Saying goodbye

     

Saying goodbye!
 Tuesday in group we talked about the stage in recovery when eating is under control and it's actually time to say goodbye to your ed. Now logically you would think this would be easy. Especially because all the turmoil your ed put you through, everything it stole from you, all the harm it did to your body, all the people it hurt, all the lonely nights laying in bed with stomach pains too afraid to go to the kitchen for fear of binging so you just lay in bed praying you can fall asleep. Then waking up in the morning paralyzed in bed because you are terrified you have gained weight and you have to weigh as soon as you get up but, if you gained you can bet your bottom ed will cause havoc in your day. So....why is it hard to say goodbye?

Your not just saying goodbye to all the bad your saying goodbye to all the "good", to all you know, to the only way you have lived life for years. I know anyone not suffering from ed, most likely will not understand so I will try my best to explain.

Having an eating disorder...we feel empowered by ED, he makes us feel competent, so I didn't make the grade I wanted on that test, Ed tells me "Holly, it's okay, at least you skipped lunch, good job". Screw up at work Ed tells me, "Holly its okay just don't eat the rest of the day, that will make you feel better". Get rejected by a guy, "Holly it's because your fat and I know that makes you sad so why don't you go buy a dozen of donuts stuff your face and then puke it all up, you know that high you get from purging, that will make you feel better".

Every time we starve, over exercise, purge, Ed commends us, makes us feel superior to everyone else. When we sit and watch others eat, Ed tells us, you're so much stronger than them, you don't have to eat. When were lonely Ed comforts us and tells us once your thin you will be so popular and happy. When we feel like a failure Ed tells us it's okay you can fast for a few days and feel so accomplished.

After living with Ed for so long, it's hard to imagine your life without him. What will you do if life doesn't go your way if Ed is not there to save the day. Who are you without Ed? How will you do life without ED? Here is an inside look of my session with my therapist on Tuesday.

I told her I feel like I'm not ready to let go all the way. I told her I think that's why I've been restricting for so long lately. I'm not sure if I can say goodbye. Then I started to sob, I kept saying, "I just don't know.....I don't know...I don't know what life will be like. I've had this for almost 5 years, how do I live without it, I just don't know". She replied that what I was feeling is normal and that it's time for me to grieve the loss of my eating disorder. She said like when grieving for a loved one you will go through the 5 stages of grieving. I just sat there, tears rolling down my face staring at the floor. I finally looked up at her and started talking about how I should be excited to live life without Ed, I should be happy that I won't be having stomach pains from not eating, that I won't be a raging bitch because I'm starving, that I won't be so tired and grumpy, that I won't have headaches and aches all over, that I won't have muscle cramps. I continued to tell her, I can't imagine going to work all day and not eating and that I could not imagine staying up half the night puking my guts up and then going to work the next morning, so why do I feel like life is going to be hard without Ed?

Life without Ed is the unknown, literally. I have no idea what my life will be like without ed. I have absolutely no idea and honestly that's scary. I already miss him. After my therapist told me I will go through the five stages of grieving I reflected on the past month or so and I realized, Woah! I have. I have gone through denial, anger, oh man lots of anger, bargaining, and right now what I'm feeling this sadness this fear is depression. So I am on my way to saying goodbye. Soon I will be writing my goodbye letter to Ed because life has to be better without him and although I fear it, I also look forward to it. 

 ~You've done all the things that could kill you somehow ~
And you're so far down,
But you will survive this somehow,
Because life starts now