update

       So I'm going for an assessment tomorrow at the rehab I was in to come back. I don't need inpatient but its the only way I can get to php and not have to pay. I'm wondering if maybe they will just put me in PHP without having to do inpatient that would be great. But if I do have to do inpatient it will just be for a few days. My boss wants me to come back to work, but I'm really scared. I feel like I need to be an adult, suck it up and get back to work. I'm just scared because stress is my biggest trigger and my job is really stressful. I feel like how I feel about it does not matter because I need to take care of my finances so I just need to deal with it. So I'll probably start working on the weekends.

     My family thinks I shouldn't go back to work just yet. So it's either be stressed about not having money or be stressed from making money. EEK! I'm really proud of myself for staying sober. God is really helping me not have a desire to use. I love AA meetings I feel safe there and they really help me to stay sober.

     My parents are wanting to go back to church so now they are going to be on that. I think its great that they want to go to church, but they get all worked up about it and then start judging me for the most ridiculous things and I just don't need that right now. As I'm writing this I can't help but think of what some of my friends would say...and I feel like I have to justify my feelings. Another perspective is always great but I am entitled to feel however I want and I shouldn't feel the need to justify my feelings.

     The religion I grew up in is just not for me. I don't care about religion any more. I care about my relationship with God and my spirituality. I want to have a relationship with God and I want to be a good person, but I don't need religion for that. Now that my parents are wanting to go back to their beliefs they are going to force it on me and I'm very resentful to the way I grew up. I know I need to work on that and try not to be so bitter. It's just a lot of really screwed up things were done to my family and to others "in the church". I don't believe a man has the right to dictate your life. I was one of those people that did wrong and judged others simply by how they looked and I regret that. I don't want to ever be like that again. God is a just God and he does not care how you look. Sheesh, it's just the most ridiculous thing ever. I refuse to comply to those standards. There are so many wonderful people in this world and just because they don't look a certain way...they are going to hell? I think not. Anyways I really think the religion I grew up in is like a cult and it disgust me. Sorry I needed to vent about that. Anyways I'm done.

     One of the hardest things about recovery is feeling. For so long I numbed myself out. I never dealt with bad feelings because I'd just get drunk and high and push them deep down. Now I can't turn to a bottle or pipe when I feel bad. I have to find out where the feeling is coming from and just sit with it. This may sound like an easy thing to do. It's just I'm not used to feeling and I hate feeling bad. Who doesn't? I mean I have to relearn how to live life on life's terms. There are going to be things that make me sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc but I just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I'm working on it. So anyways, things are going good and that's all I have for now. Thanks as always for reading. Much love! :D