Group therapy is very important to my recovery personally. It's really great, I have group therapy lead by my therapist at my outpatient treatment and I have regular sessions with my therapist one on one. Every time I leave group I leave with new knowledge about myself and recovery in general. Today I told the group how I had relapsed and I learned a lot of things.
I believed I was losing control and so, I was more willing to practice my eating disorder behaviors. I am a very self critical person and a perfectionist. These are two things that will not work in my recovery. I need to be willing to make mistakes and accept them at face value, it was a mistake okay it's done now what can I do to get back on track. Instead of the OMG I made a mistake, I'm a failure, I'm not strong enough, I suck at life, OMG Why? why? Why? My therapist told me to stop asking why, it does not matter, what matters is that I move on. If I focus too much on why I made the mistake it's going to keep me stuck. Instead of asking myself why and looking for an answer I need to just let myself be curious. There is not always an answer for everything.
I'm a control freak...this is one of the main reasons I developed an eating disorder. I need to have control of something so why not control my food? In life when I feel I have no control over things I immediately act on behaviors to get a sense of control in my life. Instead of trying to control everything I need to take everything as it comes, do what I can do and not worry about the rest. I tend to stress myself out, by my own expectations of how things need to be done. This is from my perfectionist side. I don't allow myself to screw up, but in life people will screw up, it's just a part of life. I have to train myself to allow screw ups, learn from then and move on. I tend to beat myself up relentlessly, until I believe I am no good.
All along I thought one day I'll be recovered and I wont need therapy etc anymore. Well today my therapist and group helped me realized, I'll never not have an eating disorder, I'll never not be "in recovery", it will get a lot easier with time, but I'll always have an eating disorder that I will need to stay healthy and keep myself from acting on the behaviors. Some people do get rid of the symptoms and urges, but others do not. I don't know what the cards hold for me, but this was a very hard truth for me to come to. I'm so sick of dealing with this every single day at every meal. I just want to be "normal" whatever that is. I don't want to have these feelings and struggles anymore and I thought one day it would all go away. I sat and cried as they explained. I guess I had myself fooled. Imagine being told you were going to have a disease the rest of your life, well that's how I feel. I guess like a diabetic will always have to watch what they eat and take meds. I'll have to keep going to therapy, and keep a healthy mind. I'm sure one day it will be a lot easier, but the fact is that certain life's struggles could bring about a relapse so I have to be on my A game to prevent that from happening. So anyways that was a really hard truth, but I'm just going to accept it and move forward in my recovery.
I feel like I've just been rambling, but I hope you get something out of this post. Thanks to all my readers. Have a blessed night! :D
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Relapse....
RELAPSE....
What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up
So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged.
I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.
What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...
Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience.
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging.
Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life.
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D
What I am telling myself today:
*It happens
*It's expected
*It's okay
*My recovery is not over
*I can jump back
*I can don't have to quit
*I will continue my recovery
*I am strong enough to put this behind me and move on
*I did not fail, I just fell
*I can get back up
So yesterday, I relapsed. :( Not proud of it. So if you read my earlier post you will know that I was not in the right frame of mind. I skipped my EDA meeting sunday and I skipped my outpatient group yesterday. I let Ed take control. All along I thought I was losing control and I had to gain control back by restricting. I was scared...I thought if recovery means I'm never going to lose weight, then I don't want it. I thought If I just restricted for one day, I'd gain back my control and then move on. So yesterday I restricted. I thought I was doing well, didn't eat hardly anything and I didn't eat dinner. I was feeling accomplished, I felt in control, It felt good to have an empty stomach. Then I talk to a friend that I met in treatment and I realized I wasn't in control, ED was. Ed told me that I needed to restrict, that I was on the verge of becoming a fat binge eater. He told me that because I ate out I was a failure and that I would never be thin. Yes, I'm still having issues with wanting to be thin. Anyways sense I skipped my groups and got off track I was weak in my recovery. :( I skipped dinner and then after realizing Ed was in control and not me I decided to eat. After eating I felt disgusted, Ed told me I should be ashamed, that I couldn't even restrict anymore and that I was just going to be fat forever. So I felt like crap and decided to get ice cream, I'd already screwed up so who cares. So after eating the ice cream I felt more ashamed and sick...my immediate thought was I should purge. It all happened so fast...I just had the thought and acted on it. After 60 days purge free, I purged.
I felt awful. It did not feel good at all. I felt like a complete failure. I was so disappointed in myself for failing. I don't know why I was so addicted to purging before, it was very unpleasant and gross and I just felt disgusted and ashamed.
What I was telling myself last night:
*I screwed up
*I'm not strong anymore
*I gave in
*What if I spiral out of control again
*What if I can't stop
*I'm so scared, what if this is the end of recovery for me?
*What if I am not strong enough to recover...
Relapses happen. Its okay....not something that you strive for, but it's okay to slip up. I am focusing on how far I've come now. I went 60 days without purging...that's incredible. I did it that long and I can do it again. Last night was just a slip up and it's okay. I will start fresh today and dive head first back into my recovery. I am not proud of my relapse, but I feel it was a good learning experience.
What I will do next time:
*Call someone
*Pray
*Tell my family I'm having urges
*Journal about it
*Be mindful
A tip for all those recovering, help is literally a phone call away. If you ever feel like binging, restricting, or purging, or even overexercising you can stop yourself by making a simple phone call. Pressing 9 little buttons can save you. I promise you this. Talking on the phone with someone on your support team will get you back on track and by the time you get off the phone you will not have the urge anymore. I promise you this. Why didn't I call someone? I don't know, Ed got the best of me, but next time I will immediately pick up a phone. Today is day 1 of my new record. My goal is for 90 days purge free. I CAN do this and I WILL! A friend of mine just celebrated her 90 days of sobriety, if she can stay off drugs, I can stay away from purging.
Recovery Is Possible, don't lose hope, don't give up, and don't let Ed take the reigns. Get up, dust yourself off and jump back on the recovery wagon, it will be the best ride you ever take in your life.
Wish me luck! :D Stay strong, and keep fighting my dolls! :D
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
*The Challenge*
Hi guys,
I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
Holly :)
I've been putting off this post for awhile, because I feel embarrassed about it. Is it something to be embarrassed about? Probably not, but Ed tells me otherwise. So after talking to my dietician she suggested that I might be ready for a challenge. I was doing really well following my meal plan and we were talking about challenge foods. There are a lot of foods that are challenging for me. Most of them are foods that I use to binge on and purge. One of those foods is mexican food. I love mexican food, it's my favorite. I could eat it everyday, if it wasnt so "bad". Yes, I feel like it's a bad food. Why? Because it was a food I never could eat in moderation. Mexican food was always deemed bad in my book, so any time I ate it I would binge...eat as much as I wanted and then just purge. So, sense it is my favorite food my dietician suggested I challenge myself to eat a moderate portion so that I could learn how to enjoy my favorite foods.
So I went with my friend who is one of my greatest supporters Saturday night and we had mexican food. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I ate a moderate amount and stopped. I enjoyed it so much. I hadn't had mexican food in a really really long time and it was delicious. Of course after the challenge Ed made me feel extremely guilty. He told me that it was not necessary to enjoy mexican food. He told me that it was still a bad food and that because I'm not thin I should not enjoy it. So I did dwell on those thoughts for awhile, but then I shut Ed out of my mind and everything was fine.
I was feeling really strong in my recovery and was happy that I was able to shut Ed out. Then Sunday I went to church with my friend and It was a great service and I left feeling great and comforted that God was with me and would help me to fully recover. So we decided to go to lunch and I picked another challenging restaurant. I felt at peace with my decision and we had lunch. I again had a very moderate portion and felt okay. But immediately I felt guilty. This time I could not shake it. I felt so bad for eating what I did. I shouldn't feel bad though. Healthy people enjoy going out to eat and eat moderate portions and are fine. So why did I feel so guilty? Ed, that was why. Since I've been home the only restaurants I'd been to were a sald bar and a cafe where I always got a salad, "safe foods". So three restaurants in one weekend was probably not the best idea. I felt extremely guilty and just felt like I was losing control. Ed told me, why didn't you just order salads or healthy choices? Why did you order "bad" food. You're such a failure, why would you allow yourself to eat those things. You are NOT skinny, you do NOT deserve to eat good food. So these thoughts have weighed heavy in my mind and have affected me. Sunday night I binged. I haven't binged in such a long time. I felt extremely guilty of course and more thoughts that I was losing control surfaced. I have felt this way ever sense Saturday. Monday was fine, I followed my meal plan, but I restricted a little and I had a cup of ice cream...that's too much. I felt extremely guilty so I restricted the rest of the day and I didn't go to the gym. Ed had been torturing me all weekend through today. I woke up today with the intentions of restricting. I feel like I need to gain some control back. I'm terrified that I will lose control and stop trying to eat healthy. If I restricted some I can renew my "power", "strength", and "determination" to be "healthy". Of course these are all lies that Ed is whispering in my ear, but he is so convincing. I feel really unsettled and afraid. :( So, this my friends is the catalyst for relapse.
Will I relapse? I hope not. Am I trying not to? No, not really. I am hanging out with Ed today and planning that he will leave soon. I know that I have to make him leave. Will I? I hope so. I am planning on talking to some ladies on my support team to guide me back to recovery. Until next time.
Stay strong, and keep on trucking! :D
Holly :)
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Rant & Rave #1
I called this #1 because I'm sure there will be many more.
So today was shit!!! I woke up and worked on some stuff, time slipped away and I missed my breakfast time and so I had a late breakfast that I didn't want. After coffee and cigarettes, I'm not so hungry anymore. So anyways I made myself eat breakfast and the day went on slow and boring. I did some more art work which was fun. Oh I'll have to post pics for you guys. :D So then lunch came around, wasn't hungry again so I made myself eat and it was pretty easy to get down bc my mom was there to keep some conversation going. Then I thought I was tired, tried to take a nap and I couldn't fall asleep. Was dreadfully bored the whole day. So then things got better, because I sang of course. Did I mention that I love to sing? Well, I do. Singing takes me out of this nightmare of a world and makes me incredibly happy. So I jammed out by myself and was having a good afternoon. But then time got a way again and I forgot to make my dinner. I usually don't eat what my mom cooks because its scary. LOL Her cooking is amazing but for all my ED kids out their you will understand when I say its southern, lots of butter, and lots of grease and starches. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyways it was already 6:30 and I needed the grill to cook my food but it was being used to cook pork chops, I had offered to make dinner and that took until around 8pm so anyways by the time my fish was done it was 8:22pm way too late to eat buy I hadn't eaten since my afternoon snack and I didn't want to skip a meal. Well ed wanted me to skip tonight's dinner. My stomach was bloated and hurting so the last thing I wanted to do was eat right? So I texted my sponsor and a good friend who is on my support team for some extra support. Eventually I made myself eat and I didn't die, go figure, right? So I'm feeling fat etc....and then my sponsor finally replies after I've ate and says, "dont eat. be gentle with yourself". Very aggravated with her, I don't know why she would instruct me not to eat.??? So after eating and then getting that text of course Ed had a lot of fun with that. His words were,
"why did you eat"
"see you didn't have to eat, you just wanted to stuff your face you fat pig"
"you're so stupid, why didn't you listen to me when I told you it was okay to skip one meal, even your sponsor agrees with me."
"Ugh your so fat, you're never going to lose weight, If only you would just listen to me"
So of course I'm a nervous wreck and on the verge of breaking something. I've felt so crappy today and so angry. Some other things happened today that made me feel like shit, and I'm assuming that's why it was so hard to eat. I don't take critisism well and so when I get criticized even in a good way, I beat myself up. My perfectionist mind...we will call her Percy, beats me relentlessly until I agree that I am a load of crap, good for nothing loser. UGH!!! I'm so sick of all of this. Sick of recovery, sick of fighting, sick of not being able to control my own thoughts. I HATE THIS DISEASE AND I HATE ED AND PERCY!!! They royally SUCK!
So I think it's time to find a new sponsor but there are only two EDA meetings and they are both an hour away. Grrr!!! :( I'm so angry, I could beat someone silly. Of course I'm not going to beat anyone, don't worry kids I'm not violent. ;) But anyways I thought getting this on paper or "screen" would help let out some of this anxious energy I've got going on.
The point of this blog is that recovery sucks, it's hard, it hurts, and you have to Work for it. But let me tell you kids, it's worth it! Don't ever forget how much worth recovery has. It's worth your life. And only by surrendering to recovery can you get your life back! Stick to it, stay strong and give Ed another blow! :D Love you guys! :D
So today was shit!!! I woke up and worked on some stuff, time slipped away and I missed my breakfast time and so I had a late breakfast that I didn't want. After coffee and cigarettes, I'm not so hungry anymore. So anyways I made myself eat breakfast and the day went on slow and boring. I did some more art work which was fun. Oh I'll have to post pics for you guys. :D So then lunch came around, wasn't hungry again so I made myself eat and it was pretty easy to get down bc my mom was there to keep some conversation going. Then I thought I was tired, tried to take a nap and I couldn't fall asleep. Was dreadfully bored the whole day. So then things got better, because I sang of course. Did I mention that I love to sing? Well, I do. Singing takes me out of this nightmare of a world and makes me incredibly happy. So I jammed out by myself and was having a good afternoon. But then time got a way again and I forgot to make my dinner. I usually don't eat what my mom cooks because its scary. LOL Her cooking is amazing but for all my ED kids out their you will understand when I say its southern, lots of butter, and lots of grease and starches. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyways it was already 6:30 and I needed the grill to cook my food but it was being used to cook pork chops, I had offered to make dinner and that took until around 8pm so anyways by the time my fish was done it was 8:22pm way too late to eat buy I hadn't eaten since my afternoon snack and I didn't want to skip a meal. Well ed wanted me to skip tonight's dinner. My stomach was bloated and hurting so the last thing I wanted to do was eat right? So I texted my sponsor and a good friend who is on my support team for some extra support. Eventually I made myself eat and I didn't die, go figure, right? So I'm feeling fat etc....and then my sponsor finally replies after I've ate and says, "dont eat. be gentle with yourself". Very aggravated with her, I don't know why she would instruct me not to eat.??? So after eating and then getting that text of course Ed had a lot of fun with that. His words were,
"why did you eat"
"see you didn't have to eat, you just wanted to stuff your face you fat pig"
"you're so stupid, why didn't you listen to me when I told you it was okay to skip one meal, even your sponsor agrees with me."
"Ugh your so fat, you're never going to lose weight, If only you would just listen to me"
So of course I'm a nervous wreck and on the verge of breaking something. I've felt so crappy today and so angry. Some other things happened today that made me feel like shit, and I'm assuming that's why it was so hard to eat. I don't take critisism well and so when I get criticized even in a good way, I beat myself up. My perfectionist mind...we will call her Percy, beats me relentlessly until I agree that I am a load of crap, good for nothing loser. UGH!!! I'm so sick of all of this. Sick of recovery, sick of fighting, sick of not being able to control my own thoughts. I HATE THIS DISEASE AND I HATE ED AND PERCY!!! They royally SUCK!
So I think it's time to find a new sponsor but there are only two EDA meetings and they are both an hour away. Grrr!!! :( I'm so angry, I could beat someone silly. Of course I'm not going to beat anyone, don't worry kids I'm not violent. ;) But anyways I thought getting this on paper or "screen" would help let out some of this anxious energy I've got going on.
The point of this blog is that recovery sucks, it's hard, it hurts, and you have to Work for it. But let me tell you kids, it's worth it! Don't ever forget how much worth recovery has. It's worth your life. And only by surrendering to recovery can you get your life back! Stick to it, stay strong and give Ed another blow! :D Love you guys! :D
Monday, October 15, 2012
NEDA WALK 2012 :D
So Saturday the 13th was the National Eating Disorder Association Awareness walk. I was really looking forward to this walk. My team raised $495 only $5 short of our goal of $500. The walk was a very rewarding experience. I left feeling inspired, and hopeful. There were 3 speakers, Jennifer Duvall a high school student who is recovering and also coordinated the walk, her sponsor who has been in recovery for 8 years (holy crap, AWESOMENESS), and last but not least Miss Texas. Yes, that's right I said Miss Texas, she spoke about how eating disorder awareness was her cause and that she herself is recovered from anorexia. So as you can see there were many strong, inspirational women there. It was so good to see people getting together to support something very dear to my heart and I'm sure the hearts of many others. Here are some pics from the walk, hope you enjoy them. :D
For this post I asked Jennifer Duvall to do a guest post. I'm so excited to have her on my blog. I hope you enjoy her post as much as I do. :)
This is Jennifer, the girl who made it all possible this year! :D
Yours truly,
Jennifer
Wow! Jennifer is so inspiring! So glad to have met her and her determination to make a difference has definitely inspired me to do more. :D I hope this post inspires each and everyone of you to make a difference. Whatever your mission is, just know that with the right amount of passion and determination it is possible. :D
*My aunt and I*
*My girls from outpatient sporting our NEDA tats*
*My girls from outpatient sporting our bright shoes*
*Me and the first girl on the left who made it all possible*
This is Jennifer, the girl who made it all possible this year! :D
My whole life has been spent trying to prove people wrong. As a little
| girl, the words, “Jennifer you can’t do that, you’re not old enough” were my main motivation. I purposely bought craft kits that were designed for older girls because I wanted to prove that I could do it. This little girl’s spirit was taken by a horrible disease, eating disorder not otherwise specified, during her junior year of high school. My headstrong personality became a weapon that I used to starve and hurt myself with. Luckily, after many months of treatment, I was able to use my persistence to help myself. Slowly, my reasoning became rational again, and as time grew on I learned that I did not need my eating disorder. All that ED told me was “you aren’t good enough”, and now instead of fighting the people that loved me, I began to fight the demons in my head. Three and a half months into my recovery, I was sitting in my health class (which at one point was a horrible class because I heard “healthy” everyday), and looking on NEDA’s website. I was looking at the awareness walks and realized that there were not any planned for the Houston area any time soon. Being the ambitious one that I am, I emailed CJ, the national walk manager, and he helped me get started coordinating the 2012 Houston NEDA Walk. My summer consisted of sending countless emails begging for money from treatment centers and major businesses. Unfortunately, due to the economic circumstances, not many places are looking to donate $1,000 to an organization that they have never heard of. One thing that recovery has taught me is to keep going when all I hear are no’s, a core belief that I once had. So I persisted and sent around 200 emails, which paid off in the end, securing three corporate sponsors for the walk. After months of emailing, October 13th finally rolled around. The walk was a bigger success than I could have ever imagined, we raised $9,133, but most importantly, we raised awareness of a serious illness that is overlooked by too many. Next year I will be in college (hopefully UT, fingers crossed!), so I will not be able to coordinate the 2013 walk, but I hope that somebody out there will pick up where I left off and continue the tradition until eating disorder awareness is as common as breast cancer awareness (even the NFL wears pink!). If I inspired one person by coordinating the walk, then I have achieved my goal. At the end of the day, we could have raised $500, and it would still be a success if I changed one life. Eating disorder recovery is 100% possible! |
Jennifer
Wow! Jennifer is so inspiring! So glad to have met her and her determination to make a difference has definitely inspired me to do more. :D I hope this post inspires each and everyone of you to make a difference. Whatever your mission is, just know that with the right amount of passion and determination it is possible. :D
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Ed does NOT like walks in the park...
So, today I'd like to share with you, yesterday. I touched on it a bit in my last post, but I thought today I could elaborate on how hard recovery really is.
At the beginning of this journey, when I was told I was going into an inpatient treatment facility, basically "rehab". I was so convinced I didn't need that level of care, everyone else thought other wise. The thing is I never really saw how bad things were until I was in treatment and realized how much of a grip had on me.
I'm assuming that my family and friends thought when I came home I'd be "cured" and all would be well. That's so NOT how it works. I was terrified to come home. I knew there wouldn't be as much support as there was at rehab and no one would be here to make me eat, and I'd have access to many things that were not the best in my recovery. In treatment I got to take a break from life, although I wouldn't really call rehab a break. But it was important to put everything else on hold and focus solely on my recovery. I never imagined how hard it would be and how much work I'd have to put in it. I went in with the expectations that after a month I'd come home and everything would be okay, until I actually started working on my recovery there and realized it's not an overnight cure.
Coming home was scarey because I knew I wasn't ready to face recovery and life at the same time. But I couldn't stay in rehab forever, nor did I want to.
So I thought I'd give you guys a little more insight as to how hard recovery truly is.
You see Ed, does not like walks in the park, actually he despises them. He hates seeing all the beauty in life and he hates focusing on the scenery and all the joy it can bring. By this I mean, he doesn't like to make it easy and he hates how I'm starting to see life as it is meant to be lived. So no recovery is not a walk in the park. With every bit of progress I make, he's right there trying to throw me back in the prison I've escaped from. Although for the most part I am able to distinguish his lies from my truth that does not convince him to leave me alone. I still have Ed screaming in my ear, but where before I had no idea it was really Ed, now I know that and it's scary how much of my mind he has consumed.
So here's the deal, every day I wake up, lately I've been having good days, but there is still a battle to be fought. Everyday Ed takes the opportunity to imprison me once more. Everyday I have to fight, to keep my head above water. But because of the progress I've made, I've been having a lot of good days. Well yesterday was not one of those days. Ed had made himself a little more comfy in my mind yesterday. When Ed takes up a lot of space he adds urges to act on behaviors, he adds lots of body image issues, he adds frustration and over all he makes me weak.
Now for those of you who don't know what "behaviors" are, they are binging, purging, restricting, over exercising, and pretty much everything I'm trying to get away from. I was so so tired yesterday, tired of fighting. It's not a walk in the park, its not a just make yourself eat. Its so much more. Its like hiking up a slippery iced hill in a blizzard, with no light. But of course now I've got a flash light that allows me to see where I'm going, I'm still walking around in utter darkness. So yesterday was a bad day. It was hard for me to distinguish what Ed wanted and what I wanted. So I was having really strong urges to restrict, yesterday I was really too tired to fight, so I ate as much as I could possibly stand, but in no way was I eating as much as I should have. Next I was having really strong urges to binge and purge...I haven't done this in 2 months now. That is a REALLY long time and I'm so proud of myself and looking at this gives me hope that recovery is possible. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't binge and purge. Yesterday the urge was so strong I almost gave in. Luckily I had some support from one of the girls from TK (my treatment center). She offered me so much wisdom and was truly an answer to prayer. After talking to her I received some clarity. She told me to just take it hour by hour, to tell myself, Okay for this hour I will not act on anything, and then once that hour was up I'd tell myself the same thing. Looking at it that way I was like yeah, I can do that. So at the end of the day I did not act on that particular behavior.
So to all the girls struggling, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times Ed breaks through the locked door and tries to steal you away in the darkness, tell yourself, hour by hour and you CAN do this. I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember how much stronger you are than this disease! Remember that every time Ed wants to break you, you are too strong to break. Keep your head high and your goals higher. You got this! :)
Special thanks to the amazing woman who offered me support yesterday! You really made a difference, so Thank you! :)
At the beginning of this journey, when I was told I was going into an inpatient treatment facility, basically "rehab". I was so convinced I didn't need that level of care, everyone else thought other wise. The thing is I never really saw how bad things were until I was in treatment and realized how much of a grip had on me.
I'm assuming that my family and friends thought when I came home I'd be "cured" and all would be well. That's so NOT how it works. I was terrified to come home. I knew there wouldn't be as much support as there was at rehab and no one would be here to make me eat, and I'd have access to many things that were not the best in my recovery. In treatment I got to take a break from life, although I wouldn't really call rehab a break. But it was important to put everything else on hold and focus solely on my recovery. I never imagined how hard it would be and how much work I'd have to put in it. I went in with the expectations that after a month I'd come home and everything would be okay, until I actually started working on my recovery there and realized it's not an overnight cure.
Coming home was scarey because I knew I wasn't ready to face recovery and life at the same time. But I couldn't stay in rehab forever, nor did I want to.
So I thought I'd give you guys a little more insight as to how hard recovery truly is.
You see Ed, does not like walks in the park, actually he despises them. He hates seeing all the beauty in life and he hates focusing on the scenery and all the joy it can bring. By this I mean, he doesn't like to make it easy and he hates how I'm starting to see life as it is meant to be lived. So no recovery is not a walk in the park. With every bit of progress I make, he's right there trying to throw me back in the prison I've escaped from. Although for the most part I am able to distinguish his lies from my truth that does not convince him to leave me alone. I still have Ed screaming in my ear, but where before I had no idea it was really Ed, now I know that and it's scary how much of my mind he has consumed.
So here's the deal, every day I wake up, lately I've been having good days, but there is still a battle to be fought. Everyday Ed takes the opportunity to imprison me once more. Everyday I have to fight, to keep my head above water. But because of the progress I've made, I've been having a lot of good days. Well yesterday was not one of those days. Ed had made himself a little more comfy in my mind yesterday. When Ed takes up a lot of space he adds urges to act on behaviors, he adds lots of body image issues, he adds frustration and over all he makes me weak.
Now for those of you who don't know what "behaviors" are, they are binging, purging, restricting, over exercising, and pretty much everything I'm trying to get away from. I was so so tired yesterday, tired of fighting. It's not a walk in the park, its not a just make yourself eat. Its so much more. Its like hiking up a slippery iced hill in a blizzard, with no light. But of course now I've got a flash light that allows me to see where I'm going, I'm still walking around in utter darkness. So yesterday was a bad day. It was hard for me to distinguish what Ed wanted and what I wanted. So I was having really strong urges to restrict, yesterday I was really too tired to fight, so I ate as much as I could possibly stand, but in no way was I eating as much as I should have. Next I was having really strong urges to binge and purge...I haven't done this in 2 months now. That is a REALLY long time and I'm so proud of myself and looking at this gives me hope that recovery is possible. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't binge and purge. Yesterday the urge was so strong I almost gave in. Luckily I had some support from one of the girls from TK (my treatment center). She offered me so much wisdom and was truly an answer to prayer. After talking to her I received some clarity. She told me to just take it hour by hour, to tell myself, Okay for this hour I will not act on anything, and then once that hour was up I'd tell myself the same thing. Looking at it that way I was like yeah, I can do that. So at the end of the day I did not act on that particular behavior.
So to all the girls struggling, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times Ed breaks through the locked door and tries to steal you away in the darkness, tell yourself, hour by hour and you CAN do this. I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember how much stronger you are than this disease! Remember that every time Ed wants to break you, you are too strong to break. Keep your head high and your goals higher. You got this! :)
Special thanks to the amazing woman who offered me support yesterday! You really made a difference, so Thank you! :)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Ed is not a boyfriend he's my stalker...
Ed is not just partial to food and body image...
Ed is not a "diet", Ed is not vain, Ed really doesn't care if I am thin or not. That's not Ed's purpose for being in my life. Ed tells me of course that being thin will make me happy, but that's not what Ed really cares about. Ed is not a choice, not a vanity trip, not low self-esteem, no, Ed is an illness.
Often times when people hear about eating disorders the following assumptions come up...
"It's just a diet gone bad"
"People with eating disorders are just vain and need to get over themselves."
"Well it's no wonder so many girls have eating disorders, the media pressures them to be thin."
"Oh, I don't think they know what they are doing to their bodies."
The problem with these assumptions is that they start to assume a solution based on them. People will try to explain how bad an eating disorder is and how unhealthy and dangerous it is, in hopes of convincing girls "not to have one". People think that if we encourage body acceptance and campaign that inner beauty is what's really important that this will minimize the risk of young girls "developing" an eating disorder. People also make the assumption that if the media did not put so much pressure to be thin in order to be attractive or successful that so many girls would not "have" eating disorders.
Well the truth is all of the above are ignorant suggestions and an absolute insult to people suffering from this mental illness. While I'm not opposed to encouraging people to accept their bodies and see the importance is who you are as a person, not what you look like, this is not a solution to the epidemic. This right here is why It is my mission and the mission of many others to spread awareness to the fact that Ed is not some guy you choose to be in a relationship with, yet a stalker that you cannot control. More technically put, Ed is a mental illness. You cannot just not have a mental illness, just like people cannot just not have bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, etc. You wouldn't tell someone with schizophrenia to just stop hearing voices, you cannot tell someone with bipolar disorder to just stop being manic or depressed, and you cannot tell someone with depression to just cheer up and the same with anxiety you cannot just tell them to calm down. It is a mental illness that affects the mind. The more society, doctors, etc, try to cover it up as a choice, addiction, or vanity disease the less research will be done to find exactly what is "causing" this mental illness. We need to find out what is going on in the brain that is causing an eating disorder. By spreading more awareness on the topic we will get closer and closer to having more research being done.
Here are a few examples of how Ed does not just tell me to not eat, or to hate my body, no these are just a few of the major symptoms of having Ed.
This morning 10/10/12, something that happened made me feel stupid, ashamed, insecure, and like I had failed. I really didn't give it much thought, I knew what I had to do to rectify these feelings and I started to do that and just assumed I was over it. To be honest, at first I didn't recognize I was having these feelings until I had a revelation. I was so into what I was working on and enjoying my second cup of coffee, when I noticed the time and knew I needed to stop and eat breakfast. During my recovery from an eating disorder it is very important that I stick to my meal plan and eat when I'm supposed to, if I don't do this it can lead to a relapse. I was not hungry at all and very angry that I couldn't just skip breakfast like I used to because I was never hungry til about lunch time.
So I went into the kitchen mad as hell and started to make a bowl of cereal when I looked down at the cereal I was overwhelmed with feelings and Ed's voice, "this will make you fat", "you really don't have to eat this", "you could just lie and say you had breakfast, your dietitian will never know.", "why don't you skip just this one time, you'll be fine no need to worry, you are planning on having lunch right? See you really don't need breakfast." I tried my best to ignore his suggestions, and sat down to my cereal with tears literally rolling down my face. I was so angry that one minute I'm doing really good, that eating is easier and not a big deal. Then the next minute I'm faced with this. The thought of taking a bite of that cereal was so painful that I just sat and stared at it. Until I realized what had happened!
Because of the feelings I was having earlier the feeling that I was incompetent, turned to my appetite and that's why I felt I was not hungry...for so long when I would screw up, feel bad about myself, make a mistake I would just restrict, binge and purge, or compulsively exercise to rectify those feelings and the fact that I have recognized this is a huge milestone in my recovery.
Another time this happened, I had studied for an upcoming math test, went to a tutor, and really prepared myself. I was so excited, because I knew I was going to ace this test. I couldn't wait to get the results because I knew I'd feel so proud and accomplished...I'd feel for once that I was capable of being smart. Well the day came when I got my test back and complete horror struck as I saw my grade...61 in a circle, in red sharpie. I felt as if someone had crushed me and knocked me on the ground. I was so close to breaking out in tears. How could this have happened? I studied so hard and really went the extra mile to make a good grade. So of course I felt stupid, incompetent, like a failure, and in utter disgust of myself and my stupidity. When I got into the car that night I burst into tears, yelling at myself, "you're so stupid, you will never be smart". And what do you think happened next? I went through a drive through ordered whatever I wanted and begin to binge and then purge. This made me feel better, this reminded me that although I'm stupid at least I control my weight, at least I have the power to accomplish losing weight. I felt such a sense of relief after purging.
The next time Ed sneaked in through my personal life was when I walked in my room from a long stressful day at work and on my bed were a pile of bills. I picked them up and felt so overwhelmed. I also felt irresponsible, unworthy, stupid, angry with myself and most importantly out of control. So of course Ed chimed in, "well you can't manage your finances, but you can manage your weight. Go workout a lot tonight and make yourself feel better. You should do extra tonight so you can see how successful you are at managing your weight. This will make you feel better.". So what did I do, I grabbed my stuff and went to the gym asap, once there I let myself go and only focused on how fast I was running, how hard I was working out and the number of calories I'd burned. Once I left the gym of course Ed was telling me I could have done more that I can't even stand to have a good workout, how was I ever going to control my weight. So yes, I forgot about the bills, but no I did not feel better.
These are just a few examples in my life as to how Ed disrupts every part. How Ed sneaks in and makes losing weight first priority, how he convinces me that as long as I lose weight nothing else matters.
I hope this helps you see that an eating disorder is not about food and appearance, It's about much more. Ed having me convinced that losing weight was the first priority in my life had me forget everything else that mattered. I forgot how to manage my feelings, how to sit with negative feelings, how to rectify my self criticism. After many years of this, I am now learning through recovery how to deal with my emotions and the many life stresses. I'm learning how to figure out where all this self criticism comes from and how to change it. It's a daily process and it's very confusing trying to figure out everything going on in my mind, but I'm working on it. :)
Ed is not a "diet", Ed is not vain, Ed really doesn't care if I am thin or not. That's not Ed's purpose for being in my life. Ed tells me of course that being thin will make me happy, but that's not what Ed really cares about. Ed is not a choice, not a vanity trip, not low self-esteem, no, Ed is an illness.
Often times when people hear about eating disorders the following assumptions come up...
"It's just a diet gone bad"
"People with eating disorders are just vain and need to get over themselves."
"Well it's no wonder so many girls have eating disorders, the media pressures them to be thin."
"Oh, I don't think they know what they are doing to their bodies."
The problem with these assumptions is that they start to assume a solution based on them. People will try to explain how bad an eating disorder is and how unhealthy and dangerous it is, in hopes of convincing girls "not to have one". People think that if we encourage body acceptance and campaign that inner beauty is what's really important that this will minimize the risk of young girls "developing" an eating disorder. People also make the assumption that if the media did not put so much pressure to be thin in order to be attractive or successful that so many girls would not "have" eating disorders.
Well the truth is all of the above are ignorant suggestions and an absolute insult to people suffering from this mental illness. While I'm not opposed to encouraging people to accept their bodies and see the importance is who you are as a person, not what you look like, this is not a solution to the epidemic. This right here is why It is my mission and the mission of many others to spread awareness to the fact that Ed is not some guy you choose to be in a relationship with, yet a stalker that you cannot control. More technically put, Ed is a mental illness. You cannot just not have a mental illness, just like people cannot just not have bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, etc. You wouldn't tell someone with schizophrenia to just stop hearing voices, you cannot tell someone with bipolar disorder to just stop being manic or depressed, and you cannot tell someone with depression to just cheer up and the same with anxiety you cannot just tell them to calm down. It is a mental illness that affects the mind. The more society, doctors, etc, try to cover it up as a choice, addiction, or vanity disease the less research will be done to find exactly what is "causing" this mental illness. We need to find out what is going on in the brain that is causing an eating disorder. By spreading more awareness on the topic we will get closer and closer to having more research being done.
Here are a few examples of how Ed does not just tell me to not eat, or to hate my body, no these are just a few of the major symptoms of having Ed.
This morning 10/10/12, something that happened made me feel stupid, ashamed, insecure, and like I had failed. I really didn't give it much thought, I knew what I had to do to rectify these feelings and I started to do that and just assumed I was over it. To be honest, at first I didn't recognize I was having these feelings until I had a revelation. I was so into what I was working on and enjoying my second cup of coffee, when I noticed the time and knew I needed to stop and eat breakfast. During my recovery from an eating disorder it is very important that I stick to my meal plan and eat when I'm supposed to, if I don't do this it can lead to a relapse. I was not hungry at all and very angry that I couldn't just skip breakfast like I used to because I was never hungry til about lunch time.
So I went into the kitchen mad as hell and started to make a bowl of cereal when I looked down at the cereal I was overwhelmed with feelings and Ed's voice, "this will make you fat", "you really don't have to eat this", "you could just lie and say you had breakfast, your dietitian will never know.", "why don't you skip just this one time, you'll be fine no need to worry, you are planning on having lunch right? See you really don't need breakfast." I tried my best to ignore his suggestions, and sat down to my cereal with tears literally rolling down my face. I was so angry that one minute I'm doing really good, that eating is easier and not a big deal. Then the next minute I'm faced with this. The thought of taking a bite of that cereal was so painful that I just sat and stared at it. Until I realized what had happened!
Because of the feelings I was having earlier the feeling that I was incompetent, turned to my appetite and that's why I felt I was not hungry...for so long when I would screw up, feel bad about myself, make a mistake I would just restrict, binge and purge, or compulsively exercise to rectify those feelings and the fact that I have recognized this is a huge milestone in my recovery.
Another time this happened, I had studied for an upcoming math test, went to a tutor, and really prepared myself. I was so excited, because I knew I was going to ace this test. I couldn't wait to get the results because I knew I'd feel so proud and accomplished...I'd feel for once that I was capable of being smart. Well the day came when I got my test back and complete horror struck as I saw my grade...61 in a circle, in red sharpie. I felt as if someone had crushed me and knocked me on the ground. I was so close to breaking out in tears. How could this have happened? I studied so hard and really went the extra mile to make a good grade. So of course I felt stupid, incompetent, like a failure, and in utter disgust of myself and my stupidity. When I got into the car that night I burst into tears, yelling at myself, "you're so stupid, you will never be smart". And what do you think happened next? I went through a drive through ordered whatever I wanted and begin to binge and then purge. This made me feel better, this reminded me that although I'm stupid at least I control my weight, at least I have the power to accomplish losing weight. I felt such a sense of relief after purging.
The next time Ed sneaked in through my personal life was when I walked in my room from a long stressful day at work and on my bed were a pile of bills. I picked them up and felt so overwhelmed. I also felt irresponsible, unworthy, stupid, angry with myself and most importantly out of control. So of course Ed chimed in, "well you can't manage your finances, but you can manage your weight. Go workout a lot tonight and make yourself feel better. You should do extra tonight so you can see how successful you are at managing your weight. This will make you feel better.". So what did I do, I grabbed my stuff and went to the gym asap, once there I let myself go and only focused on how fast I was running, how hard I was working out and the number of calories I'd burned. Once I left the gym of course Ed was telling me I could have done more that I can't even stand to have a good workout, how was I ever going to control my weight. So yes, I forgot about the bills, but no I did not feel better.
These are just a few examples in my life as to how Ed disrupts every part. How Ed sneaks in and makes losing weight first priority, how he convinces me that as long as I lose weight nothing else matters.
I hope this helps you see that an eating disorder is not about food and appearance, It's about much more. Ed having me convinced that losing weight was the first priority in my life had me forget everything else that mattered. I forgot how to manage my feelings, how to sit with negative feelings, how to rectify my self criticism. After many years of this, I am now learning through recovery how to deal with my emotions and the many life stresses. I'm learning how to figure out where all this self criticism comes from and how to change it. It's a daily process and it's very confusing trying to figure out everything going on in my mind, but I'm working on it. :)
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