high and I did the same thing the next night.

     Somehow my mom found out...I have no idea how and it's still driving me crazy. They took my phone away, wouldn't let me on the computer and wouldn't let me drive anymore. They also told me that If I didn't get sober that I needed to find somewhere else to live. I don't blame them. I've put them through hell. They have given me more than enough chances to prove myself and I just keep stabbing them in the back. The sad thing is at the time I didn't care. I hit the "fuck it switch".

     I  called my boss to ask her to unfreeze my gym membership so I could come workout and she was like "your not coming back? We've been holding your position for you?" I was stunned and I told her I would let her know asap. So that made me feel so good. I started crying because someone that is not my family sees potential in me and that just really meant a lot to me. I'm terrified to go back to work so I was looking for an outpatient program. I went for an assessment and found out it's a 6 week program, four days a week, four hours a day. My first thoughts were "screw that, I wouldn't be able to get high for 6 weeks". Then the lady told me that I had to start my sobriety date all over, that I can't have one for drugs and one for alcohol. That pissed me off and I was like well if I would have known that I would have drank. She replied with, "only an addict would say that".

     So I went home and told my parents I wasn't going to do that and that I would just go to a ton of meetings and go back to work. Then that night I went to a meeting and talked with my sponsor and decided I needed to do the program. So I decided to try this. Drugs will always be there, I can always go back, but why not just try the program and see if It makes me happy and if it doesn't work I can always go back out.

     There is a huge part of me that wants to get sober, but I still struggle with not wanting to be sober. The biggest thing for me is I'm just so sick of fighting. As soon as the drugs and alcohol were out of my system all my ed thoughts came back up and I'm so sick of it. So on top of trying to get clean and sober I'm also dealing with ED again. I am just sabotaging myself. I know what I need to do. I know that I will be happier. I know that this guy, and drugs will lead me to my death. I know that if I screw up I will lose my family and friends once and for all. I know that if I go back out I'll probably end up being a crack whore. Unfortunately that's not a joke. I've never even done crack though, I just know that weed will not cut it after awhile and I'll probably try everything and then end up addicted to the hardcore stuff. I know all these things so why am I being stupid?

     I hear a lot of people in AA talk about how they thought they were the "exception". They thought they could use and still live life. They just had to control it better and be more sneaky. Then they say how that didn't work and they just ended up worse off. I've been thinking "I'm the exception". I've been scheming plans inside my head of how I am going to live and still use. How my life can get back to normal, but I can still go get high. HA! I got it all figured out, huh? Nope, I know that will not work.

     I didn't want to meet my sponsor yesterday, but I kicked myself in the ass and made myself go. Afterwards, I felt 10 times better and had some hope. I was completely honest with her. She has been through everything and more that I have. She understands me completely. She's almost 3 years sober. She struggled with bulimia and love addiction as well as drugs and alcohol just like me. She also has bipolar disorder, just like me. It's like I was talking to a smarter, sober, happier version of myself. I already love her. I told her how I'm not sure if I want to be sober and she said that's normal and that's okay. She suggested we get to working the steps and if I change my mind that's great and if not I can stop at any time and go back out.

      I felt some hope. I went to two meetings last night and got more hope. People in AA are just amazing. They talk about how much better their lives are now and how they are happy and free. They talk about how the obsession and desire to use went away. They talk about how awesome the program is and how it worked for them. Meetings are my safe haven. As soon as I walk into the room I feel safe. Everyone in the room understands me. Strangers come up to me and I feel like I'm talking to long lost friends. I get my motivation in those rooms and I get my hope there.

     So I'm actually trying now. I'm not going to lie and say "oh I can't wait to be clean and sober and I'm just so happy", because that's not how I feel at all. But I am going to try, wholeheartedly. I know what I need to do. My life has to revolve around recovery. I have to read the big book of AA, talk to my sponsor everyday, go to as many meetings as I can, make friends with fellow recovering addicts, and pray. These things seem so simple, but they are much easier to not do. I'm going to start a checklist for everyday and check off the things I did.

     My life is on the line now. No, I didn't hit rock bottom, but a new friend of mine told me, "you can get off the elevator at any floor". That makes perfect sense to me. I don't have to go all the way down to the basement.

     I love my family and friends, I don't act like it a lot, but I truly do. I do feel bad for everything I've done. I do want to have a relationship with these people again. I just hate how they seem to think that I can just flip a switch and be sober. It's not that simple. If it was I would have stopped drinking and using a long time ago. Heck, if it was that easy I wouldn't have a problem in the first place. It's a 24 hour struggle. I have a ton of work ahead of me. I don't expect everyone to act like everything's okay now and our relationships go back to normal. I just would like them to accept the fact that this is not easy and this time I actually am trying.

     I feel all alone in this world, until I step into a meeting. I've been numb for so long, so feeling emotions is really hard for me. Last night I felt hurt. The kind of hurt when you have to let go of someone you love. It's a painful, painful feeling. I  can't stand it. All I want to do is numb out. I know that is not the answer. I have to face this head on. I got in contact with a sober friend today and were going to try and meet up. She's such a great support to me. We are going through a lot of the same things amidst the addiction part. I'm going to journal about these feelings I'm having and see if I can pin point what's causing it.

     I know this post was super long, sorry bout that, but I had to get all this out on "paper". I feel a little better, like I just took a rock off my shoulders. Thanks to all my readers. I appreciate your support.

CAGED

So...breakthrough....I think. :/

So last night I agreed to babysit last night. The thing is I had babysat for this family before and there is liquor in the apartment. I agreed and Idk why. I knew it was a bad idea. I was setting myself up for failure. I had a lot of thoughts. They preceeded as followed.

1-crap this is a bad idea
2-screw it I'm going to drink
3-no, no, no, I need to stay sober, I can do this.

So I went to my 7pm meeting and I asked her to hide the liquor and she did. She trusted me. It felt good to be trusted. Anyways. I was a nervous wreck. I had so much anxiety. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was in an apartment with liquor hidden somewhere and I couldn't drink it. :/ I was on the phone constantly with my sober contacts. At the end of the night I didn't drink. I'm so proud of myself, but the rest of the night was awful. My cravings were insane and I couldn't stop thinking about using. It sucked. :( Any ways I'm awake and my brain is going crazy. I feel sick I don't know why. My anxiety is like a 10 and I just woke up. UGH! Anyways so mile stone for me yay!

uh.....hi

Hey guys,
     So this is probably going to be the most random pity party, rambling, blog post ever.

     So you are probably all wondering why I haven't posted in ages. Well...lots has happened. I just got out of rehab for drugs and alcohol. Yay, another rehab. UGH! So what happened? I got home from TK and things were going good. I got a great job, got better and then boom, I started drinking, then I started using drugs. It all happened so fast. One minute I was binge drinking on the weekend and the next I was drinking every single day. I started dating guys that drank and used drugs and I'd spend every night with them drinking and drugging until I blacked out. I'd go to work the next day and then do it all over again. I know now that I started drinking to replace my eating disorder. I was so unhappy for some reason and drinking and drugging was my temporary happiness. Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to function without it. I stopped taking all my medications and went into a state of mania. I have bipolar disorder so that happens sometimes, especially if I'm not on my meds. If you don't know what mania is...google it.

     So...I turned into psycho chick again. I didn't care about anyone or anything. The only thing that mattered was when I could use again. It ruled my life. Well, I did care about my job and that sent me over the edge. Like always, I'm a competitive, perfectionist and I needed to be the best. I'm also a workaholic. Work was extremely stressful and we were in competition. I worked my butt off and drove myself insane. I used every night until I blacked out and then went to work the next day. It was the only thing that brought me happiness. Then it got to the point to where I let my self pity take control and kinda gave up.
   
     One night when I was with one of the guys I was dating we were smoking and drinking and he asked, "Do you wanna try some other stuff?" I replied YES!! And that scared me. I realized then I should probably get some help. If not, who knows what I'd be doing.  So I talked with my therapist and decided I couldn't stop on my own and off to rehab I went.

I spent 29 days in rehab and then got kicked out for not going to all my groups throughout the day. Now I'm home and going to like 3 AA or NA meetings a day. I'm looking for a day program and trying to find a sponsor. This lady that was going to be my sponsor told me she couldn't work with me because she thought I "wasn't done using". I don't know why she thinks that. I do want to be sober and clean. It's really hard.

     I'm so miserable. I don't want to live. I hate life. I hate waking up. I don't care about anything. I have no desire to live. The only thing that is keeping me from offing myself is my family. I've already caused them so much pain I can't do that to them. Although I feel like everyone's life would be better without me. Well, the other thing that is keeping me from dying is the fact that I was raised to believe if you commit suicide you go straight to hell. I wish I didn't believe that.

     Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm just a lost soul. All I want to do is use to take these feelings away. And of course when I tell the doctors this they just give me more medication because it's "my disorders" causing all this. I don't know whether that's true or not. Sure it'd be nice to believe that, It's not my fault, my brain is just not working right. But I feel like it's my fault. I know I'm just too lazy to try anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to die. Sometimes I pray that God would just let me die.

     Everyone is just so sick of me and my "issues". Today I am going to be productive though. I'm going to clean my room and help out around the house and read the big book. I have to start trying. If I'm not trying I might as well be dead and sense I'm not going to kill myself I should at least try.

     I miss the days when I had dreams and hopes. I miss the days when I was innocent and happy. I miss the rush of accomplishment. Now there is nothing. I can't wait to see my therapist, she always understands me and has the best advice. Im still having trouble believing in God and giving him all this. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so stupid. I know he can take all this away but I refuse to give it to him.

     So this is life now. I don't really know if you can call this life. I feel like I'm in a temporary hell. Ok so that's what is going on. Until next time....

UPDATE!

Alright, well I havent blogged in awhile so I'm going to give you guys a short update of whats going on, then when I have more time I will elaborate more on each thing.

*Got a personal trainer and it turned out to be really triggering...like really! :(
*Been partying too much, it's fun...I don't know like I feel like as long as I'm safe and don't drink and drive what's the big deal?
*I haven't been following my meal plan, but I havent been starving or purging so I'm like I'm eating so who cares right?
*Ed is no longer constantly in my life, I have kicked him out. Sure he comes around every once in awhile to try to sneak back in but I'm getting really good at defusing my thoughts.
*I'm starting a to do list today of all the things I need to do to get back on track with my recovery. Even though I am not struggling very much I know it's important for me to stay involved so I don't relapse.
* I miss my friends, I need to make time for them.
* I get to see my therapist after the 7th THANK GOD!!! Ugh I miss her so much and I desperately need our sessions.
*I am starting an EDA meeting this month! I'm really excited because I want to give back.
*I plan on going to church Sunday so hopefully I make it.
*I'm trying to quit smoking, it's not going so well, but I'm trying.
Okay guys I have to get ready for work, but I will elaborate more soon! :D

Love you guys, thanks for reading! :D

Step 3 Workbook.

Look back at your list in question 3 of step one. There you listed some things you can control and some things you can't. Using the serenity Prayer as your guide, check your list. Would you move anything from one column to the other? Can you think of anything you might add?

So you guys can look back at my post of step one. I wouldn't change anything.

Try to add three more things that ou can't control and three more things you can. Remember: You can't control your own actions and attitudes.
I cannot control stupid people being stupid.
I can't control policies at my job haha
I can't control the choices of others.  

I can control the way I act on emotions.
I can control my actions when it comes to temptation.

Seriously, I really can't think of much I can control. That sucks, because it feels like crap to be out of control.

So the workbook says we often have to surrender one day or even one hour at a time.
For me I need to work on surrendering to recovery. The way I surrender is to eat a meal. Defuse ed thoughts, and stay away from triggers. I know if I can't face tomorrow I can just surrender one hour at a time, one meal at a time, etc. So yeah that's the plan. Going to meetings, talking to my therapist, blogging, following my meal plans, these are all things that help me surrender to recovery.

Next it says that most of us need never learned how to make wise decisions, yep that's me. Haha. So it says to pick an area of your life that you would like to turn over to the care of your higher power. Holy crap! There are a ton of areas I need to turn over to God. So I pick the way I use my money.

I continue to blow money on the dumbest things. Whether it be food, clothes, makeup, or anything else useless. I get really happy when I have money and I feel free. Then I'm out of money and I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I'm trying to work on this, it's really hard because I've lived this way ever since I've had a job so that's a long time having a bad habbit, so yeah it's going to be really hard to break. oy! I guess I should just pray about it. Yeah, duh I need to pray about it.

What does your friends, family, and sponsor say about this behavior?
My friends and family constantly say I need to be more responsible with my money and not make such irresponsible decisions.

How do you feel about this behavior?
It's embarrassing. I can't go anywhere in life when I constantly blow money. I wish I didn't have this issue. I wish I could have more willpower when It comes to spending.

Ugh I freaking hate step 3.

Next question what do you conclude, observe about this behavior?
I conclude that I'm so terrified of being poor that I pretend to be rich. Haha. Gosh , I have no freaking idea. I'm addicted to shopping? This is stupid I really don't know.

Look over your previous answers. What action will you take in light of this situation?
I will try to be more responsible with my money.
I will make a budget and have someone hold me accountable.
I will pay all my bills first and then put money aside to save so that I can move out.

Well that's step 3. I hated doing step 3, what do you guys think? Do you see something I'm missing?
As always thanks for reading. :)